I believe…Hidden Agenda


I believe that our actions denote our real heart. It’s hard to do things opposed to how we feel/think, because that would require special efforts on our part. Such special efforts can be a drain to our energy, and not everyone can keep up with such. Over the days, the fox’s tail is being revealed, slowly yet surely. Haven’t we heard of this phrase “日久见人心”?

I gave a decade of chances for some people to prove me wrong. I am fine with the decade gone, because it honed my skills of detecting such people. When I first heard people uttering someone as being childish, I thought to myself, yes indeed, there are many people much kinder and soft-hearted than me. It’s not a matter of whether there are two sides to a coin. Basically, I don’t like to waste my time by going in circles and having people to play the game of rounders. I may entertain you for the first round, thereafter I don’t give a damn. I don’t think we are in kindergarten, or little play groups where we are still trying to get used to the socialisation norms.

Old habits die hard. If we never put a stop to it, we become part of the contributing factor to the eventual outcome. However, many refuse to see this fact. And this leads me to question, the Hidden Agenda.

How many are OK with people not liking them?

How many are constantly striving to be pleasing to others?

How many really do things because of joy in their heart for people?

The first group is a minority. Likewise for the last group. There are many in the middle group.

In all honesty, I believe that there is an overlap between the middle and the last group. The first group is usually being deemed by adjectives such as: arrogant, queer, obstinate, fierce, outcast, etc.

It’s not hard to know which group I belong to. Or perhaps some people refuse to believe that I would actually belong to this group since majority of the world should belong to the middle group. Oh ya, middle group rules the world? Seriously. And don’t trample on my happy nature, for I snap as sharply as what a laser would do.

Is Iron Man concerned about how he appeals to the world? I hope he doesn’t. It would be such a disappointment if he is just someone who is a mediocre. I like some badass, and definitely a hero who is not afraid of stating his stand for the cause he believes in. Is this too much to ask?
 

Being true

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Bought this during one of my trips. I gathered that this is much better and portable for me. Interesting thing I discovered is, upon using after each session, I get to empty my bowel real well. And air gets dispelled from my body. Prior to this product, I bought some MIC ones. And sad to say, it’s cmi. Cheap though, but they don’t do the work. The problem still remained. Toxins still remained. Thus, I firmly stand to my valued and prized belief: ♡ Japanese ♡

God truly has His way of preparing me. My heart. I can totally remain oblivious to what’s being presented right in front of me. I know that God doesn’t want me to be oblivious. To my heart. And for my growth. And I am pretty sure, that everything shall be in line with God’s plan. I am not God. I just have to trust God. All along, I thought it’s with regard to that reason. It’s only now, that I realised. God prepared me a few years ahead. So…likewise, this time round, I hear Him distinctly too, I shall do as commanded. It’s illogical for a practical me, but logical for a realistic me. How do I explain this? Perhaps that’s the reason why I have such a huge struggle earlier on within myself 😄😄😄 Practical vs Realistic…in the end, I just want to walk as according to God’s directions.

I can hear it so loud and clear. To the point I can’t ignore it anymore. How many times must this be brought forward to my heart? And for myself, I don’t make a decision in a spur of moment. If I am decided on it, I must have had considered it a thousand odd times. And of course, I have a considerable amount of quiet time with God solely…no distractions.

Seize the Opportunity Take flight and Go

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I wish I can tell some straight to the point, when given the opportunities, do not hesitate. All opportunities come with a risk, as with all matters, like it or not. But with opportunities, at least it’s something you can decide to move forward with your own choice.

Sadly, I see so many people going through all the motions of just being there. Young and old alike. Doesn’t matter. Regardless of age. It doesn’t mean that being young makes you a reckless person or an opportunity go-getter. It also doesn’t mean that being old means you are ever ready to be confined to a boundary and never move out of comfort zone. End of the day, I think it’s the inner nature of the person. I dread to see people lamenting about how horrid their governors were and yet didn’t do anything much to change the circumstances. I hate to see people commenting and criticising so much about bad governance while no concrete action is being taken by them likewise. I simple detest…for i believe, as what I always firmly agree to Einstein’s quote, that this world is being made evil not by people who did evil.

