I thought, this made sense. Right?
Maybe I have known this all along. And thus I have not ever invested on feelings, on emotions, on people…?
Ok, I do care about people around me. Those who care about me that much, I thankful, and I try my very best to reciprocate their care and concern for me. I know I have been blessed much. For some, they may think that I have it easy. Has it been all easy for me?
There’s a season for everything. I do feel sad when a season ends. I don’t know whether I am really doing the right thing, but I think if I actually feel calmness and peace in my heart, that should be as according to God’s will? I have been so terrible exhausted. Total burnout. I didnt realise about it until much too late…it was real tough for me. And now, I am suffering from the aftermath. I try to pace myself, and I wish I can throw away a certain part of me…I wish I could easily just leave things on its own.
Nonetheless, I think I do have very interesting encounters over these years. I am glad for all the encounters, be it by coincidence of chance or man-made…I can say that I’ve been there and done that…just like some people like to tell me about serving God’s people, when I had already done several decades ago…I dont understand why people have to be arrogant, does that make them a whole lot happier, thinking they are much better than me?
Seriously, I am my own competitor. I always strive to be a better me, without taking into account of anyone else’s standing vis-a-vis me. Why should I even be bothered about others? We grow at different rates, right? Must we all grow at the same rate? Whoever dictates that must be a real goon, unable to see things clearly.
Mid-life crisis? Or early stage of enlightenment? Or effects of COVID-19? It’s just time for us to rethink about things we have been holding onto. I have always been able to let go of things and people in my life. Not that I don’t treasure, but when I see that the season is over, it’s over, period. Yes, I feel sad. Very sad. In fact, the more I feel of love and care, the more hurt I am inflicting on myself when the season is over. I have evolved much, to be someone who really cares… I certainly wish, I dont care…hahaha…
Just beautiful memories will do, right? No need to have lasting ones. I am not used to routine, though it’s a comfort to have a routine, familiarity and security. But well, at least I try to create beautiful memories…if ever I still remember years later, that means that particular memory has touched a certain part of me…hopefully for my growth.
Fontainebleu Vox's Lodge 