Drowning in Blue Black

Black skirt
Greyish blue top
Navy blue cardigan
Vintage necklace

Drowning in blues and blacks. I hate this, in Spring. I am a Spring person, hence being in dark colors isn’t my cup of tea. I wish I can stop this. But my heart and mind are fighting. I don’t like this.

It’s the waiting time that I dislike so much. I am a patient person, but that doesn’t mean that my patience can be stretched beyond limits. There will be a day, when I am decided that, this is it.

Sigh.

I don’t understand about competition. Does that give people a high feeling? I always think that it should be more for the love than solely about winning or owning. Maybe I can never understand such mentality that’s so different from mine, so different from the way I’ve been brought up with. I don’t like to compete. If I’m ever in a competition, that’s because I enjoy the activity, rather than the so-called prestige or hunger of it.

Most people prefer the latter two. Me? I would see myself as odd then. Sometimes, I’m just so tired. To me, whatever you want to think, so be it. So be it. I don’t like to talk, explain and convince. So what if you win? So what if I lose? So what if you lose? So what if I win?

Does it really matter???

I realise, people only have power over you when you mind about win or lose. That’s what I see when I have bickers with my mum at nonsensical issues. When I stopped, hey presto! She lost control of me! Well, sometimes I do engage in competition struggles just to piss some off and see their reaction. It’s very funny to observe people’s reactions. I like to be an observer. No, no, I am not as sneaky as a Scorpio who views others as prey. I just like to observe…I see myself more like the Snow Owl ๐Ÿ™‚

Yeah, what a quiet me-time I have! Finally! I really can get crazy if I lack me-time. I need plenty of me-time for the coming month. I think, I am selfish in this area. I am not willing to share my time. I cannot be too soft on this, I want it to be my time.

Ok, I think I can be very hard and bent about this.

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚

Nice cotton dress from Mango

Oh my goodness! I looked so FAT!!!!
I think I’m ballooning. I no longer fit into my usual UK size anymore. I’m expanding! O_o

If only this world is much simpler. Unfortunately, not so.
If only people are much kinder.
Unfortunately, not so.
I think, it’s better for the world to end at a specific time. Perhaps together on that predicted date of 2012. It would be better this way. As opposed to seeing the continuation of rotting and degeneration of the society. It’s so sick.
Our society has not advanced. In fact, it has retreated. How much different are we from the Japanese who committed the Nanking Massacre????? Who are we to condemn the soldiers who had lived their lives respecting their Emperor and His commandments to the core????? Are we really any much better?????
Seriously, if the tables were to be turned around, would the people not do the same to them?????
The whole climate is so dirty. The pot calling the kettle black. While one has committed the atrocity, the other has not, but that doesn’t mean the other wouldn’t commit it if being placed in similar situation. The way I see it now, I just see some light. While I don’t condone what was done to Nanking, I am definitely not quick and blindly in criticising. There are several misgivings I have. I feel very sad.

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚

Adding a brooch to my dark combination

A brooch works wonders! Now I see, that’s what my black jacket lacks. Glad that I bought this brooch more than a year ago, and now, just nice for the pairing ๐Ÿ™‚

I am not exactly a dark-coloured coded person. To wear dark colours isn’t really me…hence I still find it strange. After so many years of light and bright ones! I think strong colours are fine, but not dark dark colours like simply black and simply dark grey and simply deep blue…I just cannot accept…!

Well, that’s me. My nature is not dark. I am not that bright either. Oops, hahaha, I am bright, but not bright in the lighter sense, catch my drift???

I definitely think, it’s much better for me to just tell people I am not having a good time, days are lousy, all shitty stuff. People seem to take it better when they hear that you are having a much lousier time than them. Strangely enough, right?

Well for me, if that pleases someone, I will just say it. Since I can’t really be bothered with people who aren’t close to me in the first place. Why should I give them a part of me that’s the happy me? I leave my best for people who are good. The rest? All down the drain, I don’t mind making them feel good.

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚

After 5 years of deliberation, I finally took the step!

I wonder, whether anyone else will take that long a time to decide…on a purchase.

I think most prob, there isn’t anyone out here who takes that long as me. These days most often than not, people want fast deal, fast meal, and fast feel. ME? I am as slow as a snail. Good luck to the one who wants me to make snap decision. Most likely, I will snap at such person. Why? I live by this principle, I rather I live my life by my decision, than according to yours. And with that, my decision can be seen as unwise and foolish by many. Because, no one pretty much knows about my plan leading to my decision until the very moment I execute it. And by then, I would have given the plan with thoughts till death. LOL I think I mentioned this just a couple of days ago.

I am not an impulsive person. Basically, I don’t act according to my feeling at that moment in time. Yes, true, no doubt I may like you very much at that moment in time, but I won’t act upon anything because I have to determine for myself, what type of like i have for you. Once in a lifetime kind? Once in every year kind? Once in each while kind? What’s the possibility of such frequency of occurrence?