I don’t have anything against people who did evil, openly. I think they are a brave lot. And they stand firmly on their own. In fact, I respect them for it. Being able to stand firmly on their own. How many can do this? I rather that people come as an open page, good or evil, let it be known. But alas! Many are just afraid of being revealed as the real evil.

Anyway, my post is not about being evil or good. I have long known and understood my stand.

We are here at different phases in life. Sometimes we require certain things or people as according to our phase in life. Thus to me, many factors are just transient. Likewise, I am transient too. My utmost loyalty is to God. And in God alone. Because God is not transient.
Do I think love from a parent to a child is transient? Yes.
Do I think love from a child to a parent is transient? Yes.
Do I think that spousal love is transient? Yes.
Do I think that human relationships are transient? Yes.
Do I think that human matters are transient? Yes.
We read or have encounters with all. What I say now, may not stand true or firm in years later. In fact, what I say now, may not even be the truth of myself in the years much earlier on.

I recognise this. Long time ago. And perhaps that’s why, I don’t stay once God tells me so.

I like it this way. And God allows me to be the way I am. For me to take flight and go. As according to the time He has prepared for me. I have absolute faith of His preparation and path for me. And how do I know? Because I find the peace in my heart for all my decisions given by God.

I always love spending time with God. Still remembered the quiet moments off Mersing and being in awe of God’s protection. Still remembered those times when I struggled against God’s direction, and finally submitted to Him, knowing that my studies were thoroughly a breeze for me. Still remembered the tugging of my heart for the decision to move out of a very comfortable and wonderful prospect in my life, and understanding that it was to give me the calmness of attending to a subsequent storm that came slightly later. Still remembered the immediate reaction of myself dealing with the storm and calmly decided not to be exploited in the long run. And now, just recently, two situations presented themselves. And I managed to deal with one as I have already provided pure love on my part. God knows and sees it well. My heart. What have I to hide? The second situation is still in a prayerful season. I have been seeing glimpses of it, just that I have to be real quiet in my heart to listen to God.

Once upon a time, someone commented to me with great alarm, that if I were to see one running into the drain,  I would just allow it to happen. I thought to myself, for a very very long time, and decided that, in all aspects, some people may actually enjoy falling into the drain. It’s not that they don’t know about the pain or the dangers, it’s just something that they prefer to go through themselves, and some may get a kick or a high from this. I see it as bring addictive for some, maybe because there’s something lacking in what seems to be fine.

To me, how many 5, 10 or even 15 years do I have? What does my heart actually tell me? And what does God allow me to have?

Confident that God definitely aligns my heart’s desire to God’s plan and timing for me ⛪🏡🐥

Problem with the brain

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And yes indeed, some people just have problems with their brain. Regardless of how facts have been presented, they still insist on their viewpoint. Let me say this again, if you trust God, the God whom you have chosen to pray to, then you better make sure you trust Him and not just paying lip service to Him. And this also includes all your actions, seen or yet to be seen. I feel so perplexed that people just keep deceiving themselves. What’s so wrong with being forthcoming in your behaviour? Why must people hide behind a screen?

I don’t feel hurt. I don’t feel upset. But I am angry. The numerous times that I came with my pure heart. With no other intention. And yet people doubted. All I can say is, one believes it to be so as according to one’s deepest thoughts. To me, I always think that people tell the truth. Because I say the truth. I always think that people love with a pure heart. Because I love with a pure heart. I always think that people do things simply for passion. Because I do things with passion. But then, it’s not so. I shudder to think that mankind is too complicated. And despite whatever blah blah blah reasons, they are just hiding. Why not be frank about it? Is it so complicated? Don’t we read the Bible and practise God’s words? Don’t we hear the pastor telling us time after time? Don’t we know that if we knowingly go against God’s words we have to answer for the consequences?

I feel so…disgusted. Don’t we read the same Bible???

