Deeply Affected

I get affected when I hear of news of the demise of people I know or once knew. Most of us are of similar age group. Either a few years younger or a few years older. A fellow course mate passed on in her 30s. I remembered her chirpy self. 2 ex-colleagues passed on in their 40s. And now, a fellow parent whom I knew, succumbed to cancer and passed on. His demise brought much thoughts to us.

I never realise how hard it is to handle and face up to this reality. I often thought that, I wouldn’t be affected if it’s not my close ones. But well, no. I am deeply affected. The reality of life and time struck me, even much more than ever.

Mum shared with me something that saddened me. I know how awful and regretful she feels, and that’s why I am so sad. But alas. When people aren’t ready at that point of time, nothing I say or have done would ever bring the people to do what they should and could. It must be the heart that’s willing. Most of the times, it’s the heart that we have to deal with. Coz our hearts are usually tormented and guided by emotions. Our emotions may be conflicting – while we know exactly what’s right or good for us, we tend to do it otherwise.

I am no saint. And is susceptible too. 

I wish that I don’t think much about things. And just dwell in the moments. Coz that’s how life should be, isn’t that so? At the end of the day, what do we really want? Possessions?

I am not a control freak. To me, I think, it’s fine for whichever decision made, as long as both parties are fine with it. But well, it’s tough to have both hearts of the same page and similar mindsets. And it’s not healthy to keep second guess. Once upon a time, perhaps in my younger days, the word “mind games” seemed to be the hype. I hate this word, and seriously I am someone who acts as according to my heart – along with much procrastination. And well, in the end, people thought I was playing “mind-games” … and I was O_o

I don’t like quarrels, and will avoid conflicts at all cost, if possible for matters related to my private self. I am definitely not who I am as with my public self. I ask myself, why? With public self, most of the time I am dealing with people unrelated to me – people whom I do not consider as my inner circle. Thus, perhaps likewise for them, which is expected. And as such, people tend to make decisions and carry out actions which inconvenience/hurt you and they couldn’t even be bothered about it, for they think of themselves as some self-deserving pricks. Seriously, I am tired of accommodating. For in the end, when I don’t flare up, I actually hurt my own self – toxic buildup and this is serious. I have seen how stifling my emotions and behaving like zombie led to toxic buildup. And in the end, who is the one suffering? I no longer want to have such toxic buildup. Shouldn’t we just trash it out, since it’s toxic?

And yes, a procrastinator like myself may take years to embark on any logical action and decision. Up to the point that I don’t even realise that I am behaving much like – zombie?

I was being advised, many times – but I am still being slow. Really very slow. Seriously, am I waiting until the cow comes home? 

Need to go through some periods of clearing my trash. Only then will I be able to think clearly. I keep putting thoughts away and not being exactly true to myself. I keep coming up with excuses and reasons. 

Just this morning I was still telling myself – it’s good.

But well, end of the day, when my friend broke the news of our mutual friend’s demise, I can’t help but being deeply affected.

It helps when there’s someone who listens. But then, at the end of the day, it’s me facing it. I try to bury it. And bury that. Too many things and I just want to: not think about all. Haha, I should marry a farmer. Focus on thinking of the ways to grow the crop well…and being happy daily to see the crops growing healthily…very much in focus. No crap. And best, I get to be closer to nature. Not in boxed-up places of cities – home, offices, malls. I have claustrophobia and I need space.

Space. I really enjoy going to the palaces in South Korea. For there is aplenty of space in these palaces. I get to roam…lol…and I love it! 

Ferris Wheel. Seemingly Japan’s love. Many sets of Ferris Wheel. In a way, it’s romantic. Okay, I just enjoy the romance and I don’t like the reality that comes along with it. My friend said that I am very much enlightened. To me, isn’t that the truth? The chases and the mysteries are what piqued me. Not the reality. As what I have mentioned earlier on, I don’t like quarrels. I like to be quiet. With my close ones. Coz I just simply like to be in their presence. And of course once in many while, I need my space aka me-time. I get mad if I don’t. But people don’t understand. They think I am being distant. This baffles me.

