Time to check on my emotions

Being an INTJ, it just seems so easy for me to put away my emotions, switch it off like a robot, focus on my tasks and duties, fulfil my responsibilities and putting in my best according to my faith and belief. It certainly seems so easy. Well, after the hectic period, I am glad to have my time back once more.

I realise, I miss Yukie Nishimura’s music compositions so much! I have several of her albums, and I can just play them over and over again! In the process of listening to them, I can’t help but feel that time is a reflection of cruelty. I want to expedite my tasks, but with that, time will fly, and when time passes so fast, wouldn’t that signify I am ageing fast as well?… This is such a dilemma. God sure knows my greatest weakness. Am I able to withstand the test of time?

There is much more to my life I believe. But at the same time, it’s quite tough to walk the unseen path. I would say that right now, I am still wondering and wandering. Maybe I have a kind of idea. Maybe I don’t. Maybe my ideas are interconnected. I am not sure. I certainly don’t like to be bored. I take calculated risks, and at times, I do take risks of any kind. It’s not quite like me, since I am not supposed to be a ‘feeling’ person.

When I was young, my mum brought me to her mahjong friend’s house. This friend had a young daughter who was short, fat and a bully. I would play with the other kids and her when I was there. But I certainly disliked her when she started to bully her playmates. It wasn’t about her built I disliked. It wasn’t about her height either. It was her mannerisms and attitudes towards relations with people. She’s simply awful. As she was younger than most of us the young kids, we didn’t want to whine to our mothers or ask for help. Neither did we play rough with her since she’s a girl and she’s a young one. We made a very good decision, of which each of us (except the bully) was game enough for it. We stopped playing. We stopped touching her toys, we stopped talking to her, we stopped circling around her, we left her room. It wasn’t a loss to us at all since we didn’t have a good time playing with her. We weren’t that hard-up for a playmate either, since most of us were very friendly and jovial kids. It’s easy to make friends, and hence it didn’t bother us that we chose not to play in her house. Haha, it did bother her! I still remember the scene when she came crying from her bedroom, that no one wanted to play with her. Hahaha, we were just paying her back in her own coin. Why on earth must we subject ourselves to nasty playmates? It’s not as if we couldn’t survive on our own, and not as if that playmate is the centre of our universe.

I guess, this incident affected and influenced my mentality a lot. Especially with respect to how I handle situations and relationships in life. I am thankful for this incident, because incidents happen for a reason. I believe that no one should behave in a lousy manner just because he/she is from a privileged or underprivileged background. We have seen how some rich people behave as if they own the world, and in a similar manner, we have also seen how some others behave as if the world owes them a living. It’s strange. I wonder, when will these people reach enlightenment?

Time.
Do you just want to pass time watching trains go by? If I am younger, I will think, wow, this is such a romantic thought, watching the trains go by with my beau by the side of the track, going for a nature walk, listening to the chirping of the birds. Yes, this is still a romantic thought to me, LOL. But hullo, now at this age? I would be happy if I can find the time to buy my train tickets and plan for my journeys. Don’t we all have plans in life? I believe that in my sunset days, I will want to pass time just watching trains go by…but only for some days, not all the time, I am not that lazy and shaking legs.

An idea. Some stuffs are nice enough just as an idea. For an instance, it’s a nice idea to have an LED-lighted cubic chair in my house. Apart from this being a nice idea, is there any value-add to my house?…hmmm… Much too often, we fall into a trap, an idealised trap. Set by ourselves and perpetuated by the participants. We might be edged on by some who may not have chosen to tell us the truth right from the start, for fear of pouring cold water onto our idealised situation. At times I wonder, is that hallucination? When one refuses to see the truth, and yet insists on seeing a thought that is not in existence? I think, this is dangerous, for when will one know whether he/she is in the rightful realistic world. The future that this person sees may not be the same as what we see of this person. We could be seeing someone walking along the streets smiling gleefully, when all along, this person is seeing himself walking down the red carpet getting ready to receive a prestigious award……isn’t this scary when the worlds we see and perceive don’t match with each or one another?

At this point, I would like to highlight once again that, Vincent van Gogh’s art pieces represent a big part of me…the worlds we all live in.

Happy balloons. Do you see the tip of the tentage?……

Or, do you see only balloons?

……………………………
Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

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BBC E-mail: Finding joy in others’ hypocrisy

I saw this story on the BBC News iPhone App and I wanted to remember this article.

