Autumn scarf reminds me of the autumn in Hokkaido

The autumn in Hokkaido remains forever a special time in my mind. I’ll never forget the trips to view the lake, the smokey mountains, the wonderful gardens, the nature walks. I was very happy there. Having to return here is always a dread. From Japan. I have plenty of wonderful memories of her, her people, and her land. Whenever I think of going to another country, I would use her as a basis of comparison. It’s not fair I know. I like her so much that most countries pale in comparison despite being exciting as well. I’m as obstinate as a mule. My mind is just so entrenched with my likes and dislikes. How does one forget about things, places and people one loves so much????? I just can’t get Japan out of my mind. Really regretted not going there much earlier. If I had, I wouldn’t even have had started on anything here. Because, I know, where I belong, my heart and my soul.

Taiwan is a wonderful country as well. In many ways, she reminds me of the country I love so much. Cultured, civilized, good mannerisms ……

Perhaps that’s also the reason why Beijing and Shenzhen differ so much. Just like HK and Taiwan.

Would we also have the four seasons eventually? I believe so. Just that it may not be during my lifetime here. What does winter signify? It’s sad to see the trees without leaves…but there’s a time for everything. God makes it a cycle. The cycle of life. One round. It’s a round. I love kids alot. Just that the thought of going a ROUND is enough to make me concentrate on my other goals in life. I’m suffocating for time and personal space. I need lots. I’m a queer fellow, maybe at least for now. I like to be quiet. And enjoy the silence. I don’t think that silence is deafening to me. The enjoyment is fantastic, just like two decades ago I enjoyed it by just lying on the wooden bench by the wooden pavilion by the sea……such encounters are fantastic to me and I cherish them…such moments.

Someone once commented that I wouldn’t be able to live in such state of quietness as that would be terribly boring in the long run. I guess, this statement had outrightly highlighted the grand difference between the someone and me. Total mismatch. Different goals and thoughts of life. To me, the perfect place would be in the farm, tending to the animals and out in the fields. Against the background of the mountains and the rivers…that’s haven to me. I just don’t want to see skyscrapers, neon bright lights, loud music, mindless chatters…that’s why I don’t like the sights of Tokyo and HK. Too cramped and too many tall buildings all around. I have claustrophobia. However, if they do retain more of their traditional buildings, then it helps pretty much…a cross of old and new 🙂

I think, one of the benefits of being happy is, one would look younger…hahaha…so happy that the driver said I looked no more than 30. Must be due to the fact that i adhere to this motto: Happiness is a choice. Or rather, I’m more Ah-Q than most…nut-loose….. 🙂

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In blues…feeling blue…(Mood and clothes)

Lift door opened. A lady outside said to me, sorry you go ahead. Hurried footsteps were heard. I pressed the OPEN button once, for the lady and her counterpart to make it to the lift. Upon entering the lift, her counterpart a Caucasian smiled at me and said, ごめんあ さい. I tried to suppress my surprise and smiled back as usual. Somehow I realized, somethings are just better left unclarified…if even the Japanese themselves find me Japanese, what more can I say to clarify my ethnicity?

Anyway, none of my relatives from the maternal side looks like Oriental Chinese either. They actually look more mixed Angmoh-Manchu instead. Most of them have nice noses. I don’t remember anyone of them having flat noses. And they are super fair! The men are talented in both music and art. The ladies are good with their embroidery skills. They aren’t loud people, though I wouldn’t say the same for the ones they partner themselves with. It’s unfortunate when we cross-breed. Contamination of the genes. Especially so when the differences are just that great.

Big frills top from Isetan

I like cold days but not rainy days. I don’t like to use umbrella. But wearing rain jackets and rain boots are fine 🙂 If only we have the various seasons here. But anyway, so what if we have? My heart is not here and will never ever be here. It’s not about my family and friends. I have many loved ones here. But just that, this place just isn’t the one for me. It’s a haven for many. But not for me. Clash of eight characters. I like people who are well-mannered, well-cultured, speak gently, civilized, … I like people with grace and poise. I like to surround myself with good thoughts and actions of others and myself. I don’t like a world comprising of negative and boorish people, selfish and mercenary hearts thinking of only themselves, their wants their likes their whims and fancies their dark thoughts. I don’t like such thoughts such world such life. Now I know why I was attracted to TP-kun in the past. That cultured grace…! Of a scholar! Wahahaha…people who speak with scholastic intelligence and poetic lines…just like Y-san. I fall for voices. Hahahaha…!