And well, if I don’t talk to you, am I being distant? … can it be that I just need to clear my thoughts properly so that I can understand myself better? … and in the process, I may get to exhibit my truest emotions? Hmm…

Yup. A listening ear helps to keep the doctor away. Not an apple lol.

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Distant memories

Why do I feel that this is like a distant memory to me, now?

It’s now April. But why do I feel as if many years have passed since Dec last year? Or rather, since my previous trip?

I wonder why. When I see the photos, they seem like distant memories to me. Why? Did I miss these places very much? Have I forgotten about the country I love?

Perhaps I haven’t been in touch with my feelings for long. Going on robotic motions day by day, plagued with the constant pain I am receiving each day. The problem is, the pain shifts and I can’t exactly identify the exact part. For it will be semi-different the next. Oh what…!

And because of the nagging shifting pain, I lost aplenty of feelings. Or I simply am like a zombie or a robot. Doing things. Systematically.

Or perhaps, I am chilling out. Oh haha!

There are things I am trying to make sense of. The things spoken to me. The things I encountered. The strange sense that I felt. I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand it either. And perhaps that’s why, distant memories floated back. Back to my JC days…

Those days were quite a blur to me. I only remembered I was down with chicken pox and had to quit from my holiday job and my dance troupe. The next I knew, I met a friend, who knew me more than I knew myself, who showered me with aplenty of care and concern. And especially time with me.

I missed that friend, for somehow, the friend was indeed very patient with me, and provided aplenty of support for me. In fact, I felt like a princess and was tended to, in all ways…

Not everyone gave me the same vibes as that friend of mine. And thus, I am confused. And I tried not to think. Perhaps my distant memories are better. And I can just dwell in them. But in life, as long as we are still up and about, every day shall become a memory. 

Some people have kind words for you. Some people have sugar-coated ones for you. Some simply have weird words for you. Duh. I try not to let it remain too much in my head, but it’s kind of difficult too, when you keep having such encounters. I try not to be affected. But why wouldn’t I think upon what’s being said? And…what I actually felt?…

I want to take a good walk with my good friend. It’s a walk long overdue. I can’t keep walking and hearing just myself. Or some weirdos. 

Perhaps I may get to a point, when I doubt what were being said to me and what I encountered. How does one differentiate from the reality and a dream? By pinching oneself? … πŸ˜„

Actually, if nothing was being said, at that point, I won’t be confused. And I won’t even notice. I am just … a zombie?… I hardly feel. I wouldn’t even think. I don’t know, but perhaps psychologically I usually psycho-ed myself into oblivion and it’s easier for me to do my stuffs. Until someone must have been so frustrated with me – and has to make me see…feel…think.

Maybe I have heard wrongly.

Maybe it was just a normal sensation.

Maybe this was just because.

To me, I prefer outwardly forthcoming rather than discreet…at least I can laugh and joke at the former…I couldn’t make sense of the latter…

And with that, is the reason why my distant memories came floating back…it bears much similarities. My JC friend.

Well in time to come, this shall become a distant memory… … … … …

Being frivolous

Call me frivolous. I like pretty things. Edible and non-edible stuffs. And I like all things with speckles of gold haha…not diamonds though.

It all started with my first trip to Kyoto in 2008. Was that a decade ago?…During that trip, I bought the specialty matcha power with gold speckles. And with that, I know it’s my love…to enjoy my drinks with gold speckles. Thus when I went to Kanazawa, I knew I had to buy. The golden foil speckles. And of course, why would I forget about the hot stuff: Softserve with gold foil leave!!!! πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’– Even if it’s winter and super cold, I wasn’t daunted…I just had to have it 😚😚😚

Yes, call me frivolous. For in what way will gold enhance our body system?…actually, it’s nothing. Might as well buy gold bars 😊😊😊 $$$

Seriously, I don’t think I have to be dirt serious at all times. I like to have fun and try to take things lightly. Come on, if we take things all too hard, our body system will suffer. So, let it go. And close…both eyes.

Thus, when random people hit on me, I also try to close both eyes. And perhaps ears as well. I can’t be reciprocating everyone’s feelings right? It’s just too tiring. I usually choose to act blur and ignore. Not that I don’t get it. I get it totally. But I don’t want to accept. Some people find it frustrating. And I don’t just receive from messages. However, the incredible thing is: Most of the time, the one who seems most decent is the one who says the strangest thing of all. 