LOL. Strange woman. Hahaha! I think I am too logical till to the extent of exuding the coldness of ice. Oh well, I am not the nurturing type, unfortunately. I can never be a counsellor. Never. I can never be a social worker. Never. That’s why i didn’t want to be a social worker. Not because of the pay definitely. I am not mercenary in this sense. I have great respect for social workers. It takes only certain people to apply for the post of social worker, as opposed to, let’s say, financial system analyser whatsoever.

This day (21 Apr 2012) is the day I finally took the step. After 5 years of deliberation. I am a late bloomer. 5 years. Why did I take such a long time?! Because I didn’t want to act upon the feelings I had initially. I tend to have plenty of ‘love at first sight(s)’, and I believe in love at first sight…so…I always tell myself, I have to resist at first instant.

Some people think the way I think is crap. Actually, it’s easy for me to just merge with whatever these people think. However, a big part of me grows up with my grandma ‘Teochew’ virtue, hence I just can’t sell my soul away. It’s hard for me to wear a mask on my sleeve. I might as well change my facial features, change the very core of me myself the one I’ve been looking at since don’t know when… ๐Ÿ™‚

So happy ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰
Since I’ve deliberated for THAT long a time, I know that’s really what I want. After all ๐Ÿ™‚

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Pink floral scarf from F21
Striped grey top from Uniqlo
Inner slip dress from a shop in Nex
Cream covered heels with ribbon shoe lace detail from Taipei (sale at an atas mall) **************************

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚

Top and Bottom: Out of town

Stifling. Does anyone know how it feels?
Senseless. Does anyone know its exact meaning?
Hopeless. Does anyone see the light for it?

It’s easy to cover both eyes and not see. When you choose not to see, you don’t feel much either. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of heart, out of love.

Very unfortunately for me, my heart choose to love, my eyes choose to see, my mind choose to think. I am not a zombie. Very unfortunately for me.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself, if I have been born with a lesser intellectual self, things could be much better. For I can just live without observation, live without processing, live without analysing. And with that less observation, less progressive thoughts, less analytical mind, things could be so much better.

Why would somebody just hate everybody?
Why would somebody just want to compete with everybody?
At the end of the day, would this somebody feel happy forever? Would this somebody wins everybody forever?

Isn’t that a tiring process?…

To keep disliking people, finding fault with people, comparing with everyone else?

I am super lazy. If one chooses to see me in this way, I am lazy indeed. To dislike people is tiring. To find fault with people is akin to me finding a needle in the haystack. To compare with one another is akin to always a need to be out in the open for scrutiny. So tiring. Bottom line: I don’t like the feeling of tiredness. In things I don’t give a damn to.

I am not perfect. I have my fair share of dislikes for people. Actually, to be on my list is quite a privilege, for that would mean I have already given that person thousands of chances. Chances equate to attention. Haha!

ๆˆ‘ๆ˜ฏไธ€ไธชๅพˆไผš่ฎฐไป‡็š„ไบบ. Why? Because I don’t have many people whom I dislike, hence I can remember all the items about that person I dislike. I’ve enough of people who like to start with saying things like ‘I’m a changed person’, ‘No longer the same’ blah blah blah. Nothing can ever change a lousy-hearted person to a fantastic-hearted person, unless he/she encounters a life-and-death situation. Anything else, I term it as lip service. Why can’t say that? Is that so difficult???

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚

Old piece of Mango

Had this piece of Mango top for many years. This top brought me back to one particular memory. I wore this top to a place. And I thought we had quite good moments together back then. Little did I know, ๅŽŸๆฅๆœ‰ไธ€ไบ›ไบบ๏ผŒๅฐฑๆ˜ฏ่ฟ™ไนˆๅƒไธ่ตท่‹ฆ๏ผŒๅฐฑๆ˜ฏ่ฟ™ไนˆๅธŒๆœ›ไธ€ๅŠณๆฐธ้€ธใ€‚

What’s wrong with these people? Seriously, I don’t know. Just like I don’t know why some people just dislike everyone around, why some people just don’t want to have friends, why some people just want to cheat everyone around them, why some people just like to play certain games…the list can go on.

On certain days, I would have epiphany. BUT if I were to act upon my emotions at that point of time, I would be left with much deep regrets. I shared with someone, that for me to decide on something and pursue that something, I would have already given it tons of deep thoughts in my mind. I may be viewed as someone who’s impulsive. Even I myself also have this misinterpretation as well. For I ‘switched’ and ‘acted’ in a swift. Well, for me to switch and act upon my decision, I would have given it my utmost thought to death. Such process makes me so sick of myself as well. For I do ask myself, ‘why can’t I just be spontaneous?’ What’ is the point of thinking so much?