** Finding joy in others’ hypocrisy **
After a US judge held himself in contempt when his mobile phone went off in court, Charles Nevin wonders whether it set a dangerous precedent.
< http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22247396 >

** Disclaimer **
The BBC is not responsible for the content of this e-mail, and anything written in this e-mail does not necessarily reflect the BBC’s views or opinions. Please note that neither the e-mail address nor name of the sender have been verified.

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Assumptions

If you see me driving without any side passenger, would you conveniently assume that I am single and available?
If you see me eating alone by myself in the restaurant, would you conveniently assume that I am being anti-social?
If you see me eating MacDonald’s today, would you conveniently assume that I love junk food that much?
If you see me wearing clothes that are crinkled, would you conveniently assume that I don’t like to do housework?
If you see me so thin, do you conveniently assume I am anorexia?

How easy it is for people to jump to conclusions without personally taking the step to understand what has happened and what transpired such moments. How easy it is for people to make their gigantic assumptions about others without taking a step back to wonder whether they have brains to think logically. Seriously, to say the truth, I think people who like to make assumptions and conveniently jump to conclusions are stupid people. Really stupid intellectually. Why? Because their brains cannot function well. How is this supposed to be? Why not? Well, the truth is: An intelligent person will never jump to any conclusion without verifying the truth lest he makes a fool of himself when the truth is out.

Doesn’t it make the bloody sense that only stupid people jump???

It’s tough to trick a lawyer because the lawyer goes through the logical and deductive reasoning process and hence people who go through such thinking process will hardly make any mistake. Not perfect, but at least the rate of error is so much lower. As compared to people without such process, I think, it’s really a far cry, a Heaven and Earth scenario. Well, we have plenty of people who are just like that. Look around you, they may be just next to you. Assumption jumper. So funny, and they never test out their hypothesis. Just assume without a hypothesis??? No wonder they do not have any proper method. Duh!…

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

My mind is too active for me to get to sleep!

Oh dear, after an intense 10-hour session of writing, my mind is too active for me to get to sleep. Duh…If I know I can complete within the most a 15 to 20-hour period, why on earth did I drag this for so long? Ah…procrastination. I see, I am lazy as well. That’s what some people like to say about me. They forgot the fact I have so many other roles to play: full-time maid, full-time mum, full-time learner, full-time chef, full-time housekeeper, full-time CEO, full-time CFC (not KFC) …LOL. Yup, I take care of everything, big and small. However, my brain is still seemingly small despite my big and elongated head. There are things I might have overlooked on, and people just like to take this opportunity to jump at me: You didn’t do the laundry! You didn’t vacuum the floor! Lousy, lousy!

Oh really? Must I use my hands to wash all clothes till my hands bleed and develop bristle in order to be deemed as good? Must I use my strength and bionic eyes to make sure each corner of the floor and house is free of speck and dust till my back aches terribly, my eyes grow weary and my nose gets stuffy in order to be deemed as good?

For people who imposed such criteria on me in the past, to say the truth, I only wish for them to be taken away the soonest possible. Why? Because they viewed me as a woman who ought to shoulder ALL things in life, while deep down in their heart, no matter how they vehemently deny, they actually wanted to work me till death and they could shake legs in the process.

Just like those people who condemn other fellow believers who don’t observe the non-meat eating practices on Fridays, and those people who hope to accumulate good karma by not wanting to eat meat for all days…I am not saying everyone is like this, there are good ones around, nice white sheep, and there are baa-baa black sheep aka Pharisees! Heck…?

I am just like that, trash things out and I’ll be fine. It’s only when I don’t trash things out that things usually signify a turn for the worse. Why? I am not a good conversationalist, so I don’t have much words on a day-to-day basis. To gather energy to convert my thoughts to words require a tremendous strength on my part, which I don’t do it for everyone. It can be quite easy for me to just be cold and be like a computer, hang when I want to voice my displeasure.