It’s such a good feel to be in a country I feel so at ease. Both Japan and Taiwan. I love these two countries alot. I’ve and am decided. HK is not a place for me. Never would be, though the food is nice and transport is convenient as well. I must have looked local in Taiwan that people come asking me for directions. And hahaha, I’m able to answer their queries for most 🙂 I always like to move around, explore, commuting in the local way. Don’t like the terrible idea of being on tour bus, being hurried here and there, lose all enjoyments of leisure sights. I can be at one particular place for a very long time, just doing nothing much. Why? In this way, I can remember that particular feeling for very long…….just like how I can still remember my days in Japan, Hong Kong, Paris, London, Birmingham, Scotland,……I don’t have much memories of Thailand, Malaysia and Macau unfortunately. I do like the countries but while I was there, I wasn’t given the opportunity to take my own sweet time. Some people think if you spend the whole day doing nothing much there you are wasting your money. To me, I’m wasting my money if I can’t remember the feeling and sight. I care for ‘that moment in time’. It matters alot to me. Hence I don’t like to be hurried. I expect myself to absorb the sensations and feelings of that moment. I like to take my own sweet time. Just……..own……..sweet…….time…….no………hurry…….. (^_^)!

This is fun. This is so liberating. I’m not for excitement, but I find thrills in this. What do I really like? Maybe I’ve yet to really realize. But I know what I do not like. That’s an absolute.

To say the truth, I just like things simple. Sit in front of the river, just resting on the wooden bench, watching the birds flying, the clouds drifting by……hearing the sounds of insects……all these are sufficient for me. No, they don’t bore me. I find it serenity for me. I’ve done that, and I love such feelings. It’s good for my heart and soul. That’s why, I don’t like loudness. Loud voice, loud tv sounds, loud music (though I do love some rock music)…

I felt more for the Edo period than the Meiji period. Why? Don’t know. Would hope to go to the castle in Nara or Kyoto again……feel at home. Okie, I should really give that room the tatami feel. Actually, i’ve been wanting to even install that door. Sounds silly? But seriously, that sounds home to me! As homely as the cottage feel 🙂 as homely as the Nihon feel…

The feeling of home……to be in exactly as according to how I’ve felt for my home………Thankful…….. 🙂

This is THE type!

A friend commented that I’m attracted to Japanese guys. Or rather, guys who look like Japanese. But, to me, not all Japanese appeal to me. I don’t like those with real small eyes…slit eyes are fine though. And I like only man with oval-shaped or rectangular face. Preference for the first. Round and triangular shapes are definitely NO-NO.

Just the face?

Built also matters. I’m not interested in V-shape body. Not looking for a bodybuilder as eye-candy. I like men who have broad shoulders and walk with no slouch. Hahaha, maybe a clothes hanger?

So, it’s not that I like Japanese guys. Who knows, maybe I like Koreans as well? … But I do acknowledge that, I have a soft spot for the Japanese…….it’s the aura I get from them. Not all, some.

Anyway, I like a person based on his aura. My friend would say, this is known as ‘vibe’. Vibe as in vibrations? That’s what i would like to believe too. Because I believe in vibrations of the soul. When vibrations are strong, I feel scared. Because my mind would be in a twirl. When vibrations are weak, most prob I won’t even know hahahaha….When I feel scared, I can’t differentiate much about positivity and negativity. To me, at that moment in time, + and – will be a negative. Hence, my brain will send signals to my heart, saying it’s negative, not a proper feeling. My heart will then fight with my brain, and questions. Yada, yada…Mr Brain usually wins in the end. And of which, I keep telling myself to throw Mr Brain out, as where feelings are concerned, it’s the heart that has the final say. At least, I should attest to my case.

Just caught this period drama of a Japanese set. The male lead uttered similar phrase as me…a leaf, floating in the air, drifting gently down…..

