Too sudden

I am feeling very upset and want to cry. But somehow tears just don’t flow that smoothly…the pain is bad and I am scared as well. I wonder, will I survive? So what if I cry? So what if I fear? Last year once, this year another, how many more to go? I am not an android, I feel the pain. And frustrated I am, because I have to make all major decisions. If I remove it this time, will there be another round? I am just so sick of the entire process and the hiccups it causes. This is endless pain.

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

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Taking care of myself

I have to really set this alarm every month, to remind myself to drink Chrysanthemum tea as my body is often heated up. I wonder whether this is due to my stifled temperament. I am not a docile being. In fact, I think I am more like a missile. Hahaha, boundless of energy being stored.

This month of May has been fun. And I am happy despite dealing with morons every now and then. What can I do when this world is filled with so many who just want to take the easy way out albeit sugarcoated words? Sometimes, I think I have evolved a great deal, it’s so easy to just smile and compliment without meaning it. Ah…just that it’s eating me up day by day to be hypocritical which is totally not me. I am happy, and being happy means I really smile and enjoy my times with people I hold close to my heart. And I know it’s the truth, for the truth sets me free to be happy and at peace. It’s a totally different world when you smile at morons. Oh duh!

At the end of the day, I want to be true to my loved ones. I love them as much as I love myself. And so, I remind myself to love myself more, and in so doing, I can love my loved ones more. Isn’t this simple happiness in life? To see our loved ones happy. To see the smiles on our loved ones. To make a cheerful day for our loved ones.

Watched Prometheus recently. Spun a deal of thoughts in my mind. It’s a movie I had been wanting to watch, but have yet to really sit down and digest it. It’s different from most alien-freak shows. I think, there’s depth in the storyline and the deeper meaning to our existence. Oh well, it’s just a movie, why am I viewing it from such a serious mindset?

Maybe the recent movies I watched highlighted the fact that I would be long gone by the year 2094. That sets me into this ultra serious mode. The reason why God sends me to this world, and takes me away from this world. Maybe I am being delirious in my thoughts, I sincerely don’t ever have this notion that God sends me here to make people cringe and cry. I grow up always wanting to see the smile on my loved ones. Hence since young, I love to tell jokes and make the light of things even when situation seems bleak…despite my cynical view of some matters in life. Some people just couldn’t stand me because of my nature. The happy-go-lucky nature. Because it’s expected that I should be down and out and cry till my heart is out. O_o this is something that I can’t comprehend. As what I’ve said, I must have a screw lost.

Is longevity the thing that people have been pursuing all their lives? Or is it happiness?

I think, it’s happiness.

秦始皇没得到长生不老的药,所以他不开心。
如果他开心,那就是他的灵药了。
是吗?

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

My favourite Marvel hero: Iron Man

I like Iron Man. Why?
His intelligence. That’s an attractive trait to me. Someone commented, oh, so you liked old man. Nope, that’s not about it. I like Iron Man because of his intelligence. And age has no effect on intelligence. I find that people with intelligence are sexy. Oh hahaha, the reverse is quite a put-off to me. And I am certainly not turn on by people who speak less sense and exhibit less intelligence. I think the ultimate torture is relating to such people. By that, I am not referring to academic excellence. I am referring to thought processes, logical sequencing and critical thinking. People who don’t posses these will think I am being elitist. People who posses these definitely share my view, as many have had their fair share of exasperation faced with the other group. Actually, is it really that difficult to think logically, to process our thoughts analytically and critically???? I think, those who never have done these would continue to see these as difficulties and perhaps, utter crap. Well, living in denial is bad. Being in delusion is pathetic.

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Simple stuffs in life

Milo, plants and Little Twin Stars 🙂

Milo: an all-time favourite, despite my weak stomach.
Plants: brings me back to nature.
Little Twin Stars: joyful joyful we adore thee!