I have already prayed to God. That was the last straw. I hand it all over to God from this point. I won’t do anything. Not anymore. I will just let it be. Disappear. Just as usual. Is it so hard for me to do so? Nope. It’s super easy. Coz I treasure my sanity more than spending time on xyz.

On a side note, it’s amazing how we link up with people and connect with them. Via social media and such. I am glad to be able to help some people along the way. I know, it’s important that I don’t become a pharisee. Remembered my earlier days as a Sunday School teacher. Really love teaching the kids about God’s words. Really miss those days! Now, I have to think and pray. What’s God’s calling for me this time?

I thank God for allowing me to walk closely all these 31 years of faith. There were several years in between when I was lost. But God allows me to be back each time. The most major gap was almost a decade. But then, the decade has made me grown so much!

Perhaps something has happened. And I didn’t know. Perhaps it’s just the look of my happy face that irked some. Perhaps I shouldn’t be happy. I should be in pain? Hmm…agony?…But that’s not me. How do I fake it???

The events all came from God. Perhaps God wants us to see the truth. What am I saying? Of course God wants us to see the truth. The truth…

Anyway, it’s good riddance. And I shall have a good me-time. Why should I bother whether I have to remember this or that? I can forget. Especially when I don’t see you. To me, out of sight out of mind. It’s a relief for me that I don’t have to give up my me-time too.

To misinterpret my needs. What a joke! I don’t like to meet up. Regardless of my friends or acquaintances. I just like to be where my heart is. Thank God for my dwelling place. But at the same time, my heart is somewhere else.

Amazing time spent to think of matters. Different matters in 2 different weeks. I must have been real busy and occupied. Of course, there are hurdles here and there. And I think, it’s the same 3 years 8 months once again…

Wait, God is here. Right?

Oh my love and a dying heart

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I remembered the same kind of stirrings of the heart. It’s from God. Definitely. Most often than not, I am quite accepting of imperfections. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. And thus it’s fine for people to be imperfect. But unfortunately, I also don’t expect many things from people. And well…

I am already quite a creative person. Just that I am also a very complacent person. Not too sure whether this is a common trait of an artist, I do remember my maternal grandfather as someone who’s complacent. He’s good with his talent and he didn’t hanker much for luxuries. I remembered him as someone who enjoyed painting…and strolling in his neighbourhood. He also liked to play mahjong with his friends. But that’s about all. When I grow old, will I be more like him? Just enjoy my painting?…

Currently, my main creations are my dishes. I love making bentos and it’s kind of therapeutic for me…placing my thoughts far away and in a land I love so much. Just like whenever I listen to this Korean pianist Yiruma, I can’t help but being reminded of those days…my first love. The land I love so much. And thus I also love her people. There are so many good people we have met. Of course, there are black sheep in every country…perhaps it depends on our social circle. We choose the type of people we want to associate ourselves with.

My first love, doesn’t occur only 9 years ago. It started when I was way younger…I remembered those moments back when I was about 5 years old. Fiddling with the ceramic music box, viewing the mirror and watching the ballerina…then I always looked forward to the books my aunt gave me, all the tons of Japanese books, and I learned with passion…along the way, I did numerous origami crafts and bookmarks just to give to my friends and for art exhibitions…I never forgot those days. I was so happy pursuing my passion. It’s a passion that never dies in me. Just that…as we grow up, there are just too many things we have to handle, and somehow we don’t get to allocate time for our passions. Maybe that’s why I feel so stifled. I feel so out of the world. I love to do only art, music and food. How??? Can I start my studies in this area???

Sigh.

I guess…sometimes I have to put thoughts away. How I wish right now, I can just hop on the train, and take the ride along the stretch of sea…watching the waves splashing…maybe I just need someone to calm me down with that voice. Yes, I am nuts for 诗情画意 kind of scene. I have never been very into practical passions. I do not stay just because I have to. I go as according to the wind, the music, and of course, most importantly God. For I know, my prayers have all been answered thus far. And His directions for me have always been right.