Isn’t it winter now too? Winter is cold and harsh…how do you survive? No point struggling, no point putting it away…
When you are back, would things still be the same?
Would your heart still be there?
When does forever mean forever?
Is this positive or is this negative?
Winter is cold and harsh…
It’s so easy to cave in……and just forget.

Autumn is lovely and Winter is a beauty on her own.

Sent from my iPad

Cardigan from HK Blogshop and Uniqlo Tank

Ordered a few items from the blogshop. They sold pieces from Korea. And stuffs were ex. Very ex for a blogshop. But the quality is good. I don’t have any complaint.

I tend to grow weary. Tired. Energy level running low again? Somehow, I’m not looking forward to next year. But why? I also don’t know. I just feel tired. Don’t seem to have the energy. I want to sleep. On and on. Eat, sleep and play. Oh…well 😦

I’m very thankful. God has blessed me with a good family and great friends. And I know that His blessings continue. Just that sometimes, I do get my low moments. I’m not an emo. But when cold weather comes, i feel down. Especially rainy days make me feel blue. And makes me miss Hokkaido……terribly much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t forget Hokkaido. Unable to get this out of my system. Maybe that’s the basis of comparison. My heart just keeps leaning towards……snow. Not rain, not sunshine, not colors……It’s just so hard when you like something so much. And yet you can’t be with it or get it, and meanwhile you are just stuck at somewhere you don’t feel much. How does it feel when your heart is just somewhere else and not here? How does it feel when your heart cries out for that tremendous sense of longing? Longing for the nation that seems so far away? Longing for the moments that may never be the same again?

……..Seriously, I don’t know. Maybe I’ve caught the bug from the poetry I used to read. I’m freaking emo now?! T_T

Had a conversation with someone on my ex-tutor Mr Leong Wern Fook. Maybe it’s him who got me inspired with poetry. And struck that emo in me. I’m a wood, and a computer, how would I have feelings? Oh wow, major discovery or learning??? Songs these days are getting so blurry and complicated. Reflects the state of life, situation in society. I feel sad about this. Why does this world change so much, until akin to Hell??? It’s scary 😦 How many people are being hurt in the process? Or worse, how many don’t have any inkling of what’s going on???is it a blessing to be naive? Is it a blessing to be oblivious? I don’t know.

I think, it’s a skill to close one eye. I’m a reactor. I tend to react. But over the years, I’ve honed the skills to be emo-tion-less. Basically, there are just too many layers of onion skin to peel. I’ve such a part of me that’s dead but I’m trying to revive me. Absurd. Lol.

Don’t be too dark in thoughts, I have to tell myself. I don’t like this about myself too. Emo breaks me. Emo terrifies me. Emo freezes me. Can we either have snow here or see more of the autumn leaves???

Red top from Bugis and Skirt from Mango

I seldom wear red. Why don’t I? Maybe I’m a bull, I see red, I get stirred…and my emotions built up to some silly frustrations LOL

Not really. And not all red suit me. Skin tone. Some people look good in certain reds. Me too. And though red is also a Christmas color, I tend to associate red with CNY. Silver, gold, purple and green are Christmas colors to me 🙂 Strange lady here!

Weather is so much colder than usual. Being so exposed to the sun also means that when days are colder my place gets colder as well. And damp! Woah! I must rem to get hungry hippo, or dehumidifier? Or Charcoal? I’m confused. I haven’t do any research readings on these. I used to, until this year when I’m so busy with my furniture. Intending to get some more in the coming year. Intending to do up one of the rooms in a Japanese way. I also don’t know why I relate to them so much. If there’s a previous life, that’s my previous life I believe.

