I get affected when I hear of news of the demise of people I know or once knew. Most of us are of similar age group. Either a few years younger or a few years older. A fellow course mate passed on in her 30s. I remembered her chirpy self. 2 ex-colleagues passed on in their 40s. And now, a fellow parent whom I knew, succumbed to cancer and passed on. His demise brought much thoughts to us.
I never realise how hard it is to handle and face up to this reality. I often thought that, I wouldn’t be affected if it’s not my close ones. But well, no. I am deeply affected. The reality of life and time struck me, even much more than ever.
Mum shared with me something that saddened me. I know how awful and regretful she feels, and that’s why I am so sad. But alas. When people aren’t ready at that point of time, nothing I say or have done would ever bring the people to do what they should and could. It must be the heart that’s willing. Most of the times, it’s the heart that we have to deal with. Coz our hearts are usually tormented and guided by emotions. Our emotions may be conflicting – while we know exactly what’s right or good for us, we tend to do it otherwise.
I am no saint. And is susceptible too.
I wish that I don’t think much about things. And just dwell in the moments. Coz that’s how life should be, isn’t that so? At the end of the day, what do we really want? Possessions?
I am not a control freak. To me, I think, it’s fine for whichever decision made, as long as both parties are fine with it. But well, it’s tough to have both hearts of the same page and similar mindsets. And it’s not healthy to keep second guess. Once upon a time, perhaps in my younger days, the word “mind games” seemed to be the hype. I hate this word, and seriously I am someone who acts as according to my heart – along with much procrastination. And well, in the end, people thought I was playing “mind-games” … and I was
I don’t like quarrels, and will avoid conflicts at all cost, if possible for matters related to my private self. I am definitely not who I am as with my public self. I ask myself, why? With public self, most of the time I am dealing with people unrelated to me – people whom I do not consider as my inner circle. Thus, perhaps likewise for them, which is expected. And as such, people tend to make decisions and carry out actions which inconvenience/hurt you and they couldn’t even be bothered about it, for they think of themselves as some self-deserving pricks. Seriously, I am tired of accommodating. For in the end, when I don’t flare up, I actually hurt my own self – toxic buildup and this is serious. I have seen how stifling my emotions and behaving like zombie led to toxic buildup. And in the end, who is the one suffering? I no longer want to have such toxic buildup. Shouldn’t we just trash it out, since it’s toxic?
And yes, a procrastinator like myself may take years to embark on any logical action and decision. Up to the point that I don’t even realise that I am behaving much like – zombie?
I was being advised, many times – but I am still being slow. Really very slow. Seriously, am I waiting until the cow comes home?
Need to go through some periods of clearing my trash. Only then will I be able to think clearly. I keep putting thoughts away and not being exactly true to myself. I keep coming up with excuses and reasons.
Just this morning I was still telling myself – it’s good.
But well, end of the day, when my friend broke the news of our mutual friend’s demise, I can’t help but being deeply affected.
It helps when there’s someone who listens. But then, at the end of the day, it’s me facing it. I try to bury it. And bury that. Too many things and I just want to: not think about all. Haha, I should marry a farmer. Focus on thinking of the ways to grow the crop well…and being happy daily to see the crops growing healthily…very much in focus. No crap. And best, I get to be closer to nature. Not in boxed-up places of cities – home, offices, malls. I have claustrophobia and I need space.
Space. I really enjoy going to the palaces in South Korea. For there is aplenty of space in these palaces. I get to roam…lol…and I love it!
Ferris Wheel. Seemingly Japan’s love. Many sets of Ferris Wheel. In a way, it’s romantic. Okay, I just enjoy the romance and I don’t like the reality that comes along with it. My friend said that I am very much enlightened. To me, isn’t that the truth? The chases and the mysteries are what piqued me. Not the reality. As what I have mentioned earlier on, I don’t like quarrels. I like to be quiet. With my close ones. Coz I just simply like to be in their presence. And of course once in many while, I need my space aka me-time. I get mad if I don’t. But people don’t understand. They think I am being distant. This baffles me.
And well, if I don’t talk to you, am I being distant? … can it be that I just need to clear my thoughts properly so that I can understand myself better? … and in the process, I may get to exhibit my truest emotions? Hmm…
Yup. A listening ear helps to keep the doctor away. Not an apple lol.