God is great. Hallelujah ⛪🙏🌈

I have taken more than a day to sort out my thoughts. It’s so good to spend moments with God. Just as always since young. Thankful to my primary schoolmate back then who showed me the love of God. If not, I would still be lost.

Thank God for your blessings.
Thank God for your love.
Thank God for being here for me.
Thank God for your patience.
Thank God for allowing me time.
Thank God for your plans.

Finding peace in You, my God.

………
Thank God for allowing me to be happy. I guess…many years ago I didn’t think I will be able to feel this. I thought of myself, as someone whose heart was dying, day by day. And all I wanted was to just get out. But being stuck was a horrible sensation. Coz I couldn’t move towards being happy. I didn’t know I was the one who allowed myself to be stuck. I simply concentrated on my dying heart. And perhaps dwelling on the negativity…But God picked me up. Once again. Just like more than 2 decades ago. God doesn’t allow me to be stuck. He gave me a direction. And I simply prayed and followed.

So now. It’s that similar feeling. And once again, I know that I am not stuck. The only thing I have to deal with, is my willingness. The willingness to forgo many things. There is no right or wrong in this. It’s more of a matter of how willing I am.

I guess, I need to identify my love.
Home is where the heart is.
🏡💖
Simply so.

Saying Goodbye

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I think this should be my favourite hangout…Quiet. Yes, there are people. But not too crowded for my discomfort. I like it when I get to have the chance to be alone, do my lone thinking, be in my own world…I try to socialise. Haha, in fact, I have always tried. The only problem is I enjoy my lone time more than anything else. Oh, I wonder whether there’s anyone who really can understand this part. I just don’t want people to misunderstand. It’s not that I don’t enjoy their company. I do. I really do. For if I don’t, I wouldn’t have even bothered to spend any slightest of time with them at all.

Saying Goodbye is tough. Is it so?…
When I say Goodbye, I just pack and go. It seems that I have no qualms in just getting to what I want…and that’s to leave. To go to where I want to be. Wherever the place is. Whoever I want to be with. I don’t know whether this is scary. To anyone who knows me. Or perhaps those who think they know me may eventually realise they have not known me at all…

Saying Goodbye is tough. When it is forever.

Oh and I am tearing. Comforting someone is just like comforting my future self. I have been through the stages of grieving. But still, the grief I had been through was of another form. Back then, it was more of an emotional form. How do I prepare for a physical form of grief? I don’t think we could ever be prepared.

…To love a person is to be patient..
I have recently realised about this.

As from the Bible:
1 Corinthians 13:4-13 New International Version (NIV)

[4 Love is patient, love is kind….8 Love never fails….13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.]

I realised that we all have different rates of growth. Different environment settings. Different backgrounds. Different circumstances in life. All these affect our rate of growth. I guess at times it’s hard to be patient. Hard to understand. But I will.

While there are many things in life that I am looking so much forward to, I have to remind myself not to be greedy. Not to fall into the temptation of greed. Sometimes we may get carried away, when we recognise that we can get so much more of the things we want…when we keep having the feelings of being shortchanged…when we forget to be thankful…when we aren’t thankful for the blessings we received from God…

I told myself, it’s either now or never ever. Is this a good advice? I am worried that I am just acting based on my impulse. And yet I am worried that I am just procrastinating. How do I strike a balance?

I can get obsessed with music. I can listen to the same song or music over and over again…until I can even play the tune of this piece…Obsession. That’s what I would be, when I really have the passion or the love. And perhaps, this is the greatest fear I have. I am just too extreme. Does this make sense?

We are just pilgrims in this world. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. What have I not been doing?

Mundane chores are just the reality. We couldn’t be walking in the rainbows daily, could we? But rainbow is the covenant that God has made with us. Thus, I should be…walking towards this rainbow…shouldn’t I?

And yes, I have always loved the rainbow 🌈 I still believe that our world is beautiful.