At the end of the day, I think, most people are the same. Men and women alike. It’s really a matter of how we restrain ourselves. I am very surprised with the recent one, for I seriously never see it coming. If I were younger, in my uni days, what would be my reaction? Thinking about this, and somehow, I knew that I shouldn’t have not reciprocated a few back then…at least things wouldn’t be so complicated, it would have been much simpler!

Maybe people think I should not be happy by myself. Do they really know me? I mean, I do have my other parts of life that I don’t reveal at all. Or am I really what I seem to be? 

I miss Japan. Despite seeing Japan every half a year. It’s a feeling of want. Wanting to be there. As always, I feel like I am being back at home over there. I keep going back for more. It’s the comfort I crave. I also miss Korea. South Korea. I want to visit her again. I don’t like the shopping. But I love the food, and I love the palaces…and the ancient history, which I totally can relate.

I don’t want to be embroiled in the mundane lifestyle. People don’t get contented anyway, regardless of the type of lifestyle they seem to have portrayed. I don’t want to be tied to anyone. Amazing that actually that’s what most people want. But I am not ‘most people’. Not now, and not even in the past. Maybe I have not given the right vibes to people. Some people just like to think otherwise of me. Little do they know, I am actually like a bird…I love to take flight and go…

Perhaps I may change a few years later. Quite true. Perhaps. I can’t say for sure either. That’s in the future. But what I do know is now, and based on my characteristics stemmed from my younger days, I like to explore. And the thirst for exploration hasn’t been quenched yet.

Or rather, to sum it up, I am just not interested. Since when do I really express an interest in mundane lifestyle? And no thanks, I am not interested to be someone’s interest, though that’s indeed flattering and as what some may say, it’s a boost to my ego. Sure, indeed a boost, when I happened to meet an acquaintance from more than a decade ago. She said I looked so good! πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„ 

I think I know the secret. To looking good. 

Or rather, it’s my secret to looking good. And being au naturale 😚

All about Perspectives

We are all in pursuits of different stuffs in life. Perhaps what we lack, and thus we pursue. Or perhaps what we like, and thus we pursue. The chase is always fun or exciting. Subsequently what withstood the test of time awaits to be seen. Just like we have seen people chucking aside their toy bear once they get a Nintendo. Does this mean that they never loved toy bear? Does this mean that Nintendo is their true love? Months later, iPhone number ten arrives and yippee yeah yeah rushes out to queue for it. So, that iPhone raises the adrenaline, one feels the rush to get it. Oh well, in another year, one also falls in love with the new Switch. Hmm….right, so in love.

I have seen it. All. Endless pursuits. Mindless lifestyle. I believe if I have a heavy dose of sugary stuffs, I will also see an increase of adrenaline and I may even go around kissing and proclaiming my love! Instead, I stay away. Why? Coz I know the aftermath. Routine sets in. Reality is here to stay.

Yet on the other hand, I have my dreams.

How do I describe? I am just not a conventional person, despite my super seemingly down-to-earth nature. I always try my best to mix my ideals with reality. Without affecting anyone negatively. Most of the times, I tell myself to just ignore the advances of somebody. I mean, it’s easy to fall. But then, even if I were to fall, I want…lol…Lee MH…okay, just joking. LMH is not my type. Bad boys aren’t my type. I like intellectuals. Poetic intellectuals. Just for romance. Not for serious.

I am not being serious, definitely, am I? 

I just don’t want reality to set in. *Yawn*

I am quite amused, for most people would want and love to be given affection, and yet here I am, not hankering. To others, I am not being appreciative. And to some others, I am being arrogant?…hmm…Well, I just like to have it my way, okie…and I don’t want anyone to accommodate me. Why? I don’t want to be indebted to anyone.

I’m just me. If I am out shopping, I take super long time to decide on my stuffs. Because if I choose to shop in local places, that’s usually for big item purchases. And I don’t make decisions on the spot there. I would look, touch, feel…walk around…research, look, touch, feel.. to exponential times as I desire! I tell myself, so what if there seems to be a sale/good discount? Salespeople always tell us this. I am not swayed by such. To me, when I am ready, I will buy. I don’t do impulse purchase for big ticket items. If the item is no longer around, so be it, it isn’t meant for me to purchase, no?

