Problem with the brain

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And yes indeed, some people just have problems with their brain. Regardless of how facts have been presented, they still insist on their viewpoint. Let me say this again, if you trust God, the God whom you have chosen to pray to, then you better make sure you trust Him and not just paying lip service to Him. And this also includes all your actions, seen or yet to be seen. I feel so perplexed that people just keep deceiving themselves. What’s so wrong with being forthcoming in your behaviour? Why must people hide behind a screen?

I don’t feel hurt. I don’t feel upset. But I am angry. The numerous times that I came with my pure heart. With no other intention. And yet people doubted. All I can say is, one believes it to be so as according to one’s deepest thoughts. To me, I always think that people tell the truth. Because I say the truth. I always think that people love with a pure heart. Because I love with a pure heart. I always think that people do things simply for passion. Because I do things with passion. But then, it’s not so. I shudder to think that mankind is too complicated. And despite whatever blah blah blah reasons, they are just hiding. Why not be frank about it? Is it so complicated? Don’t we read the Bible and practise God’s words? Don’t we hear the pastor telling us time after time? Don’t we know that if we knowingly go against God’s words we have to answer for the consequences?

I feel so…disgusted. Don’t we read the same Bible???

I have already prayed to God. That was the last straw. I hand it all over to God from this point. I won’t do anything. Not anymore. I will just let it be. Disappear. Just as usual. Is it so hard for me to do so? Nope. It’s super easy. Coz I treasure my sanity more than spending time on xyz.

On a side note, it’s amazing how we link up with people and connect with them. Via social media and such. I am glad to be able to help some people along the way. I know, it’s important that I don’t become a pharisee. Remembered my earlier days as a Sunday School teacher. Really love teaching the kids about God’s words. Really miss those days! Now, I have to think and pray. What’s God’s calling for me this time?

I thank God for allowing me to walk closely all these 31 years of faith. There were several years in between when I was lost. But God allows me to be back each time. The most major gap was almost a decade. But then, the decade has made me grown so much!

Perhaps something has happened. And I didn’t know. Perhaps it’s just the look of my happy face that irked some. Perhaps I shouldn’t be happy. I should be in pain? Hmm…agony?…But that’s not me. How do I fake it???

The events all came from God. Perhaps God wants us to see the truth. What am I saying? Of course God wants us to see the truth. The truth…

Anyway, it’s good riddance. And I shall have a good me-time. Why should I bother whether I have to remember this or that? I can forget. Especially when I don’t see you. To me, out of sight out of mind. It’s a relief for me that I don’t have to give up my me-time too.

To misinterpret my needs. What a joke! I don’t like to meet up. Regardless of my friends or acquaintances. I just like to be where my heart is. Thank God for my dwelling place. But at the same time, my heart is somewhere else.

Amazing time spent to think of matters. Different matters in 2 different weeks. I must have been real busy and occupied. Of course, there are hurdles here and there. And I think, it’s the same 3 years 8 months once again…

Wait, God is here. Right?

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Oh my love and a dying heart

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I remembered the same kind of stirrings of the heart. It’s from God. Definitely. Most often than not, I am quite accepting of imperfections. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. And thus it’s fine for people to be imperfect. But unfortunately, I also don’t expect many things from people. And well…

I am already quite a creative person. Just that I am also a very complacent person. Not too sure whether this is a common trait of an artist, I do remember my maternal grandfather as someone who’s complacent. He’s good with his talent and he didn’t hanker much for luxuries. I remembered him as someone who enjoyed painting…and strolling in his neighbourhood. He also liked to play mahjong with his friends. But that’s about all. When I grow old, will I be more like him? Just enjoy my painting?…

Currently, my main creations are my dishes. I love making bentos and it’s kind of therapeutic for me…placing my thoughts far away and in a land I love so much. Just like whenever I listen to this Korean pianist Yiruma, I can’t help but being reminded of those days…my first love. The land I love so much. And thus I also love her people. There are so many good people we have met. Of course, there are black sheep in every country…perhaps it depends on our social circle. We choose the type of people we want to associate ourselves with.