Someone mentioned I looked like K-pop. Hahaha. Transition from J-pop to K-pop. I just wanna grow my hair longer, with my natural curls and eccentuate them with big curls…? When would that be? More months to go definitely. Sometimes I think I’m a bimbo as well, on looks and clothes. But, we can only be young once, right?When I’m in my 50s, how would I look and dress??? Definitely not why I’m wearing now, right? Hmmm…shrugging at the thought of this. I want to age gracefully. Not haggardly, not grudgingly. My top wishlist for next year: Peace!!! (Not as in world peace, though I definitely wish for that, but that’s not according to the Bible) I enjoy quietness and harmony. I enjoy silence…LOL. I enjoy chilling out. I enjoy just rest and relax. I actually enjoy many things that many others find them absurd. Eg. Staring blankly…Hahaha. Not really now, these days I just like to sit and chill. Too crowded out in the streets. Too much noise. Too many distractions here and there. Home is the best. Don’t need to think too much. Isn’t that great? Why must I also be so guarded at home? Home is the place where we should feel safest in…I cringed for a decade. I didn’t know what that meant to me for a decade, though I must have felt it, but I’m not apt in articulating my emotions to concrete words. Or maybe, I’ve been too A-Q. My needs and wants are simplistic. Complicated people aren’t for me definitely. Because I never understand them. And it’s a pain to understand them, for I find myself entering into a world I never should have been. I don’t like people who emo. It’s a pain to understand them as that’s akin to rollercoaster rides. I rather take the rides as the rush of adrenaline thrills me. I can’t stand moody souls. Maybe I don’t have the patience. Maybe it’s just that I’m unwilling. Maybe…?

It’s so much easier and uplifting to talk to people of similar wavelength. There’s less confusion here and less of pain. And we do give emotional support and strength to one another. With emo people, I think I’ll just leave them alone. It’s their task to sort out themselves, not my task. They want too much, and suck out the energy from people. That’s bad. *shrugs*

Chiffon dress and Inner slip from local

I bought this chiffon dress many years ago. If I’m not wrong, it was bought more than 6 years ago! O_O I never once wore it, until this year, and this was the first time. I like her, having paired her up with this inner slip, I think they looked fantastically kawaii! Hahaha….!

I must have been such a hoarder. Well, actually I don’t keep all stuffs. I’ve thrown quite alot. The problem is, my memory actually lingered on with those items I had thrown…it’s as if I just saw them very recently, but they weren’t to be found, because the reality is I’ve thrown them away! O_O

I love pretty dresses. Dresses are simpler, I don’t need to think that much. I don’t like to take the trouble to coordinate every piece of my clothing. I have enough energy just to coordinate my dress with my bags and shoes. More than that? I don’t like to kill my braincells over too many distractions. Just unnecessary. I find it a challenge initially and that got me interested. To coordinate. But how long can I keep up with it? My interest waned. My energy level runs low. I’m not a highly energetic person. Not ultra definitely. I like the slow- ness of things…take it one step at a time…rest and relax…sip some tea…eat some cakes…enjoy the fresh air…chill… (^_^)

Not everyone can stand this. Or me. LOL In fact, I think most find me too boring. Most prob, our energy levels don’t match. I never enjoy it when others push me to go forward. I dislike that absolutely. You give me my space and time, I’ll love you to nuts 😀 Try encroaching on my space and demanding of time, I’ll just keep having recurring dreams of myself being out of breath from a room that’s being minisized till micro…those were scary dreams. I don’t remember having them this year. This year, I have recurring dreams of flying/unconventional lifts 🙂 I am in love with lifts, especially the full glass kind or the capsule kind.

I remember when I was so much younger, we went to Isetan at Havelock Road. I remember they used to sell curry pastries at the basement. I loved curry pastries since then! Now I’m craving for Polar puffs…oh well! I recently had a buffet at The Line, and I really ate many rounds of salmon, kajiki, oysters, cakes and such…SaDLY, in less than 1 hour after I ended my big meal, I went to move my bowels…there goes all my buffet! Wah! I’m just so amazed with my digestive system. What enzymes do I have? That’s the reason why I don’t get fat despite eating lots! Sad? Happy? Sigh…I’m quite beyond words when I think of buffet. I love food.