How many times have I posted about topics on time? I looked at some of my Sanrio items, and were shocked that they were dated ’09! Wasn’t that four years ago? Okay, my collection has been steadily increasing, and I am delighted with my Little Twin Stars! 🙂 I am thankful that my friends know my obsession with pearl pinks, apple greens and Little Twin Stars…That’s what people close to me will know. Because I wouldn’t be going around and telling people, hey Little Twin Stars is my favourite! Heehee…that’ll be plain narcissistic and obsession. I have liked Sanrio for as long as I can remember. Back in those days, my family would go to OG at Chinatown, and that’s where I would see all the lovely tule dresses and Sanrio stuff. I have never really loved Barbie, but I did want to have one just to look normal, as the norm seemed to be Barbie back then. And I have never really liked Hello Kitty. I just find her weird. But as usual, I would try to like Hello Kitty as I tried to be in the norm. Well, I am never in the norm. LOL, is this pathetic or great?

Had a strange dream. Fur Elise, a nice piece of music. We were discussing on the variations of this music piece, how it could be played and such. Well, music is a great part of my life, especially when I was much younger. By that, I mean classical pieces, not the pop music.

A musical box. How I wish I never have thrown that musical box away! It was a childhood piece with a classical tone. And it was from Japan…Haiz! That box accompanied me while I was just a toddler. I am not too sure whether I can get a similar piece. I guess I will try. Especially so since this is my first childhood love.

I will keep trying, for things I love and people I care about.

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Vest: A masculine top

People are impressionistic. Just because I wear a skirt or dress hence I am deemed as being demure. LOL. Just because I wear a pair of jeans hence I am deemed as being more outgoing. Just because I am sitting in front of my lappy hence I am deemed as being more hardworking. Just because…oh…so many things, how easy it is for people to form impressions of others!

Seriously, what’s wrong? Can’t people just be happy within themselves instead of trying to fix people up to their expectations in life? Ok, here I am dealing with respect to the ground on reasonableness. Not about people who super bo-chap about things in life, and thus not doing anything much to make improvement to themselves.

When you miss someone, won’t you just want to listen and talk to that person? Why would you choose to put other things into your life and defer the time to communicate? I am not a good communicator, in the sense that I am deemed as quieter for people who aren’t close to me. For people who are closer, I believe that we talk as often as we listen. Hence if I can, I would even sacrifice my time just to listen and talk to the person whom I am close to. It’s hard for me to think that I can defer the time. In this busy world, we are constantly bogged down with work and such. If I don’t stop to listen and talk to my close ones, when will I ever have a well-arranged opportune to do that?

I get to see my parents often. Even so, I miss them. Maybe I have never uttered anything like this, but I do miss people in my life, despite them being close to me. Sounds strange? How do I explain this? …… At times, I wish I can afford more of my time. Unfortunately we only have 24 hours a day, and there is only ONE physical self. Quality time is important. But so is quantity right? Sigh, the dilemma in life.

Some say man is made of metal while woman is made of water. I say, man is made of wood, and woman is made of titanium. Is this a feminist statement? LOL

So much for my random thoughts.

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Memory of ZARD

I think, ZARD’s songs resonated my feelings. Just listening to her songs brought me déjà vu memories of JPop days. I wasn’t into JPop back then. I started listening to the Japanese music when I was in primary school, way before the wave of JPop swept Asia in the late 90s towards the millennium. I grew up listening more to the Japanese and English songs, especially when I was in primary school. I can still remember some of the old birds, ZARD was considered the later batch towards the millennium. Somehow I had an overdose of the Japanese items and hence I deviated from the Japanese to concentrate on my studies. Until much later on, my affinity returns. And this time round, I will make it a point to go back to what I have not completed in my primary school. I don’t want to live a life of regrets.

Life. What I like. Choose my love.

Time is the only factor.

