Sheer baby blue top from H&M

It’s the baby blue. I love this color. Along with copper bronze…

This is my 3rd top/dress with the ribbon thingy. My obsession? 🙂 I’ve always loved ANA style. It’s super nice. Hahaha, frivolous but who cares?

I’m so amazed with myself. Despite having steak for lunch, and a complete meal, I actually felt hungry just barely 2hours later. What am I? A hungry hippo??? I’m so famished. And we actually had chilli crabs yesterday and chicken and sorts…well-fed but still hungry? I must be crazy! A laughable thought, my metabolism rate is still as high as ever. Strange? Is this in any way related to collagen production? I have no clue here. It worries me when I feel famished all too easily despite not being on any hunger strike.

And yes, I feel so damn sleepy! Especially this week. Perhaps my body understands that I have to rest…perhaps I’m not stimulated enough…argh! I really wonder, how do people survive with no intellectually stimulating work and conversation? What are their lives made up of? Normal warp mundane routines of complaining, whining, criticising, backstabbing about almost everyone else in their lives except themselves?? If that’s considered normal, I’m super elated to be abnormal. Life’s too short for me to be normal here. It’s better to be abnormal. Special? Unique? At least I know I won’t see so many replicates of myself. I don’t care about being in the norm. I don’t blink even if my decision seems to be abrupt and shocking. I strongly believe, as long as I like and believe in my intent, nothing and no one is gonna stop me from furthering it. The only problem here is I face plenty of distractions. Too many stuffs on my mind and too many things to account for. I really need a getaway. My personal me-time. I feel suffocated many times. I must be an oddball.

Time’s so precious to me, that I don’t want to give up my me-time. I need this sanity part.

With my peach oldie cardigan

Topped with a cardigan to make the halter look more decent. Thank God I don’t sweat much, else it’s indeed irritating wearing one.

Watched a movie earlier. The questions never fail to make me think…maybe in the past, I’ve never asked myself so. I just got distracted, disturbed and thereafter numbed myself to solve the case. It’s never a solution. It’s just tucking it away, never ever really addressing the root issue. Maybe I didn’t want to address any root issue. Maybe I just can’t be bothered about addressing it. But why? Why wasn’t I interested to address it and help to solve it? It’s my problem, isn’t it so?

I also don’t know. Now? I’ll still try my best to attain what I want to do, with plans…I have to be focused, after wasting an awfully huge amt of time, draining energy and finances as well. Time will fly, and because I recognize this so, life is transient to me. I recognize that time is fast, and eventually who knows,

The Happy Girl Tee

Recently I saw a scene which shocked me very much. I was very disturbed by this scene, and I couldn’t help but feel sad that this world is the way it is due to generations of parents, who are adults and kids in their own ways. You have a spoilt brat, you look at the parents. Usually one of them is the culprit. They may not be the outwardly ones, but subtlely all the little actions they did amounted to a mountain…they thought they are loving the kids deep deep with the insane nature of burying the hatchet and stuffing it with grass and sand. Just for the few years of comfort and ease they wanted in the early days, they unfortunately contributed greatly to the development of spoilt brats and craps. It’s easy to say things using the nicest words of all. Who can’t? It’s just a matter of their intent.

I remembered I watched these series of fairytales. They were hilarious. One particular scene depicted about the existence of a pig who was super super rich. And the big bad wolf wanted to eat up the 3 little pigs. The wolf failed to hook up with the first 2 pigs, because they had their own values and beliefs and couldn’t be bothered with the wolf. The last pig was the one who had quite a load, and so the wolf applied to her house and be her butler. As the wolf was interested only in her wealth, he figured the best way was to suck up to her and did everything she wanted. The hilarious part: He would whisper sweet nothing to her daily. He would whisper, ‘sweet nothing, sweet nothing’. Haha, this always cracked me up, because this wolf was super focused on his objective.

I enjoy a good conversation. I hate it when you talk just for the sake of filling in the empty bubbles. I don’t. And I won’t. So I would end up stoning if I don’t feel stimulated enough. It’s easy to be in autopilot mode. And I super hate it if people press me to do or say something I don’t like.

I’m very clear on this, I have no wish to be a kite. I am a horse who looks up to the birds in the sky. That’s where I find common points of interests and strengths.

I pray that time will fly because there are so many things I’m going to achieve by end of next year. In the past I gave myself half a year to achieve my task. That’s a smaller task. For the bigger ones, I’m abit ambitious, I want to achieve within 1 year. Possible???????

God, please lead the way!

Halter dress

I hardly have halter dress. I bought one or two a decade ago, and that’s about all. I usually would cover myself. Why? Because I felt cold most of the time then, I didn’t have enough fats to burn to generate heat. Now? I have, haha, I’ve eaten so much that I have ballooned. But then, maybe I should watch my diet soon. To stay healthy and be free from diabetes and high blood pressure. Next year, my jogging rounds will kick in. Have more fruits and vegetables and beefy beef. And red wine! and salmon and sake! 🙂 I’ll heed my dear friend’s advice, to take more of the steamed stuff. I do like the steamed stuff. Why wouldn’t I?