Such a festive season…dreamy mood 🙂 What do I want for next year? Hahaha, besides money, I pray for good health. And I also hope that I won’t get to hear people talking loudly anymore. I don’t like loud people. I don’t like noise. To me, they disturb my mood. And somehow, scare my soul…I’m looking towards more R&R. Better for my heart. I like to laugh and enjoy laughing. Being whiny and sorts are totally not me. I don’t even like to emo. I can’t comprehend people with mood swings, people who emo. Some people really have a big problem with that! Oops, of coz, ultimately it’s their choice. So, I pray for laughter and more laughter! 😀 😀 😀

Vintage Japanese Top: Mini polka dots

Oops, I haven’t altered the sleeves of this top yet. Looks kinda aged in this…anyway, I’m old, it’s fine…suits me my age LOL

I procrastinate alot. Yup, I’m a turtle…super slow, taking my own SWEET T.I.M.E. I don’t understand what’s the rush for, hence it’s very tough to push me ahead. And I don’t like to be pushed…once in a corner I’ll be a bull, only seeing RED. Otherwise, for most of the time, I’m peace-loving and in harmony with the nature and this world 🙂 I am very much like the sun sign, except for one. Maybe I’ve started out wrongly, hence it’s quite tedious to make amends. My other signs made me logical and even more unemotional. Sun sign is already bad enough…:( But ya, I’m in love with nature…put me out to the grasslands and I can smile the whole day long…though cool weather will be delightful! Summer makes me mad and bad. Autumn makes me sad. Winter reminds me of end of life but I love winter, for it reminds me of emotions, romantic thoughts on feelings and such. Strange that both are so contradictory.

I like dreams. And I also like to put dreams to reality. It’s hard. But it’s not impossible. But for it to be possible, it’s not just within my control. Do I have enough stamina? Do I really want that?Do I????? I keep asking myself such questions over and over again. I don’t believe in jumping on the wagon. I don’t believe in just going according to my emotions. I can’t. I have to keep analyzing, keep considering, keep wondering, keep asking…not just about life, about relationships, about plans…I have to be convinced myself first before I move ahead. Else, i’ll just be the bull, triggered by the color RED and charging towards it without knowing what’s the real reason that I’m doing so. I don’t want to be in this situation. I have to be convinced.

Looks like, I need a prayer.

Set my sights right and keep me in focus.

Autumn and winter…

Cream and Green

Colors of the autumn season?

I have been reading the blogs I had written years ago, dated way back to Year 2003? O_O Things came to a standstill at 2005. With a change then, I sorta transformed into another being…an individual who is indifferent because she locked up her heart and soul. Thereafter, time after time, God never fails to pull me out. Especially so when He sees that I am just allowing myself being subjected to multiple hurts which I was already too numb to all feelings. I guess, that time when my heart died, a big part of me was gone. And when my heart is being revived, and yet I feel stifled, part of me just keep dying each day…and I actually allowed myself to go through such processes. God must have been horrified to see me in such shapes…that eventually He has to pluck me out from the shrubs again. Henceforth, things start to beckon. I can never thank God enough for His acts. Countless times. Despite my wilful ways. I tend to run away. Why? I find it horrifying to face my feelings. I am used to being a robot. Eat, work, sleep. Just going through the motions of life. I wasn’t supposed to have any emotions in life. I wasn’t supposed to be angry or pissed or worked up over things or people. I wasn’t supposed to feel. Wow, was that life for me? Obviously not, as what God has seen so clearly.

I guess that being indifferent back in Year 2005 has given me the chance of life. That was the turning point in my life, that was being used as the basis of which I made my eventual decision and surrendered to God. I knew I couldn’t run away from my feelings. Mind you, this world doesn’t comprise of only romantic feelings. There are also existences of other forms of feelings and relationships. I realize, being indifferent gives me liberation. I realize, being indifferent leads me to others.

I actually find this process an interesting journey, though tough. I like the process of discovery. I like God to help me in discovery. I don’t like to be stagnant in growth. I won’t remain at the same emotional growth spot for long. I move. I get restless if I remain stagnant. To me, being stagnant is when I allow myself to procrastinate. I do procrastinate, as usual, I am not perfect.

I long for a walk in the nature park. I long for the cool breeze of the air to caress my face. I long to see the bright blue sky, along with the fresh scent of flowers by the morning dew. I once went there in the light of the day, at the early strike of morn. Nothing beat the scent, except my emotions weren’t right at that time. Come this time…God…be there for me. As You have always been.