I am an idealistic person. Maybe I am not very down to earth. I have my strange hopeless moments. I don’t know. I kind of understand why I have a soft spot towards people who are soft-spoken. I hope that everything will work out in God’s will. I have pushed aside many things for these many years. Because I want to focus on what I want. And there are so many things that I have missed out on, and too many things for me to want. I cannot handle everything without prioritising. Some things or people just have to take a back seat in my life. Not that I don’t care, but because I know I won’t give my best at this moment in time. There’s nothing worse than seeing myself not putting in my best. Yes, I am not perfect, BUT I don’t want myself to use this as an excuse to get myself out of not doing my best. It’s spiral. And I hate coming up with excuses. For myself. I want to do my best.

It’s easy for me to just take the easy way out. But that’s not what I want. And definitely not my happiness.

It’s very tough. Many times I also struggle. Temptations are all around, and it’s hard. Sometimes I have to tell myself, keep up my good focus, keep going…but then there I will be thinking otherwise if I have not been so harsh upon myself. How do I explain that to myself? Yea, why am I so harsh upon myself? Why do I do everything, as if I am Wonderwoman, and I am void of all feelings???

I am not a robot. Not a computer. Not a program. I have emotions and feelings as well. I face temptations in life as well. Good things happen to me, bad things happen as well. What do I do? I try to clear my head, clear my heart, and clear what I want to do. I try to make things clear to myself, and for myself. Yes, I am very me-centred. If I am not, I will forever be living for someone, and not for myself, that will be even sadder. It’s only when I live for myself, then I can live and care for others in a much better way…

Happy? I am.
Sad? I am.
Angry? I am.
Lost? Maybe.
Thrilled? I am.
Hopeful? I am.
Frustrated? Not really.
Scared? No.

There are many things I am happy about. And these are close to my heart. If I feel sad, it’s usually because I feel discouraged that my well-meaning thoughts were deemed as otherwise. If I feel angry, it’s usually because I cannot stand pharisees and cannot comprehend the existence of individuals who do not see beyond. I am lost because sometimes I also wonder what I am doing. I am thrilled because there are always new things happening and entering into my life. I am hopeful because I am basically an optimistic person in a way. Feelings of frustrations only hit me when I meet with obstacles. But as what I have always done, I get around such. Scared? No, because I place my faith in God.

I try not to think. Not to think. It’s just a nice distraction from my original intended path.

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Passing phase

At times I wonder, did something go wrong when I was in my teens? I mean, I didn’t go through the phase whereby gals went through the bickering stage of fighting over boys and such. On the other hand, my friends were very encouraging of me instead…because they felt that the guy was good for me. Come to think of it, my friends back then were really nice people. I remembered that there was a group of so-called pack of classmates who went out with one another and ended up parting their ways very unhappily due to their bitter quarrels and aggressive fights over boys. Hmmm…I really wonder, why these people were friends in the first place.

I am thankful that I have always met nice friends. Friends, one of God’s blessings in my life.

This passing phase, I think I am just experiencing it once in a while. I am rather amused, because as always, I am the sort who likes to set goals and be focused on my tasks. I am fine with encountering new adventures in my life, but I am not the sort who seek thrills. It’s a compliment for people to pay attention to me. And on days like this, I will wonder, am I going to struck 4D or TOTO??? The most ridiculous thing I have heard so far was with respect to a certain person who said he remembered me from a previous training session. I had no impression even of the training session I attended. And of course, I had several series of strange encounters here and there, which I could only remember if I blogged it down. Certain times I tried to put it away, because I had no intention to pursue it further. No time. I want ME-time. No energy. I want to do my things. No effort. I want freedom for myself. I am selfish, I don’t like to share my time, I don’t want to do things for others, I don’t want to be controlled by people. I am strange, because I believe that most people (except my close and dear friends) would have jump at whichever opportunity presented. But I am just NOT that. So?…

I am not that soft-hearted. I believe in setting a list of criteria and follow according to the criteria. But well, I like people who are soft-hearted…maybe because they help to complete a part of me…? Why would I need or want another person to be as tough and hardheaded like me?