Sometimes I’m amazed at how well I’m able to store something new away and really not wear it or use it, till one day when I’m ready. It’s the same in most aspects of my life. I’m not a blabbermouth, and I enjoy quietness. I really don’t mind living on an island I suppose. Or maybe, for people I can’t stand, even the slightest sound they make is deafening and irritating enough. Whereas for people I love, the constant nagging and the sudden absence of it will make me break…

Am I getting emo more often? Perhaps the darkness has brought my emo to light. Because I experience love in a deeper way. And my feelings are just like the waves at the Gulf. I’m very grateful to everyone, who has in one way or another, helped me to love. If I have never loved, I would have never know…the extent of depth it could be…and the emotions overwhelmed my thoughts. My logical thoughts. And they are just so strong…

Am I scared? Yes, I’m scared of myself. For being in touch with feelings. But this is good, now I feel more alive, instead of like a zombie on drugs for the dark decade. I made myself into a zombie and when I realised I could love, I numbed myself…that’s bad. I cringed whenever I thought of that. I knew I was happier when I realised I could love, but I had to numb myself due to certain circumstances. Wasn’t I stupid to just refuse to respond thereafter? And now whenever I watch V the alien show, I would just keep thinking…ya, just like whenever I watch Spiderman, the face would appear back again. However…looking forward, I don’t think it’s a bad move on my part…because that seems close, but still not close enough to what I really want after all. I’m highly attuned to voices…I love certain types of voices. I don’t know why, but that just melts me. Ok, doesn’t this sound crap??? I can remember voices much better than faces! Hahaha. Up till now, I still can remember the voices. So far, 4 types of voices melt my heart, it really takes my breath away…and I hate squeaky ones. Absolutely. I also dislike naggy ones. With the exception of one, who really has my well-being at heart.

Amazing right? The gentle caring voice, the tender thoughtful one, the thinking intellectual voice…the neutral just plain delightful melodious tone of a particular person. Sounds always strike a chord in my heart. I remember voices best. And hence I remember all words, the choice of words and the tones being used. It’s not a conscious one, it’s just part of me. Maybe that’s why I prefer to have deafening silence when possible. I enjoy having a quiet heart. That’s why I can feel very irritated when my peace and quietness are being intruded. I don’t understand why some people just don’t understand about the meaning of ‘me-time’. I really need plenty amount of me-time. And this amount seems to be rather scary in the eyes or hearts of some people. I do wonder…don’t they need me-time too?

Oh well, people are wired differently. I’m a me-time person…I’m not willing to part my time for one who doesn’t understand this concept.

Just let me do my things, let me take my time…and I’ll be so happy and thankful to you!

Mix and match with fruits: Mango and Orange

Mango and orange.

Both are fruits. One is more common than the other, and hence it costs lesser. The former is a fruit which is not as widely available, and commands a higher price. Why is it that orange which provides us more Vit C, doesn’t cost as much as a mango? Shall we say that orange is the popular fruit as many people are buying, compared to mango?

Think…Vit C is beneficial for people. Of coz they would buy. Why not? It’s cheaper anyway. And since it’s so widely and easily available, why not get it?

Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that orange is the favourite fruit of most people. It’s just a case of making use of something to benefit oneself without really liking it.

I think, it’s truly a blessing to love. I feel so happy to love and to think for the other party. Maybe I’m naive, these days people love others for a particular reason eg. money. But I still love neverthelessly…because hahaha, I don’t have money! That’s what one of my friends mentioned to me, when she’s finally settling down again with someone. We are very sure, that he’s the one. Because in the first place, my friend has no money! and so we are super duper sure it’s not because of money. As for the sex part, haha, that’s enjoyable when one knows how to perform fantastically, especially the guy. We concluded, if anyone needs to pay money for sex, it gotta be a great one. Well, who’s paying for sex? Ssshhh…there are some cheapo ones around…free trade. Rather than paying for a pro, they might as well stop their ONS and have a regular FB. How regular? Interestingly, the FB on the other hand thought that she’s the only regular one??? I think, it’s perfectly alright for her to have a FB. Some people just need some kind of release in this way, because that’s the only way they could think of. Shall we term them ‘bird-brain’? I love this word. It makes plenty of sense.

Unfortunately…she finds herself diving deeper while the FB finds himself other regulars apart from her. It’s a reality tv. It’s entertaining, given the fact that most of the shows screened here are mostly boring to the core. I love to watch reality tv.

It’s a blessing to love someone, knowing that I love not because of the needs part. It’s a blessing to love, because it’s liberating and I love to tell God I love!

It’s a blessing to be loved by someone…only when I know that I have absolutely no money to be loved…it really takes the heart of a good soul to love beyond. And I treasure a good soul.