I cannot allow myself not to think. In my life so far, I’ve been brought up well in the way to always care and think for others. Notably others as my loved ones (those I’ve chosen to be close to). Some took advantage of my nature. Some were very nice, told me to think more of myself and not them. Some were selfish. Well, the list can still goes on…I better stop chanting for now ๐Ÿ™‚

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚

An off-white soft top from New Look

I really must say, I like UK’s New Look in UK itself. Not really so in Singapore. Would like and hope to go to UK soon enough. Again. Maybe Scotland again. To be in that so-called quiet land which someone ever remarked to me that I would be bored to death in the long run. I won’t. Just as much as I enjoy the serenity of Hokkaido, without the blaring distractions of Tokyo, I’m contented enough just to see the sheep roaming and grazing the field, the mountains echoing my inner thoughts. I often wonder why people will make such a remark. Is that ‘them’ to begin with? Somehow, I’ve never known them. And I should put my hands together, be thankful that I’ve never even put in much effort to really know them. Ok, I’m a very straightforward person. I don’t like you, you should know it. I can’t and won’t hide from my face. If I do smile at you in this instance, it’s mostly for you to catch it that yes, I’m giving you that fake smile. My eyes don’t smile when I’m fake. It’s a whole universal truth, that doesn’t just apply to me.

Am I being too harsh? I don’t like nonsense. And I have very low tolerance for nonsense. I don’t mind having effective communication, but not when it’s actually just a show-down time. It’s not the first, and neither would it be the last.

Yes, I am just that. Plain straight in the face, I can’t hide my emotions. Even the young ones can be pretty appalled by me. But once I tell them my exact meaning for the way I respond, they get it, and hey, people do appreciate you for being real and strong. In short, emoting is not my cuppa tea. I feel it, you see it.

Off-white top is so much easier to wear than pure white. This top is not my conventional top, I had to get it because my chiffon top was gathering fluff balls while I was out one day. Super upset. But well, some things are just meant to be in this way. Isn’t it so? I’ll try to see what I can do about it…maybe this June? Hmmmm…..

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚

Chasing after rainbows

What are people chasing?……
Chasing after power, fame, money etc?
I think I am of those privileged few or underprivileged few who isn’t such, and I’m extremely thankful as well that my friends and I are of similar wavelength. Why am I thankful? Because God has guided me well, blessing me with friends who are very blessed by the Almighty as well ๐Ÿ™‚

There are times when I feel lost as well. So confused by the distractions of this world. To a point that even the very meaningful thing in my life means nothing anymore. That’s when the low point sets in. That’s when my friends show me, their existence mark a great difference to me.

Chasing after rainbows? No, I didn’t do this as well. But God has been very kind enough to allow me to see rainbows both metaphorically and physically in my life many many times. These are often sudden appearances, delight me, and they appear at the appropriate time ๐Ÿ™‚

I think it’s exciting enough for me. I am glad and thankful that my friends have all been so positive. Their encouragement really help me a lot. And of coz not forgetting my dear close ones. Similar wavelength! Whenever I think of them, it brings smiles to my face…for I am reminded of God’s faithfulness to my prayer of 3 decades. 3 decades!!!!!!!!! Even me myself finds this unbelievable at times. Well, the very truth I know is, I’ve never ever doubted God for a split second that He isn’t going to answer my prayer. I just believe that He will answer this prayer, according to His time, simply that! Simple ๐Ÿ™‚

Of coz, there are just too many other prayers that He has answered. (I only request God for prayers with regards to matters that matter a great deal to me, not any other ‘cares of this world’ matter) He knows I am a simple person. Though there are some people who don’t think I am simple, God knows me exactly. I don’t chase after other things apart from rainbows…birds LOL…sunflowers…snow…

People may think I am a goondu, okay, I am one. Does this matter to me?

Oops, my pic reflected a fatter me. Ya with pork belly LOL. Does this matter to me?

๐Ÿ™‚

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚

Rock =D

A very rock version of myself.
Bottom skinny and Peace necklace from Cotton On.
OMGoodness! I can fit into a skinny, I can’t believe it! I’ve been trying to do so … Once 2 years ago…and I thought that I couldn’t fit into one! Well, I can! LOL

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I kind of get bored. Restless?
It’s not like I don’t have anything to do. I have 1001 things to do. But what am I doing? Or thinking?!

Just completed a package last week. Great. Finally done with it. Now I can just revert to my specialist.

Doc’s report wasn’t very positive. But he said there’s no need for me to go through surgery at this moment in time. Worrying doesn’t help, I suppose…I have to check out the alternatives and decide which is the best. Alter my routine perhaps?

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Certain things I missed. Certain incidents I remembered. Certain emotions I had. Certain times I lost.

I adopt my stand. Obstinately.
Close ones find it funny and strange of me. Why can’t I handle all things concurrently? Well, I just can’t. And I don’t want. It really doesn’t matter to me much, only to serve as a form of distraction. Apart from that, I don’t equate it to anything else. Yes, I’m a stone. This is the way I am, I can’t change my original personality. There’s no way.

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If the snow flakes are falling……
I really wish that I don’t hear the thunder and see the lightning. If the flowers are blooming……
I really wish that I don’t see the barren trees and dying leaves. …….That again, where do I belong? Where does my heart belong?……

My life with dreams, love and family ๐Ÿ™‚