Well, time will tell. I just take my time since this is nothing new or strange to me. LOL

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

I dress the way I like

I am a horse. No one can bring me to a halt, without my consensus. Except God. I am very obstinate, and headstrong. But I change just like the direction of the wind. According to my likes and dislikes, my preferences. It’s hard to make an accurate prediction of me, for I alternate between two extremes. Very rarely do I sit on the fence. I do not like to be Humpty-Dumpty. Be it a wall, a fence, a chair, whatever, I do not like. Maybe that’s why I always love the swing. Swing from one extreme to the other, moderate myself as and when I like, be in control of the momentum. I hate it when an extra hand is there to direct the way I swing, saying I must swing harder, or I mustn’t swing that high. To me, I enjoy the feeling of going through processes. Yes, such processes may be tiring and often people give up. But I like to see myself emerging from these, and evolving to a better self.

I don’t like to be stagnant. I might like routine, but I do not like to be stagnant. And routine doesn’t work for me in the long run, because I stop functioning. I can easily switch to autopilot mode, when I don’t want to do so in actual living. To me, that’s zombie-ing, if there’s such a word for it. Yup, I know, most people like to opt for the easy way out. I am just not ‘most people’.

I may be a strange person. One can admire me yet hate me to the core. One can find fault with me but yet respect me in a certain way. Why? Frankly, I also don’t understand. Am I oblivious to this world? Maybe I am. I may be living in my own idealistic world, as usual, and it’s hard to get out from my world. Why? Because I still believe in the existence of such a world. Why? Because I see that…though that’s a rare case indeed.

I am a rebel. Chaotic Good.

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Finally I gave myself ME-TIME

I am one who will go bonkers without me-time. I need to have a clear mind, and that can be best done with no one except me during this time. I am still feeling exhausted in a way, though it’s much better now. I was told that I looked very pale. I guess that’s due to my lack of sleep. Sometimes I am too committed to what I want to do, that I don’t realise that I have been doing non-stop. I am simply too engrossed. True, we still have a life, and we need to get our own life. But I believe in doing my utmost, and yes, sometimes this utmost mentality gets the better of me, to the extent that I forget about myself. How I wish that I can just put things away, and not hold things close to my heart. When things and people matter to me, I put in my utmost. When they don’t matter to me, I don’t give a damn. Such extremes, I am. I just can’t seem to fall into the middle category. Maybe that’s why I am highly unpredictable to those who don’t know me well. Some expect me to be as meek as a mouse when I don’t see the need. Some expect me to be a doormat when I don’t see my situation as being pathetic. Some expect me to just forget about things when I don’t see myself as remembering too much. Basically, for those who don’t know me well, they don’t know what I would do, could do and want to do. They only view me from the angle of ‘what I should do’. And the modal verb ‘should’ comes from their angle, their point of view. Not my point of view definitely.

Hence, it’s easy to know who knows you and who knows you not. Time has no influence on this. Some people know you for the longest period of time, and yet know you not. Why? Because the heart of thought is absent. In a similar way, if I talk for long, it doesn’t mean that I am an I personality.

Things may not be what they seem, I suppose? Sometimes, we also wonder, why do people not dispose their waste properly in the public toilet. Is it because they forget to bring their glasses and hence cannot see clearly? Is it because the flush is not working properly and hence the waste is not being disposed? Is it just because a matter of convenience and lack of concern for other users?

I know what some will say, I am not perfect, stop telling me to be perfect, stop insisting on this and that, it’s so hard to live by the rule, and sort. I don’t deny we are not perfect, and because I recognise that, I really think we should not just use that as an excuse to get ourselves out of an awkward situation. Much too often, people just want an excuse of convenience, to absolve themselves of any responsibility. And coincidentally, my stars crash with such people. And I have learned, age doesn’t matter. It happens across all age groups. Maybe we say it’s more so in the Strawberry Generation. But who are the parents of these strawberries? What about the Gen Y? And what about the Gen X? We used to think that baby boomers are very responsible beings. But when things happen, they also want to get away from their responsibilities. Perhaps it’s more of the pain they encounter, and less of escapism. I don’t know, I am just speculating. And as usual, what’s my sample size???

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)