Yes, I ζˆ‘θ‘Œζˆ‘η΄  I like to 独ζ₯独往. I really don’t like to accommodate anyone. Maybe initially I will. Because I will always try. But I can’t deny my real self. Sooner or later, I will just be back to my seclusion lol…my cave…

My cosy corner: Ah Bear-bear, Stripey, Relax Gude, Happy-go-lucky Roll πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–

Insights and Perceptions

What we think and do, are these all being governed by our upbringing?

Or are these simply by-products of our very own natural mindset? 

I don’t understand how people can choose to be rude. Yes I know one can be rude. But how do you make that into a decision from your choices – rude, well-mannered, neutral, warm, cold etc? Is this a reflection of one’s environment, or merely a defensive mechanism?

I know how to be rude. But it’s a conscious choice I decided to make each time, not to be rude, when I encounter frustrating moments. And it’s not my default mode to be rude. Surprisingly for many, it seems that it’s a default to them. Maybe I am being picky. Thinking too deeply. Rudeness in the eyes of many, actually equates to norm way of life. Oh well, thousands of years of civilisation of us humankind…equates to rubbish?

I wonder, have I been living in a sheltered environment or have I subconsciously exclude rudeness out of my life?

And perhaps, each time I make a certain decision, I am governed by the Holy Spirit, to act in accordance to what the Bible says? I am not all saint. I do have my struggles. I recognise this and I seek help. From who? Definitely not from mankind but from God.

I remembered those years when I served fervently as a Sunday School teacher in church. And those years when I leaned upon God’s word and the Holy Spirit for understanding and directions. I am very thankful for all the moments of opportunities God has given me, past and present. For each time, He has sent His word for me to rely upon. And of course, the gift that He has given me.

I try not to use the gift. Because in the past I was saddened upon its use. However His gift allows me to receive Holy insights and with that, moves me towards God’s path for me, instead of man’s path. I can’t just put away this gift and not utilise it for godly purposes. Perhaps for many years I did not want to use it. Because there are other important things bothering my heart. Perhaps for many years I already had this insight, but I chose to put it away and told myself that it’s just NOT THAT.

What about now? I still have other important things to handle. Can I deal with them?

Of course I can. For that’s the time when God gets me to refer to His Holy Word. With the Bible, I see and know the truth. Truth bears no weight when man pursues not of God. As I pursue things of God, the Truth weighs me down. Extremely much. Thus my heart is heavy. My heart is weary. But His Holy Word restores my heaviness and weariness of heart.

It’s so easy to be tempted. As long as I do not pray and do not seek God’s words and directions, I know the extent to which I can just embark on. It’s scary when temptations set in. And they exist in all kinds – human form and not non-human form. And because I recognise that temptations do creep in, I have to be on the alert and be mindful to refer to God’s directions at all times.

I don’t understand why people will exploit others. But I think it’s just being mutual. One has to consent to being exploited, no? Just that the one who consented to being exploited may also in turn have a hidden agenda. And when the hidden agenda is not being achieved or things go awry, we expose the exploiter…

I seek the truth, and don’t fancy half-truths and lies. I am thankful of people who speak truths to me. How do I ascertain truths? When it’s beyond superficiality. When it’s not just a matter of convenience. When my presence is not of contributive effect to the matter concerned.

I may not like the truths. But I respect the person who tells me the truth. 

What most people may think: You won’t like the person if you know the truth.

O_o              O_o             O_o

This only means most people care more about being liked…

Indeed a moment of confirmation for me.

I know how hard it is to feel not being liked. Recalled my earlier days when a fellow churchmate viewed me as her rivalry. And she did all sorts of things to show me she didn’t like me. It hurt me badly – only because I viewed her as my sis-in-christ. So I referred to my trusted aide – God’s Holy Word! And with that, I know, that while I feel sad that she didn’t like me, I recognise that I do not need her acknowledgement of like for me, because she’s not God. And with this incident, it sort of confirmed and made me into who I am today.

