Distant memories

Why do I feel that this is like a distant memory to me, now?

It’s now April. But why do I feel as if many years have passed since Dec last year? Or rather, since my previous trip?

I wonder why. When I see the photos, they seem like distant memories to me. Why? Did I miss these places very much? Have I forgotten about the country I love?

Perhaps I haven’t been in touch with my feelings for long. Going on robotic motions day by day, plagued with the constant pain I am receiving each day. The problem is, the pain shifts and I can’t exactly identify the exact part. For it will be semi-different the next. Oh what…!

And because of the nagging shifting pain, I lost aplenty of feelings. Or I simply am like a zombie or a robot. Doing things. Systematically.

Or perhaps, I am chilling out. Oh haha!

There are things I am trying to make sense of. The things spoken to me. The things I encountered. The strange sense that I felt. I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand it either. And perhaps that’s why, distant memories floated back. Back to my JC days…

Those days were quite a blur to me. I only remembered I was down with chicken pox and had to quit from my holiday job and my dance troupe. The next I knew, I met a friend, who knew me more than I knew myself, who showered me with aplenty of care and concern. And especially time with me.

I missed that friend, for somehow, the friend was indeed very patient with me, and provided aplenty of support for me. In fact, I felt like a princess and was tended to, in all ways…

Not everyone gave me the same vibes as that friend of mine. And thus, I am confused. And I tried not to think. Perhaps my distant memories are better. And I can just dwell in them. But in life, as long as we are still up and about, every day shall become a memory. 

Some people have kind words for you. Some people have sugar-coated ones for you. Some simply have weird words for you. Duh. I try not to let it remain too much in my head, but it’s kind of difficult too, when you keep having such encounters. I try not to be affected. But why wouldn’t I think upon what’s being said? And…what I actually felt?…

I want to take a good walk with my good friend. It’s a walk long overdue. I can’t keep walking and hearing just myself. Or some weirdos. 

Perhaps I may get to a point, when I doubt what were being said to me and what I encountered. How does one differentiate from the reality and a dream? By pinching oneself? … 😄

Actually, if nothing was being said, at that point, I won’t be confused. And I won’t even notice. I am just … a zombie?… I hardly feel. I wouldn’t even think. I don’t know, but perhaps psychologically I usually psycho-ed myself into oblivion and it’s easier for me to do my stuffs. Until someone must have been so frustrated with me – and has to make me see…feel…think.

Maybe I have heard wrongly.

Maybe it was just a normal sensation.

Maybe this was just because.

To me, I prefer outwardly forthcoming rather than discreet…at least I can laugh and joke at the former…I couldn’t make sense of the latter…

And with that, is the reason why my distant memories came floating back…it bears much similarities. My JC friend.

Well in time to come, this shall become a distant memory… … … … …