Come on, it’s not that bad to be like a computer. LOL

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Amusing

I am happy for my friend that she landed in the job that she likes (for a change as well). I pray that she continues to excel in her new responsibilities and heehee, maybe I can pick up a tip or two from her 🙂

I am so looking forward to next week and thereafter! I think, it’s a time of reflection for myself and my me-time once again. At last! I need plenty of me-time. I cannot stand being stifled. With me-time, I get to think things through and clearly. Lately, I adopt the act of not tuning to my music in my drive. I just don’t want any sound distracting me and bringing me away from myself. Perhaps I yearn for a close time with God. I haven’t been bothering God for a long while! Day in day out, I’m just embarking all tasks as according to what I deem fit. However, due to my zombie state, sometimes I could be just moving with routine and without the heart. I ask myself, what’s the point? Yea, I am in a conflict. But I know how horrible it feels to be operating without a heart. And yet to feel with heart doesn’t allow me to make responsible and rational decisions. It’s a constant battle, to ascertain whether one should just be blind to things in life, or to insist based on principles.

We don’t know what games they are playing, and hence most of the time, we catch no ball. One who likes to interfere when there’s no business to. One who likes to conveniently assumes regardless of my self. One who thinks we are way beneath them to be participating in this ball game.

For the first one, it’s meddling and can be ignored. I usually take that they are singing. For the second one, it’s a snoop and weaker way of spying and in the process, a lousy way to make assumptions. For the third….it awaits to be seen.

Ah…dozing ZZZzzzzz

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Bullies?

I just find that it’s so ironic. And amusing. Someone who is a bully himself can be so concerned for the welfare of another who is being bullied by others. I really think, such a person is talking shit. Do you know how I handled bullies when I was young? It’s this side of me that people know little of. I was from the top class but I loved to mix with guys from the extended and monolingual classes back then. Why? Because these guys taught me very realistic ways to defend myself and stand up to others. Quit telling me about fairy tales of the bad will be punished. Quit telling me about cowardice stories of crying mama and papa. In this world of bullies, it’s survival’s instinct. And of course, it doesn’t mean that one needs to rely on punches and sorts. It depends on which bully you are dealing with. Sometimes, it’s worthwhile to behave and appear stupid so that people can let their guards down. Sometimes, it’s better to be sneaky and watch someone from afar and catch the person in action. Sometimes, it’s better to be firm and give the hell to the person. You need different tactics for different people. There’s no one size fits all.

Some people just don’t understand that some others just need to learn to stand up for themselves and not hide inside someone’s skirt. Regardless of your age. I wouldn’t be softhearted just because I care and love for the person. To me, one needs to be toughened out. And yes, the process is difficult. But does it mean since it’s difficult we find the easy way out by hiding in someone’s house? Duh. If that’s the case, life is difficult, might as well stop living now. What a foolish way to get the person a fish. If one wants the fish, give him the fishing rod, teach him to fish. Don’t just keep giving him the salmon he likes… Take an instance, I like sambal-chilli BBQ fish and kangkong. Since I can’t be always spending money at seafood restaurants, I whip the dishes on my own. Likewise for crabs and prawns and such. You just need to get up and find your own way. In life, it’s better to be tough. Because we encounter bullies everywhere, even in some people’s so-called family. Indeed, this incident just amuses me so much. A bully in reality would actually care for someone who’s being bullied. Yea, really? If that’s the case, the way this person handles is just a reflection of being weak. We all know that bullies are weaklings in reality. Oops, maybe some people don’t want to admit that!…

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Intense pain

Losing appetite as I am just too tired. It’s cumulative, I feel so sleepy!

Thank God that my dryer only spoils at this moment in time, just close to the tail end of the warranty period. Phew 🙂 and thank goodness that the service centre gave me a change of the motherboard, and with this new piece, I pray that my dryer will last till I decide to have a change. And I think, I should pray that my neighbour who stays somewhere upstairs will stop banging the walls when he fumes. It was that fateful day when he lost himself in anger that he hit his walls or floors or whatever for a few times and hence my dryer just stopped in the process!…and with my DVD player also malfunctioning just at this same moment, I can’t help but realise that perhaps our walls are really extremely thin…okie, and I actually have a loud BOOMING voice LOL. Oh my gosh!

Anyway, I just picked up a bargain for our new player and I will be exploring a new way to connect all my electronic items. Not a super hardware techie here, I think I would benefit with learning and exploring. I just need to read up more on the various ways. It’s easier to be a software techie, because software isn’t as expensive as hardware. I have to tread carefully on these lines. A wrong purchase will signify my lack of diligence. Hmmm….

I think I indeed have the tendency to cramp too many things into my life. It’s overwhelming for me, but yet at the same time, I see that all things should work out somehow. Am I being much too optimistic?