I don’t seek approval from anyone but God.

There are temptations. To do things that bring me away from God. And so what I do is: Pray and Pray and Pray.

Quiet moments. I need. Be it for prayers against temptations or prayers for healing. Or just being still before God.

An episode away from home

My app didn’t manage to load many of my writings, since last year till this current moment. And while I try to understand and find my missing writings, I am at the same time trying to pen down my current thoughts. Oh well, such a confusion to me. Back to the past while trying to understand the present? 😐

An episode I had while far away from home. Went to see a doctor. Initially I wanted to check myself into the hospital…I knew I would have the drip AGAIN. And sure enough, in the clinic, I had my drip. Thankfully, thereafter I was able to have some good and proper meals… It was a real scare. But then, how many scares have I encountered all throughout? 😱 I have been through several rounds of surgery, been through admission to get drips and such… 😐 Sat on wheelchairs, rolled in to hospital operating theatres… Saw the bright light bulbs in the theatres 😐 Coldness. Yup. I went through them all.

I don’t know how to describe the feelings and thoughts. Maybe I am just numbed to all sensations. Maybe I froze?… Just like if someone were to be attentive to me, I would freeze too. Why? Because I am not accustomed to such sensations. 

I still think, it’s better for me to just enjoy my #metime. Things get too complicated and tiring and I don’t want to hear too many voices. I just want to travel and visit the places I love. I don’t think I can ever be ready. I have never been ready. So why would I just suddenly become ready? Impossible…I have never ever really wanted to have shared space shared time…and I don’t compromise or pretend. Thus it is just so hard. I can’t expect people to give in to me, right? I can really be very “bullish”, and this won’t help me in my life and in my growth.

I don’t want to keep considering and putting myself away. Maybe this is my first year of getting back to myself. And thus I feel so overwhelmed with what I could and would have done. I have put away my wants and loves far too long. To the fact that I seem to have forgotten…the existence! And thus I need strength. I can’t handle my emotions. Strong emotions. And that’s bad for my health. For in a way, this may result in undue stress. 

I am not all perfect. And thus I wish people don’t expect much from me. I have my weaknesses too. And as much as I want to do my best, to my conscience, I may choose to do otherwise too… coz after all, I am a human and not a robot. Why can’t I fail in some aspects? Why can’t I just pursue what I want?

Thousands of thoughts. Just which one is mine?

It’s been a while since I last had a proper #me time

A weirdo I am. My #me time comprises of me ALONE. And best if I am on a sunny island. Small island. Facing the sea, with a boat/yacht by my side…haha…

Thinking that one day I should visit Okinawa. Never been there and I don’t know much about the culture and people there. I just think, it will be an interesting trip. Wouldn’t it? I don’t like routine, it’s more of complacency and dependency in the long run. Yes, and that makes me an unthinking person. But well, I have to make some kind of compromise, a decision that most likely allow me to do more exploration. I dislike being tied down, and I just want to venture. Contrary to whatever astrology geeks and horoscope gurus have written, I am someone who opposes regulations, dislikes routine, prefers vibrancy and challenges, desires freedom…only thing they got it right is my love for nature. Yes, NATURE πŸŒ»πŸŒˆπŸŒ³πŸŒΈπŸŒΏβ›„πŸŒžπŸŒ„πŸ—»

I love my home. But I love outdoors actually. Not shopping mall. I love the greenery. And this, I can only do my trekking when I am away. Coz of the cooler climate. And nice people 😊 

A weirdo I am. I can listen to the same song a dozen times πŸ’ΏπŸŽΆπŸŽΉπŸŽΊ Yes, only REPEAT mode. Until I decide to move on to another song and REPEAT. Rinse and repeat. I realise that dancing is a good workout. I tried many years ago. And now, I think I would pick it up again. I just can’t do run too much. I prefer dance with music. Coz I love the rhythm and how my body moves along with the rhythm. In sync with it, that allows me to also freely express myself, my ideas, my movements. I tend to find interests that allows myself to exhibit freedom of choice…expressions. Nail decor, home decor, painting, jewellery making, cooking, composing, dressmaking hmm….i want to hone my skills, and I wish I can be determined enough to remain focus. Somehow, I am distracted on and off…to pursue things of this world. And because of distractions, I feel sad, coz I am being dragged into the mundane of this world, or rather, society so to speak. 

