It has been some while since I last watched a proper musical. I’ve always loved plays and musicals, having been a lover of classical literature in my younger days. But somehow I evolved over the years, developing taste for philosophical readings and such…to the fact that I prefer non-fiction to fiction. Well, I shall continue to evolve, right? I shan’t and don’t stay constant in time. I have never been a constant, despite my outer portrayal. The only constant is God in my life.
And thus this musical is a great reminder to myself. Of God’s grace and mercy. Of God’s goodness and power. Despite my happy-go-lucky nature, I do have my moments of sadness…not unhappiness…but sadness…or maybe I feel down? I tend to feel down when I am surrounded by negativity. Some may pretend to be positive, but then, their negative selves keep weighing me down. I feel drained. And for that, I want to escape. How do I escape? By leaving.
Leaving things behind. Leaving memories behind. Do I have to go through such moments time and again? Is there a better resolution to face the reality? I don’t like negativity. I really don’t like. For in my life, apart from those years of dark clouds and my mum’s condition, I am mostly surrounded with positivity…thus I feel stifled when I encountered negative energy. I. Simply. Don’t. Like. It.
I know, some may say, grow up please, this world isn’t going to go the way you want, thus stop thinking that this place is heaven. I cringe…why do people have to make this world so ugly???
A friend pointed out a very wise truth. I know I feel sad about the truth. But yet at the same time, I think the truth may only exist in whatever way we want to think and see. If you think I am mad, yes that’s the truth to you, for in your mind and heart, I am mad…so that’s a truth to you and for you.
I know I have stopped explaining myself to most people, as I have known many who just want to think in whichever way they want of the situation. Not many people are keen to see from your point of view. Many just like to insist on their own. And yes, their view is the perfect view. Oh well, being quiet is better. Really better. In this way, let them think whichever way they want, and at the same time, there’s no need for me to waste my energy.
I may have to really consider properly. Where are my thoughts? What do I want? What do I enjoy? What does God want of me?
As of now, I have not received any direction from God. I believe that God does not want me to be distracted. Maybe I am trying to plan too much. Remember I have Plan A, B and C? What do I really want?
It isn’t often that I feel down. Thus, perhaps in a bid to feel more like a human, I need to indulge in such moments. Else, to many others, being happy is indeed something that is mad. So I must feel down to be normal. Is this what I am supposed to feel?
Perhaps I have not been getting plenty of me-time and thus I feel so down and stifled. I really don’t know. I would think it will be tough…to adjust to a different pattern. If I were to share a time and a common space. But…it may not be tough after all, if I am the willing one…
So at the end of the day, the decision lies with me. And perhaps that’s why I feel so drained. I don’t like to make major decision, but this is my life, I have to take ownership for myself. I don’t just go with the flow. Just because everyone is having that, and thus I am and should be having that as well. That’s not me.
I strive to live in the way I want. And thus, I have to take proper time to ascertain…what I really want.
Think properly…Be as true to myself as possible…
Do I want a mundane lifestyle? But well, I can’t take it if it’s too much of an adventure.