Zara: Rest & Relax

Take things slowly.
One thing at a time.
What’s the point of being obsessed and overwhelmed with the mainstream of chasing after pride and prestige?

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Some people are naturally competitive.
Some people are just naturally out of the world.

I belong to the second group. There may be more groups, just that at this point of time, I can’t be bothered to dissect. Remember, I am out of the world.

I believe it’s alright to fail. Along with failure, there is a lesson learnt. And such a lesson is something valuable in my life. Do I see failure as an obstacle? No. In fact, it opens up many doors and windows. However, one thing I would never do is, to use failure as an excuse to make use of others to mend my own shortfalls in life. Will I ever learn as a result? No. Coz forever, I know I have a buffer, a cushiony sponge bed right in front of me.

Most people are creatures of comfort. And that’s alright, we have our unique wants. But what I want, and what I desire, must be in line with my integrity in life, and that’s not at the expense of using people. As far as what most people, including me, desire, I believe the heart knows the truth. Can we run away from that?

I told someone, if I cannot commit, I would not pretend and try to manage it. To me, it’s a matter of choice. I chose not to commit, because I chose to concentrate on some other stuffs. If I commit, I give my all. There’s no such thing as ‘half/semi’ in my life. To give my best is very important. And for that to happen, I have the power to make my own choice.

At the end of the day, I like to keep my heart free from stress physically. I like to laugh and I enjoy intellectual jokes. What I pride myself with is, the ability to stay true to myself, and my decision. It is a choice to be made. As much as I may find it hard to do away with this part of me, I am sure it just isn’t meant to be so, at this point of time.

My dream: Merging with reality!

Mr Man and Ms Lady

My goodness, why is this cafe spinning all the oldies fr Mr C’s era??? And yesterday we were just talking about him! LOL it’s only his good looks that I like, but not his character. Coz in the end when he eventually called me, I was so damn pissed. The time has to be my time, not the person’s time. Strange.

My dream: Merging with reality!

Need plenty of prayers

能吃是福。
Need plenty of prayers.

I have to keep praying. And I believe that God hears and answers and helps. Please be in control of everything. I pray that the condition is stable and will go away as soon as possible.

My dream: Merging with reality!

That part of the song that I can relate to

假如说我能减少一分对你的爱,我将不知感到如此的无奈。

To do away a part of my feelings for you, is akin to having a part of me dying away……
Memo.m4a
I relate to this particular line of the song. My feelings are strong and intense. Hence I don’t develop feelings just for anyone. I can be with a person BUT without strong and intense feelings. That’s not difficult for me, given my high tolerance level. BUT I am afraid to be with a person whom I have strong and intense feelings for. Perhaps in this way, I’ll choose to……get away. Disappear. Had two such encounters…and still having. I try to take a different approach. I think the best is…to…take a break, have a kit-kat. Haha, commitment phobia? I think I have a commitment phobia. I want too much time for myself. And I don’t want to match the time.

I recalled. When I was in my teens, I made studies my top priority. I wasn’t a nerd though, was active with several extra-curricular activities, and my ‘entertainment’ friends. And my utmost priority was my studies. I was quite fortunate that my crush had the same feelings for me. Unfortunately, I was not ready. I wanted to spend more time to be streamed into the top class, with the top specialisation for double Humanities, double Pure Sciences and Advanced Mathematics. To me, this is VERY IMPORTANT. Romance was the last priority of my life. I also wanted to spend more time socialising with our friends and my other friends. I couldn’t imagine myself just being with that crush ALL the time…that’s ultimate nightmare for me. I also don’t know whether this is a positive aspect of myself. Up till now, I am still with the same mindset.

When I achieved my goal, he was focusing on his ‘O’s. That’s when things eventually simmered…and I didn’t want to enter into the same JC as him. His JC was not in my list of choices. I made a very conscious choice, to end our paths.

All the while, his friends were trying to bring us together. I just didn’t want then…because I wanted to do my best and have fun in my JC. Looking back, I was a very self-centred and selfish person. I didn’t care about how he felt about us. I just wanted…MY WAY.

