Garden of Kellys ~ Hermès

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November is passing by extremely fast. And yet at times, I find that it’s simply shocking that we are still in the month of November. Perhaps, too many things have been happening within this month, and thus I feel this way.

Not too sure as to whether I am on the right track. But I do know that with proper planning, at least I wouldn’t deviate too much from the original plan. Remember, fail to plan, plan to fail? I have experienced this before, being muddle-headed and young. Ok, not that young. And thus, now I have been very much disciplined, to remember this. Commit my plans to God.

I am glad to have this sageuk to satisfy my cravings for historical Korea. I want to visit South Korea again, hopefully soon. Not for shopping. Solely for historical trip. Not too sure whether this comes as a surprise, well, I definitely identify more with historical Korea than historical China. I am rational enough not to be into Kpop and sorts. So I know that the interest in historical Korea is not due to external influences.

For most countries I visited, I love to see their palaces, castles and ancient structures. Musée du Louvre used to be a fortress. It’s grand, just like a palace. The long halls. The numerous rooms. The details of the decor. I can only marvel, and admire with awe. Imagination runs wild. What were the lives of the people back then? 故宫紫禁城 and 圆明园 were both grand and scenic. The vast amount of space. The golden plated decor. The carvings of the lions and the dragons. How did the people manage to walk from one end to the other end?

And as what I have in mind, I hope to visit the place. I guess that, it’s better late than never, right?

I was pretty dense in the past. And perhaps, even up till now. And perhaps I only know about such truths of feelings when I watch the Kdrama. That when you like a person, you will yearn to see the person, and perhaps in the time of yearning, you may even create opportunities to see or talk to the person. Hmmm……this is something new to me. And I know, this is not new to many others. Thus, I am just being dense. But I am also asking myself this question, that how could I be such a dense person?

Am I trying to avoid?
Am I unwilling to commit?
Or…do I actually have a fear of commitment?…

I am not exactly a very feminine person. And I cannot feign to be one either. If I am not one, why must I resort to trickery? I only chase for the truth. And I want to be truthful to the person I choose to love and spend my life with. Am I ready to give my heart away?

Yes, there are times of flutter. Here and there, this and such. But to me, that’s about all, and I have no wish to indulge. At least I know, at this point of time. Not many will understand my thoughts, and perhaps one may feel intimidated with my thoughts…

I have long since given up on explanation. I believe strongly that people only see what they want to see. The question is, are you even seeing the truth, the reality? But of course, not many can bear the burden of the truth and the reality. And thus, many choose to just accept the way things are.

Am I one who is like this?

I like to ask myself many questions. And perhaps in doing so, I end up frustrated. But does it mean that in order not to feel frustrated, I don’t ask myself such questions??? I have to face it, face the truth, face the reality, face myself…

Running away doesn’t solve the problem. And some people actually thought that by keeping quiet the person is running away. Not exactly correct. Do I run away?…well…does acting blur count as such?

Really, what matters most to a person may differ with time. I don’t know. Perhaps I am still growing up? Hahaha…

Mythical…and thoughts

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Pegasus’ saddle. Ultimate mythical fantasy. I have always loved horses. And riding a horse is sexy…hmm…maybe this is one of the reasons why I love the Sageuk drama so much…plenty of horses and riders LOL…obsession.

I tend to be absorbed into my thoughts, and perhaps into my own world. To the extent that everything is just oblivious to me. Maybe I don’t care much. Maybe I am really not interested in many things. And more often than not, I am mostly interested in stuffs that many aren’t…Maybe I am a freak, a nerd, a weirdo, or whatever term deems fit for me…LOL

Time is so easily taken up, with happy moments, treasured decisions, cherished people. A dilemma with time. I wish it doesn’t fly…so fast. But yet I wish I can accelerate to that point. Such complex feelings within me…and I ended up just leaving it to…God. Years ago, I had a similar encounter. And though I felt happy then, it kind of distracted me and pulled me away from my focus. I saw how bad it was for my life…and I didn’t want anything to disrupt my path again. And especially so when I can be the one to be in control of myself. Perhaps, I can just be happy, watching all my dramas…living out the real stuffs is scary…At least for me, because I am unwilling. And I don’t want to be put in a position to decide.

Yes, I sound as if I just want to escape. I don’t like to make decisions pertaining to feelings. This makes me greatly uncomfortable. For my very rational self will start to do the analysis and I find myself becoming a total robot. Yes, that’s me, who doesn’t like to deal with illogical decisions. And seriously, I do make logical decisions that seem illogical to others…and most likely, it is in my perspective that my decisions are logical and not whimsical.

How do people think?
…and I am just so terrified of people who are quiet.

Confessions

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I don’t know whether I ought to be happy about it or not. Totally mind blown. Two separate matters. And I think, perhaps all along, I have been either acting blur or I am indeed totally clueless.

Is it a good thing to let your feelings out? I don’t know. But it seems that guys around me either keep things to themselves for far too long, until they almost burst…because I am totally clueless. And this one, I just can’t believe what he said to me. Not that he is telling lies. I believe that he speaks the truth. But why would one bottle his feelings up all these while??? If only he was more upfront about it. But of course, now he tried to be upfront about it, and I am…just scared. For the two of them are very close friends. And what’s this thing about guys and their friendships???…

Just this week, someone was sharing with me something personal…which I felt uncomfortable but I couldn’t stop the person from sharing his thoughts with me. I can be very curt if I choose to. But only if I know that I am not being cherished. And he was telling me about guys and their friendships turning sour…oh well. How should I respond?

I know my focus very well. And a friend of mine has been encouraging me much. Yes, unexpected things happen. But I know this is not even the first one in my path. And I am not eager to share my life with someone else. I want to be fair to this person. If I cannot give my heart now, why should I string you along?

Anyway, the truth I have learned today…from this person, I am still in a confused mind. Basically I enjoy friendships, and i am not interested in romantic relationships as they give me headache.

I cannot start on anything if I have not completed what I need to do first. Or perhaps, I can?

I can only focus on one thing at a time. Besides that, I also need plenty of me-time. I am very terrified with commitments…actually.

Nevertheless…it’s good for him to confess after all…and I am very sorry indeed.

*should be posted a couple of weeks ago, but I was too preoccupied with heavier responsibilities in life…