My first love, doesn’t occur only 9 years ago. It started when I was way younger…I remembered those moments back when I was about 5 years old. Fiddling with the ceramic music box, viewing the mirror and watching the ballerina…then I always looked forward to the books my aunt gave me, all the tons of Japanese books, and I learned with passion…along the way, I did numerous origami crafts and bookmarks just to give to my friends and for art exhibitions…I never forgot those days. I was so happy pursuing my passion. It’s a passion that never dies in me. Just that…as we grow up, there are just too many things we have to handle, and somehow we don’t get to allocate time for our passions. Maybe that’s why I feel so stifled. I feel so out of the world. I love to do only art, music and food. How??? Can I start my studies in this area???

Sigh.

I guess…sometimes I have to put thoughts away. How I wish right now, I can just hop on the train, and take the ride along the stretch of sea…watching the waves splashing…maybe I just need someone to calm me down with that voice. Yes, I am nuts for 诗情画意 kind of scene. I have never been very into practical passions. I do not stay just because I have to. I go as according to the wind, the music, and of course, most importantly God. For I know, my prayers have all been answered thus far. And His directions for me have always been right.

God is great. Hallelujah ⛪🙏🌈

I have taken more than a day to sort out my thoughts. It’s so good to spend moments with God. Just as always since young. Thankful to my primary schoolmate back then who showed me the love of God. If not, I would still be lost.

Thank God for your blessings.
Thank God for your love.
Thank God for being here for me.
Thank God for your patience.
Thank God for allowing me time.
Thank God for your plans.

Finding peace in You, my God.

………
Thank God for allowing me to be happy. I guess…many years ago I didn’t think I will be able to feel this. I thought of myself, as someone whose heart was dying, day by day. And all I wanted was to just get out. But being stuck was a horrible sensation. Coz I couldn’t move towards being happy. I didn’t know I was the one who allowed myself to be stuck. I simply concentrated on my dying heart. And perhaps dwelling on the negativity…But God picked me up. Once again. Just like more than 2 decades ago. God doesn’t allow me to be stuck. He gave me a direction. And I simply prayed and followed.

So now. It’s that similar feeling. And once again, I know that I am not stuck. The only thing I have to deal with, is my willingness. The willingness to forgo many things. There is no right or wrong in this. It’s more of a matter of how willing I am.

I guess, I need to identify my love.
Home is where the heart is.
🏡💖
Simply so.

Saying Goodbye

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I think this should be my favourite hangout…Quiet. Yes, there are people. But not too crowded for my discomfort. I like it when I get to have the chance to be alone, do my lone thinking, be in my own world…I try to socialise. Haha, in fact, I have always tried. The only problem is I enjoy my lone time more than anything else. Oh, I wonder whether there’s anyone who really can understand this part. I just don’t want people to misunderstand. It’s not that I don’t enjoy their company. I do. I really do. For if I don’t, I wouldn’t have even bothered to spend any slightest of time with them at all.

Saying Goodbye is tough. Is it so?…
When I say Goodbye, I just pack and go. It seems that I have no qualms in just getting to what I want…and that’s to leave. To go to where I want to be. Wherever the place is. Whoever I want to be with. I don’t know whether this is scary. To anyone who knows me. Or perhaps those who think they know me may eventually realise they have not known me at all…

Saying Goodbye is tough. When it is forever.

Oh and I am tearing. Comforting someone is just like comforting my future self. I have been through the stages of grieving. But still, the grief I had been through was of another form. Back then, it was more of an emotional form. How do I prepare for a physical form of grief? I don’t think we could ever be prepared.

…To love a person is to be patient..
I have recently realised about this.

As from the Bible:
1 Corinthians 13:4-13 New International Version (NIV)

[4 Love is patient, love is kind….8 Love never fails….13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.]

I realised that we all have different rates of growth. Different environment settings. Different backgrounds. Different circumstances in life. All these affect our rate of growth. I guess at times it’s hard to be patient. Hard to understand. But I will.

While there are many things in life that I am looking so much forward to, I have to remind myself not to be greedy. Not to fall into the temptation of greed. Sometimes we may get carried away, when we recognise that we can get so much more of the things we want…when we keep having the feelings of being shortchanged…when we forget to be thankful…when we aren’t thankful for the blessings we received from God…

I told myself, it’s either now or never ever. Is this a good advice? I am worried that I am just acting based on my impulse. And yet I am worried that I am just procrastinating. How do I strike a balance?

I can get obsessed with music. I can listen to the same song or music over and over again…until I can even play the tune of this piece…Obsession. That’s what I would be, when I really have the passion or the love. And perhaps, this is the greatest fear I have. I am just too extreme. Does this make sense?