Oh. And all those dramas and movies I have watched. I am not exactly a romanticist…And I don’t really like romance either…But there are some that left a deep impression in my heart. Just like some people…Goblin and The Great Gatsby. To confess, I did fell asleep at some episodes of Goblin, and I did let the episodes run while I was busy with the Internet. Not exactly a fan of Kdrama rom-com or whatever genre that drama was. But Goblin did set me thinking. Just like the appearance of some people here and there… Now and then… I am aware of myself, that my thoughts do not necessarily resulted in me pipping it with actions. I don’t know. I just couldn’t. Or maybe, I just wouldn’t. The Great Gatsby was heart-wrenching at some parts. Or perhaps, it was bizarre 😂😂😂 But I think I love the cinematography of this set. To me, this is artistic.

Tell me, what is love? I have heard differing versions. I have seen differing versions. The most consistent version of love in human form is from a mother to a child (though I do see differing versions of this as well 😨). I have been too busy to notice that the last I really fell much for someone was 5-6 years ago. And despite some distractions in between the years, I didn’t want to pursue anything concrete. Do I really want anything concrete? What’s concrete, when feelings are just easily swayed? Regardless of the number of years you have known a person. Regardless of the tough times you have been through with a person. Regardless of the faith you share with the person. Regardless of the future you have promised to pursue together. Love should be concrete, shouldn’t it? And anything that is concrete can also be demolished, isn’t it so? With human technology. And which in this day and time, social media. But, is social media the only destructive factor? I would still think, it’s the wandering and lingering hearts…

Nope. I think it’s perfectly fine to develop feelings for another person. Be it whether one is single, attached, or married. We aren’t robots, how can we programme ourselves not to have feelings? The only grip comes from how we handle our feelings.

My friend asked me, was it the Japanese guy who made me realise about this…He’s like a poem. Poem in my bookmark. That’s the description I have for him. Some people talk a lot, and there’s no content. Some people hardly talk and so I hardly know them. Some people…are just like the words in the poem. Artistic intellectual.

But then, it’s just that. I rather this remains a beautiful memory, than letting the passion fizzles…

And subsequently, I am just too busy…too busy catching up with my own self, to get my #metime, my sanity. I cherish my freedom a lot. One thing I cannot reconcile, is having to lose my freedom. I can’t, and I have to remind myself about this. Freedom is a precious commodity to me. Just like time.

And yes, I run away when I sense I am losing my freedom…I never know how to put these into words. But that’s me. I am unable to stay within a cage. I need to hop around. I need the freedom to run to the places and people I love. I need my space. I don’t want to end up grousing, and whining about not having enough of what I want. I don’t want to feel obliged to the other person, even if I love this person, I want to be a cheerful giver, I don’t want to be doing things just because I am in that position…

For the one who has tried to touch me with his mindful heart, I am thankful that things have ended. For there’s nothing I can really reciprocate from my part. I have seen it coming, just as what has happened earlier…way before this. I just cannot reciprocate.

Maybe people will say I am just being ungrateful, discontented etc. Whatever. My decision is always clear. I can’t be reciprocating whatever that comes along.

And so. I think, it’s indeed good to have my me-time.

Currently, I’m listening to this song by Lana Del Rey. Not hard to guess which particular song it is. Just that this song reminds me so much of a friend I used to have…who always pursues love. And were those loves after all?…If those were loves, there’s no need to be jealous at all. If those were loves, there’s no need to compete at all. I wish…this friend understood this. And now, oh well, I have to handle yet another one…Just because of some unresolved feelings from the past?…I am the innocent one. As usual. I did nothing. And to me, it’s nonsensical competition. If the person chose me in the past, it wasn’t me who wanted to be chosen from the start. If the person is still nice to me, it isn’t me who wants this person to still be nice to me…I don’t know how to explain.

Hard to say Goodbye?
…when we don’t ever get to see each other in this lifetime…

☁☁☁☁☁🌄🌄🌅🌅🌇🌇🌆🌆🌃🌃🌌🌌🌏🌏🌏🌏🌏

My current favourite mouthwash!