A weirdo I am. I want set aside so much time just to be in touch with myself. Yes I know I can just go out with whosoever. But that’s not the lifestyle I want. To me, it’s still the same. I find myself. I try to be very low-key, be it whatever social circles I have. Maybe I am not prepared at this stage. Thus I appear very lukewarm in my attitude towards matters in life. Life was very hectic for me in the past, and I am glad that I am begining to take a breather now. Thus, I still need time. I know, people say, the time is never right unless you allow yourself to have it…ya. But that’s not me. I am very selfish. With regard to time.

I am looking forward to the day. When I can just do what I desire, as according to my dream. Lol…okay, this may be a dream after all. So let me just dream on πŸ˜‰πŸ™πŸŒˆ

I believe…Hidden Agenda


I believe that our actions denote our real heart. It’s hard to do things opposed to how we feel/think, because that would require special efforts on our part. Such special efforts can be a drain to our energy, and not everyone can keep up with such. Over the days, the fox’s tail is being revealed, slowly yet surely. Haven’t we heard of this phrase “ζ—₯久见人心”?

I gave a decade of chances for some people to prove me wrong. I am fine with the decade gone, because it honed my skills of detecting such people. When I first heard people uttering someone as being childish, I thought to myself, yes indeed, there are many people much kinder and soft-hearted than me. It’s not a matter of whether there are two sides to a coin. Basically, I don’t like to waste my time by going in circles and having people to play the game of rounders. I may entertain you for the first round, thereafter I don’t give a damn. I don’t think we are in kindergarten, or little play groups where we are still trying to get used to the socialisation norms.

Old habits die hard. If we never put a stop to it, we become part of the contributing factor to the eventual outcome. However, many refuse to see this fact. And this leads me to question, the Hidden Agenda.

How many are OK with people not liking them?

How many are constantly striving to be pleasing to others?

How many really do things because of joy in their heart for people?

The first group is a minority. Likewise for the last group. There are many in the middle group.

In all honesty, I believe that there is an overlap between the middle and the last group. The first group is usually being deemed by adjectives such as: arrogant, queer, obstinate, fierce, outcast, etc.

It’s not hard to know which group I belong to. Or perhaps some people refuse to believe that I would actually belong to this group since majority of the world should belong to the middle group. Oh ya, middle group rules the world? Seriously. And don’t trample on my happy nature, for I snap as sharply as what a laser would do.

Is Iron Man concerned about how he appeals to the world? I hope he doesn’t. It would be such a disappointment if he is just someone who is a mediocre. I like some badass, and definitely a hero who is not afraid of stating his stand for the cause he believes in. Is this too much to ask?
 

Being true

image

Bought this during one of my trips. I gathered that this is much better and portable for me. Interesting thing I discovered is, upon using after each session, I get to empty my bowel real well. And air gets dispelled from my body. Prior to this product, I bought some MIC ones. And sad to say, it’s cmi. Cheap though, but they don’t do the work. The problem still remained. Toxins still remained. Thus, I firmly stand to my valued and prized belief: β™‘ Japanese β™‘

God truly has His way of preparing me. My heart. I can totally remain oblivious to what’s being presented right in front of me. I know that God doesn’t want me to be oblivious. To my heart. And for my growth. And I am pretty sure, that everything shall be in line with God’s plan. I am not God. I just have to trust God. All along, I thought it’s with regard to that reason. It’s only now, that I realised. God prepared me a few years ahead. So…likewise, this time round, I hear Him distinctly too, I shall do as commanded. It’s illogical for a practical me, but logical for a realistic me. How do I explain this? Perhaps that’s the reason why I have such a huge struggle earlier on within myself 😄😄😄 Practical vs Realistic…in the end, I just want to walk as according to God’s directions.

I can hear it so loud and clear. To the point I can’t ignore it anymore. How many times must this be brought forward to my heart? And for myself, I don’t make a decision in a spur of moment. If I am decided on it, I must have had considered it a thousand odd times. And of course, I have a considerable amount of quiet time with God solely…no distractions.