Growing and Glowing


I am a tough nut to crack.
I may be crazily loyal, yet insanely fixated upon issues that dealt with my values and beliefs in life.
Sometimes, I feel that the world has been spinning around me, and I am the one who has not moved a single bit. Does this sound good at all?

My heart pains for the issues I hold onto dearly. But why do I keep encountering moments when I feel as if I am nothing but the biggest fool of this world? Are all men greedy and fend only for themselves?

Perhaps I should not try to think anything for the world, for people around me, for the future. It should be a good feeling to just amass what I desire and not care a hoot about the future that I am going to be in. It should be a great feeling, shouldn’t it?

There must be a reason why God allows me to see this. And the reason is definitely a good purpose in the end. I have no doubt. Just that at this point of time, I am unable to see anything much. It’s a blurry vision for me, and I have no knowledge as to where I should start. Maybe that’s why I am utterly upset at this moment in time. I should not be thinking too much for others. What about myself? Can’t I just throw my values and beliefs away? Can’t I evolve to a stage where I don’t even recognise myself anymore?

It’s simply a switch of perspectives. Isn’t it so? Be a villain, an angel, a Machiavellian. Is this so difficult???

I have many thoughts. Do I have to act upon all?

Was watching something, and realised that 2002 was a whooping 13 years ago. Seriously, I don’t remember anything much of Year 2002. It’s a nice number though, a mirror image of digits. Well, regardless of whether I remember those days, I am in the present, so my question to myself: Have I grown? Have I glowed?


I believe…Hidden Agenda


I believe that our actions denote our real heart. It’s hard to do things opposed to how we feel/think, because that would require special efforts on our part. Such special efforts can be a drain to our energy, and not everyone can keep up with such. Over the days, the fox’s tail is being revealed, slowly yet surely. Haven’t we heard of this phrase “日久见人心”?

I gave a decade of chances for some people to prove me wrong. I am fine with the decade gone, because it honed my skills of detecting such people. When I first heard people uttering someone as being childish, I thought to myself, yes indeed, there are many people much kinder and soft-hearted than me. It’s not a matter of whether there are two sides to a coin. Basically, I don’t like to waste my time by going in circles and having people to play the game of rounders. I may entertain you for the first round, thereafter I don’t give a damn. I don’t think we are in kindergarten, or little play groups where we are still trying to get used to the socialisation norms.

Old habits die hard. If we never put a stop to it, we become part of the contributing factor to the eventual outcome. However, many refuse to see this fact. And this leads me to question, the Hidden Agenda.

How many are OK with people not liking them?
How many are constantly striving to be pleasing to others?
How many really do things because of joy in their heart for people?

The first group is a minority. Likewise for the last group. There are many in the middle group.

In all honesty, I believe that there is an overlap between the middle and the last group. The first group is usually being deemed by adjectives such as: arrogant, queer, obstinate, fierce, outcast, etc.

It’s not hard to know which group I belong to. Or perhaps some people refuse to believe that I would actually belong to this group since majority of the world should belong to the middle group. Oh ya, middle group rules the world? Seriously. And don’t trample on my happy nature, for I snap as sharply as what a laser would do.

Is Iron Man concerned about how he appeals to the world? I hope he doesn’t. It would be such a disappointment if he is just someone who is a mediocre. I like some badass, and definitely a hero who is not afraid of stating his stand for the cause he believes in. Is this too much to ask?


A quote that makes me un-Machiavellian


I have always been steering towards the mindset of Machiavelli, but that doesn’t mean I am without any struggle in the attempt to state my stand. Tough decisions have to be made at times, like it or not, we can’t be pleasing everyone. Look at the world around us. Not too sure whether it’s the same in other countries. But perhaps, let us look at our immediate surroundings. Maybe I’m being hypersensitive, overthinking, making a mountain out of molehill, but seriously, I observed that there are more negative than positive people around. I am very appalled, and also in shock. Are we really a mass of unhappy people out here? This thought makes me sad.

Just note about the driving habits of people. As you filter into the merging lane of an expressway, there are definitely instances of drivers who will speed up upon seeing your rear, block you from entering into his/her lane, thereafter pulling to a slow right in front of you. I asked myself, what’s wrong with such people? I can understand it if the driver is a speed rage right from the start, despite being ungracious. But the instance I brought up in this post seemed to be an indicative of someone who simply doesn’t want to lose out, and will try all ways to prevent others from being happier than them. OK, I may be overthinking. But I firmly believe, that miniscule behaviour such as this amounts to a big deal of a person’s character.

Also noted that there are very innocent and well-mannered people out here.

White vs Black

A white bear with black spots or a black bear with big white patches? For most things in life, there are two sides to a coin. However, the two sides ought to be consistent, shouldn’t they?

I realise that I cannot deal with people who are insecure. Perhaps I find it tiring to always reassure someone of my heartfelt feelings, up to a point whereby I begin to doubt myself whether my feelings are indeed heartfelt in the first place. The nightmare of having to toss and turn around with my own stand may eventually lead to resentment, because when I find it tiring, I get pissed off.

Well, it’s not as if I wouldn’t try. Why give up without trying, unless that isn’t what you really want in the first place? Not too sure how people see this, but perhaps as one (and others around them) also grows up mentally, we are quite insistent on what we want.

Being insistent on something does not equate to rudeness. We can always adjust our language and EQ accordingly. Only those who somehow are in the state of grandiosity will behave in a disrespectful manner. We see pharisee and such, don’t we? By God’s grace, I manage to see very clearly, right from the start. I don’t even suspect the person. You use the term ‘suspect’ only when you are unsure and cannot confirm. Why do I need to use the term ‘suspect’ when I have even shipped it away? Perhaps people are much too kinder. Yes, much kinder than me. My experiences have taught me to recognise a nutcase right from the start. And that’s when I was just a 19YO gal. I remembered the many chances I gave to that person for proving me wrong, showing me that pharisee only exists in the olden biblical times. But well, I know, pharisee exists at all times. Does that upset me? Once in a while. But I think the person is more in a torment. Thus the need to exhibit grandiosity?

I remember an older lady once told me, when a person tortures another, the person is actually in a greater torment than the one being tortured. Is it? How does that relate to the terrible atrocities committed in WWII by the Japanese? It’s hard to openly talk about this with the Japanese, as I believe they definitely do feel stranded in terms of their feelings. But by not talking about it, does it really help people to grow and learn from the experiences?

It will be nice to be like the pandas…sitting around, looking at the skies, lying on the back and simply…laze…