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Oh my! I am raving so much about this mouthwash that I am currently using. I simply adore it! My usual routine of flossing my teeth, brushing my teeth and with the latest addition of using this mouthwash, I can indeed find that my mouth is getting rid of many unwanted stuffs inhibiting my teeth and gum. So thankful that there’s this particular mouthwash that doesn’t really bite. Listerine bites, but it’s also good for my use, especially when I want to get rid of bacteria that affects my mouth. I don’t use Listerine on a daily basis…

I seriously don’t like the way how some guys try to hit on me. Am I flattered? Okay, given my age, I should feel flattered right? Maybe some people will think I am being such an ungrateful brat. Must I reciprocate people’s fairy-tale feelings towards me? I don’t see the need to…But neither do I want to offend anyone. It’s quite tough in a way. Just that I can’t be outrightly rude. Right? Come to think about it, the last time I did have romantic thoughts about someone was…hmmm…5-6 years ago? It was somewhat mutual, but then, circumstances were so different during those years. I had too much to cope, and my priorities were very clear. Was I very focused on my responsibilities back then. Yes, I was. Very. Clear.

I did tell myself that such moments like that would come and go. Having said that, of course we don’t fall for people every now and then, that would have been an addiction. Yet at the same time, I am of the view that…it’s alright to just let go of those feelings when my circumstances do not permit. I was very clear, that my years earlier on did not permit me the liberty to make multiple commitments. I would have really gone berserk and not accomplished anything well at all. Thus I chose to let go.

I wondered, did I tell myself that there would always be moments like this? And now I am wondering, how many of such moments would I be encountering? It’s not as if I am still in my teens or 20s. Would there be any regret on my part subsequently?

I don’t want my decision to end up as just an excuse for me to recover from my stifling past. I just want to develop more of myself. And my decision should not be a reflection of any escapism.

What sort of vibes do I give to people in my social circle?
What sort of vibes do I give to others who aren’t in my social circle?
I just hope that people don’t misunderstand.

For me…I think I will recognise…when I am all smiles…

Childhood dreams

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A pair of shoes which delighted me in each step I walked.
Polka dots, ribbon and yellow.
Such simple designs make me happy.
There is no need for blings.

Do I have a simple life? Simple is all in the mind. Haha, wow such deep thoughts?…I guess, I have simple style. I am just so not into trendy stuffs. Neither am I a conservative by the way. So what am I? I am me.

One of my childhood dreams is to have a piano. And yes indeed, I will choose the one I like, and I’m going to put in my heart for the pieces I love. Yes, I love composing my own music. But I want to learn beyond that. I can do only the melody, but I need the entire piece. So what can I do? Play by ear? Hmmm

I always marveled at how affordable the pianos are, over in Japan. The same Kawai set will cost twice here…which is a sad thing for me. But then, piano prices seem to have dropped quite a bit over these years, so it’s highly likely that I shall get my first love after all…Music…is the key.

Quite intrigued with how I can appear to look so bloated over the years. Either I have been eating too well (too much most likely!) or I have been getting aplenty of water retention. Oh dear! 😱😱😱 Anyway, yup I still get random people asking me whether I’m a Korean…strange right? In the past, people thought I am a Japanese…and now Korean in recent years? Well, I really have to say that I am all natural. While I don’t think that I am a beauty in any way, I do think that my features do resemble some of the Koreans and Japanese. I have always love the Japanese. No doubt there are black sheep as well, I’ve encountered more kinder and generous ones…and yes, I do agree that having some good looks or nice features do help alot in getting things done…be it in local areas or overseas. And sometimes, having the features of a Korean also help too, when it comes to being “fierce” and insistent…thus i usually get things solved…

When I was younger, I thought of the world as being simpler. And thus I never ever thought of making the best of what I have or capable of…… Now, I am very much aware. Am I sad about such realisation? I have to remind myself, never to exploit or make use of people for my own benefit. Sometimes, it can be all too easy to just manipulate…but then, I don’t think I can do that for long. Coz it’s just not my nature. I don’t grow up in such an environment. Perhaps that’s why, in my earlier years, I looked more like a Japanese instead…

I’m still very manga, of which I think when I let down my guards, that’s when people see more of the real me. I try not to be manga, because I don’t want to be exploited. When I’m happy, I’m actually very manga. But the thing is, I’m more often happy than unhappy…thus it’s kind of stifling for me not to behave manga. Over the years, I have evolved. To the extent that I don’t show my manga self. Often.