We are just pilgrims in this world. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. What have I not been doing?

Mundane chores are just the reality. We couldn’t be walking in the rainbows daily, could we? But rainbow is the covenant that God has made with us. Thus, I should be…walking towards this rainbow…shouldn’t I?

And yes, I have always loved the rainbow 🌈 I still believe that our world is beautiful.

Oh. And all those dramas and movies I have watched. I am not exactly a romanticist…And I don’t really like romance either…But there are some that left a deep impression in my heart. Just like some people…Goblin and The Great Gatsby. To confess, I did fell asleep at some episodes of Goblin, and I did let the episodes run while I was busy with the Internet. Not exactly a fan of Kdrama rom-com or whatever genre that drama was. But Goblin did set me thinking. Just like the appearance of some people here and there… Now and then… I am aware of myself, that my thoughts do not necessarily resulted in me pipping it with actions. I don’t know. I just couldn’t. Or maybe, I just wouldn’t. The Great Gatsby was heart-wrenching at some parts. Or perhaps, it was bizarre 😂😂😂 But I think I love the cinematography of this set. To me, this is artistic.

Tell me, what is love? I have heard differing versions. I have seen differing versions. The most consistent version of love in human form is from a mother to a child (though I do see differing versions of this as well 😨). I have been too busy to notice that the last I really fell much for someone was 5-6 years ago. And despite some distractions in between the years, I didn’t want to pursue anything concrete. Do I really want anything concrete? What’s concrete, when feelings are just easily swayed? Regardless of the number of years you have known a person. Regardless of the tough times you have been through with a person. Regardless of the faith you share with the person. Regardless of the future you have promised to pursue together. Love should be concrete, shouldn’t it? And anything that is concrete can also be demolished, isn’t it so? With human technology. And which in this day and time, social media. But, is social media the only destructive factor? I would still think, it’s the wandering and lingering hearts…

Nope. I think it’s perfectly fine to develop feelings for another person. Be it whether one is single, attached, or married. We aren’t robots, how can we programme ourselves not to have feelings? The only grip comes from how we handle our feelings.

My friend asked me, was it the Japanese guy who made me realise about this…He’s like a poem. Poem in my bookmark. That’s the description I have for him. Some people talk a lot, and there’s no content. Some people hardly talk and so I hardly know them. Some people…are just like the words in the poem. Artistic intellectual.

But then, it’s just that. I rather this remains a beautiful memory, than letting the passion fizzles…

And subsequently, I am just too busy…too busy catching up with my own self, to get my #metime, my sanity. I cherish my freedom a lot. One thing I cannot reconcile, is having to lose my freedom. I can’t, and I have to remind myself about this. Freedom is a precious commodity to me. Just like time.

And yes, I run away when I sense I am losing my freedom…I never know how to put these into words. But that’s me. I am unable to stay within a cage. I need to hop around. I need the freedom to run to the places and people I love. I need my space. I don’t want to end up grousing, and whining about not having enough of what I want. I don’t want to feel obliged to the other person, even if I love this person, I want to be a cheerful giver, I don’t want to be doing things just because I am in that position…

For the one who has tried to touch me with his mindful heart, I am thankful that things have ended. For there’s nothing I can really reciprocate from my part. I have seen it coming, just as what has happened earlier…way before this. I just cannot reciprocate.

Maybe people will say I am just being ungrateful, discontented etc. Whatever. My decision is always clear. I can’t be reciprocating whatever that comes along.

And so. I think, it’s indeed good to have my me-time.

Currently, I’m listening to this song by Lana Del Rey. Not hard to guess which particular song it is. Just that this song reminds me so much of a friend I used to have…who always pursues love. And were those loves after all?…If those were loves, there’s no need to be jealous at all. If those were loves, there’s no need to compete at all. I wish…this friend understood this. And now, oh well, I have to handle yet another one…Just because of some unresolved feelings from the past?…I am the innocent one. As usual. I did nothing. And to me, it’s nonsensical competition. If the person chose me in the past, it wasn’t me who wanted to be chosen from the start. If the person is still nice to me, it isn’t me who wants this person to still be nice to me…I don’t know how to explain.

Hard to say Goodbye?
…when we don’t ever get to see each other in this lifetime…

☁☁☁☁☁🌄🌄🌅🌅🌇🌇🌆🌆🌃🌃🌌🌌🌏🌏🌏🌏🌏