At least, now I don’t live in the fear of, what if one day I outlive my usefulness?

It’s a liberating happiness in my soul.

The trench or military style

I wore this and at the end of the day, someone asked me, wah new dress? New…considering the fact that I got this while i was in pain which was almost half a year ago. But people, some with birdbrain thought that I was just cooking it up. That’s interestingly evil-hearted. Anyway, it’s not the first time, I’ve seen it too much in one. And to say such a thing with regards to what happened to me, I’m glad because it clearly reveals the truth of pretentious nature.

My friend showed me this article and boomz…the certain passage about him staying by her side, made me cry…silly me, I cried too when I watched Yasmeen Ahmad’s works. But then my friend summed it up well, that he didn’t mind just crying it out…because he felt better after that. Strangely, for someone like me, how did I manage to turn the tap on? I must have been too touched, or someone must have known the button in my heart…

We are who we are because we allow ourselves to think we are that. I have had good times in my studies and I know I will always enjoy the intellectual conversations and debates of the mind. With my close friends, we can talk about anything, and help one another to discover more about ourselves and work upon ourselves. That, I think, is the process of good friendships and bonds. Relationships in life can be easily attainable if you view them as networking in social settings. They may be sustainable over the years, as long as both or more parties provide benefits to the circle. But is that what I want? Nope. I value quality bonding. I don’t like the new-age term of ‘networking’. It really devalues the quality of relationships among people. If it’s all about networking, aren’t we just using people for own benefits? It’s amazing to see people these days having no qualms in attaining networking of all means. And this is not restricted to just friends. All are considered tools to them.

Ya right, more often than not, when I spend time with someone just due to networking, I end up feeling so bad about myself, because I could have used my time for something better! But then thank God, He has blessed me with good friends…that spending time isn’t much of an issue to me…because time flies with these friends!

I made it, YES!

I managed to save a considerable sum of money by doing research and planning. I’m so happy now. Ok, I’ve been happy on and off, despite the existence of crappy or weirdoes around. I thank God for my sane friends. 🙂 Haha, maybe they are just as gila as me! Yeah yeah!

Polka dots dress with frills

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From Cotton On.

Maybe i look fatter these days? I’ve been eating so much and enjoying food almost daily…hahaha, i really think, it’s a release from my prison. Prison Break. I’m very glad, because i don’t want to deny myself of food that i enjoy. I can’t imagine, my darker days were spent eating food hidden…just because someone felt sore with every chance or luck i had with food and people. Don’t understand such mentality. Now? Well, i can’t be bothered. Haha, as long as i get to eat nice and yummilicious good food, i’m simply happy!

Cars. A luxury or a necessity in life?

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I feel extremely irritated with people who think they’re better than others just coz they own certain types or brands of items. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in loving and owning the goods. It’s the intent behind it. If you use it for showy purposes, to flaunt your live and to alleviate your super low self esteem, i think that’s pathetic life to begin and end off with. Busy chasing after things in life, just because you don’t want to be left out in the race. I really don’t understand. But well, maybe i’ve never met up with a worthy cause and a worthy competitor before, hence i don’t have any understanding about the ‘competitive’ mindset. Yz’s advice works the best, let them think they win, it’s fine, just treat it as charity…

It’s interesting how conversations with some people make you feel super connected…it’s the telepathic thing haha. I notice a vast difference here. With horrible dark warp-minded people, i can only wonder, what’s wrong with the wall? Anyway, i can’t be bothered to hack the wall, save my effort, conserve my energy. Had a super good conversation just now, and i think, it’s interesting how hearts and minds can really connect. We all do know about the phrase, ‘birds of a feather flock together’. I’m happy and excited to flock with people i love! Looking foward to all…the liberating freedom and happiness. And i have no wish to relinquish it. I feel irritated when people try to infiltrate…how do i say the word non-commitment in a nicer tone? Do they understand the basis of this term??? I hate to be super-glue, even as a couple, i find that the personal breathing space is super important to me. Super important for me-time. Alas, many don’t find it so, and loss of freedom is not something i enjoy very much. I hate to be controlled. And i don’t like to be questioned. The worst, giving a report…i can really say, bye once and for all.

So if you think you have a nice car or a nice house and that gives you the privilege to bind people to you….well, go ahead and bind them to you. I’m happier galloping as a horse, enjoying the wind, smelling the flowers….at the back of my heart…i miss twinkle stars…but i’ve simply too many stuffs to handle. Maybe my brain is slow, ya, it’s dense and i’m not a bright one, just an ugly and selfish one here…haha…i still prefer, one step at a time. But then, who knows? Those who thought they know me in and out coz of the so-called years of years…that’ll be the huge shock. Anyway, i’m a big bad ugly overweight wolf. Since i’m a wolf, then i shall be a heck-care wolf. 

I don’t mind…as one friend described it as ‘shockenlingum’ hahaha, what weird language is it? I don’t know but i am lovin’ it!