This part of the song helped me to ascertain where my heart belongs to… Not totally, but it helped in a way. But what I realised was, I am still the same as in my teens. I am too focused on my goals. Perhaps I shouldn’t term it as goal. It’s more like a dream to me.

My dream: Merging with reality!

iPAQ — Reminiscing the past

iPAQ, my faithful companion before iPad.

I did practically most of the word processing using it. She’s just so convenient to bring around. Only problem was she didn’t have too much memory back then. And her energy level was low. Battery drain was super fast…

I find it scary…to remember some people. Not that they scare me, but it’s more of I really can’t recall knowing them at which point of my life. Maybe my processor is not functioning well. LOL Anyway, most importantly is right now, I remember my loved ones.

I most prob have selective memory. I can remember my trips distinctly for most periods. There were some trips that were not that significant hence I didn’t really remember much. However, I still recall someone I met at Bangkok, whom I think in the end, I ran into the same person again here. Or perhaps, my memory is not functioning well?

Seriously I don’t think it’s healthy not to trust people. My default mode is trust. Until proven wrong. But there are some people whose operative mode is distrust until proven innocent. Haiz. Maybe I am really naive, or in delusion. Hahaha. Maybe that’s the secret to look younger than actual age. Hahaha. Being simple and naive. (Though naive does not really have a positive connotation.)

I hope to get an extra 2 pieces of furniture this year and that should be an end to my furniture hunt for the next few years.

My dream: Merging with reality!

Donut. Sweet. Kid.

In a daze.
Overwhelmed.
Too much info.
Confused.
….mixed feelings here and there….

Many years ago, i discovered that I just couldn’t share my joy or sorrow with a person. When there’s joy in my life, I had to hide it. When there’s sorrow in my life, I had to dismiss it. Back then, I didn’t understand, the exact reason I behaved in the way I did. Perhaps, I thought…that was the way life was supposed to be. When I was at the crossroads, I stood there. No one guided me physically. No one was there to offer me sound advice. Back then, it was scary, I was alone, and somebody knew that, and so coerced me into accepting some arrangement which I had thought, that was the way life was.

I had no good news to share, because I knew whatever good things happened to me, or moments that I felt happy, the closest yet distant person would not feel that for me. I continued on, thinking at times, that I didn’t deserve happy moments, good stuffs etc. I continued on, thinking if I appeared happy, someone would be unhappy with me, and I didn’t want people to be unhappy with me. I was just a…people pleaser. I didn’t think this was anything bad. In fact, I did want to please my loved ones and close ones. I didn’t like to see people being upset, and especially upset with me. So I stopped sharing, my heart distanced itself…until now, I realised, those were so many years ago, that my heart stopped having a life.

Robotic. This could be the term.

I think, we only like to mix around with people whom we feel close to, especially in terms of values, beliefs and virtues. And this group of special people, is the one who help you to grow along the way…Growing up can be a painful process. We may be a better person, or we may become wayward.

I think, it’s definitely very unhealthy to grow up in a negative environment. Hence, I really detest people who try to put others down and being negative. And I also detest people who ask questions such as ‘are you sure’. When someone shares with you an idea, why can’t we be positive and echo ‘why not’. What is impossible in this world, is because most of the time we made it impossible. By our negative thoughts and actions.

I admit, I am guilty of such negative acts at times as well. I have to constantly remind myself, of the pitfalls I would be falling into if I keep dwelling on the negativity of things. I know, it’s easier said than done. But I just have to do it, to constantly remind myself, of all things. It’s a tough process, but not impossible.

I feel as if I am at the crossroads again. I know the definite paths I have to take. And want to take. Yet at the same time, there are some paths that seem to be either intertwining or meandering into the…oceans?…Nothing is for sure in this world. The only constant thing is change.

Years ago, as I stood at a crossroad, I asked myself why. Years later, I am standing at another crossroad, and I am wondering about the same question again. Sometimes, I think, such feelings and encounters are so déjà vu.

Time is something I never have enough. Interestingly, I get chance(s). Is this how God makes me go through a life of renewal, every now and then, knowing time is a major consideration on my side and weighing very heavily on most of my major paths? I don’t know.

Too weak now. I just have to let go.

My dream: Merging with reality!