I hope I get to establish more good and real friendships this year. I understand, that with all relationships, it’s a compromise based on willingness. Apart from chemistry. Yes, we need chemistry in friendships too, not just for romance. I shall try not to be such a hermit. Can I lessen my me-time? I’m still not keen…it’s all too comfortable for me to fall back onto my me-time. It’s hard to accommodate. In daily life. For travels, I think I have no problem with that. But I also want to do my own travels. Me-time travels. I find it very exciting to travel on my own, and getting to places, encountering new experiences… I like to socialise. But not over here. Hmm… maybe because in other countries, I need not show any commitment to maintaining friendships and such? I mean, I won’t get to see them so often as in monthly, weekly or daily right?… i prefer to maintain long distance friendships in a certain way. But people may not be of similar view as myself. Oh well.

I think in addition to my claustrophobia, I have many other phobias as well. They aren’t scary, and I have found ways to manage them…😂 If I can’t make up my mind, I freeze and not decide. If I love the items so much, I either get all or none. If I cannot commit, I just don’t…contact. 😄😄😄 These may be just my many naive ways of handling. But at least it’s better than I make a mess, right?

And for very important decisions, I can actually take a range of 4 hours till many years later…Yes, I can wait. As according to my preference. For my own decision. I would very much prefer myself to be convinced and remain committed to my decision, than to have a half-hearted mind about my decision…

So. Until. I. Decide. Clearly.
May take forever.
😄😄😄😂😂😂😄😄😄

Freedom

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Freedom is such a scarce commodity. Do you know that?

I value and treasure freedom. I dislike having to go according to what the mainstream wants. Maybe I am a rebel. I usually do the opposite. But then, it could be I am the odd person. And thus no one else will follow my train of thoughts. Nevertheless, do I mind? Nope. I am perfectly fine with this. I don’t need the entire village. In fact, I can’t be bothered with this. I have never liked to let myself be tied down. To anything. To anyone. I hate that. Yes, absolutely. And thus, I think, I need to follow my own instinct. The more I try to rationalise, the more excuses I come up with. Excuses, yes indeed they are. Just that I may choose not to recognise them as excuses. I can say they are my reasons. The reasons why I am the way I am. But then, those are actually excuses. Which I may have never discovered it. Or maybe I may have never wanted to reveal it.

Freedom is extremely precious to me. Maybe it’s my recurring dream of the past, where the box just became smaller and smaller, tiny and tinier…Or voila! replace it with a room, becoming smaller and smaller…until I woke up in sweat! See? I need freedom. And thus I cannot imagine…the loss of it.

I have hardly done something just solely to please someone. Not that I don’t love them, but just that, the very thought that if I have to go and please a person, is this person really my close one? I may not know how things work in this world, but I believe in simplicity. And thus, needless to say, I tend to simplify things…Which may seem to be disastrous for some. But I have no wish to delve further in the deeper thoughts and meanings behind it. If I don’t seek to please, I know it means nothing much to me. But when I choose to please, I am decided, I have made a choice. So, I have to produce more actions based on my decision. Actually, it’s easy to make a decision. Just that I am being too greedy…I like the color Blue, but I don’t like this shade of Blue. I think that White goes well with Black, but I cannot imagine having to take care of White. I find Gunmetal Grey strong-looking, but I think it’s boring to some extent. I think Black is stylo-milo, but I can’t handle the birdshit that come as a package….oh well, hard to please right? My decision…My Freedom to make.

And yeah, I have been taking extremely long time. I am unable to commit.

I just don’t have the urge to commit…In whatever ways. So…please don’t force me.

Gotta chill and have some ice soda.

Nonsense? Yeah…maybe.