Maybe I don’t understand myself. I am confused. I am an optimistic person, yet at the same time, I do encounter depressing states. So what am I? Split personality disorder???….

Sigh…whatever…I am already dozing off…

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Avenue

I think I can be one of the Wondergirls. I keep wondering…why people behave in this way, why people say things in such a way, why people view life in that way etc…many more tons of things I wonder…not just about people.

Of course, I am more concerned with issues pertaining to the human. I am not an animal, neither am I a machine. I really do not understand many things. The values that we associate ourselves with, the logical sequence that we use to process our thoughts, the discipline that we can impose on ourselves. Why are there such great lapses and disparities?

Values – We all grow up with these, don’t we? I can’t recall my parents not teaching or inculcating me with these. I can’t recall my schools not emphasising us on these. Was there a problem with my memory, as what I realised with many people was there’s clearly a great absence of values in their lives?

Logical sequence – I am quite an untidy person. But I do not leave my things lying around. Eg. Leaving cups in the sink and not washing them, placing magazines on the tables and not keeping them. Don’t we all have a logical sequence of doing things and making things appropriate and right? If we can’t even see or go by this simple logical sequence, how would we be able to embark on greater things that definitely require logical sequencing as a form of discipline to help in mastery of concepts?

This leads us to discipline – I cannot recall my parents allowing me to run wild, and yet allowing me to do nothing positive for my future. I used to think that going to school was a waste of time, and the one good thing I could think of about schooling was: socialisation! Hence on days when I felt like socialising I would be in school. On days when I wanted to concentrate on my academics I would be at home…what an ironic situation! But never in my mind did I think of: Just enjoy and play.

What’s the issue here? Well, people lament, people whine, people criticise. Why do they lament when they do not put in effort for their best? Why do they whine when they are being told to put in more effort to attain their best? Why do they criticise others when they have not even put in their best for themselves?

I think, such people are just too free. They have plenty of time on their hands, so much so they keep having wandering minds (not just hearts, but eyes as well). I often think, they will be likely to achieve more if they put in their energy and effort, with sincerity on more work with a diverse range of learning scope. I would like to close my ears to such kind of people whom I have deemed as lazy in my eyes. I always find that there are so much more to learn and achieve in life. And being lazy is the straightest route to bring one to fossilisation. Stop doing–stop learning–stop living. I can’t imagine that. This is a total nightmare.

I have seen clever people taking the easier way in life and thereafter cease to excel. They just stop at that point in time. So my point is, if clever people stop excelling when they take short cuts, what would happen to people who don’t have that particular set of intellectual knowledge and yet still choose to take a short cut in life? I do agree, that momentarily one might encounter a speedy flight to a better start. But a better starting point doesn’t imply continuity and permanency. It’s the effort that one puts in thereafter that matters. It’s the same with potted plants. I may use the best fertilizer for my plant now, but I do not tend to the other factors such as water and sunlight, eventually, I cannot expect a permanency of my potted plants — that my plant would be thriving vibrantly.

Sometimes, I really feel like giving up. And say, whatever.

I know myself. When I say ‘whatever’, it usually means, ‘that’s the end of my heart’.

Sayonara!

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)

Discovered something and learning it!

After several months, I realised that I must have discovered something…and so I read up on it. Not so much as I could understand, especially when I read it late at night, after a fiery day of attacking my reads. And now my left brain hurts badly. Oh, migraine? I think so.

I think I read too much. I read all sorts of junks, and especially expository texts. Maybe that’s why I didn’t develop a part of me — I hardly read narratives! Blah, I remembered those days when I read them, I would skim through and flip the pages…what a great indication of the patience I had then!…

There are people everywhere. Oh, I just dislike the crowds. I wish for a vast space and silence. Ok, this doesn’t sound nice. I correct, I wish for a serene place with vast space…better? Even the high-end shopping malls in Shenzhen are not packed with people. Look at ours! Ngee Ann City?…oh dear, there comes my headache again.

Somehow, I feel like I’m in dark clouds again. It’s not that I am unhappy with anything. I just realise that I have another plan in 3yrs’ time. It seems so strange that I have several things to pursue at each stage of my life. I must have missed out a lot in the past! Anyway, I hope to plan well…something I can think in the month of May.

Bumped.

Like is always easier as there’s no need for me to tolerate nonsense. Love is harder as I must like ALL about the person, including his hairstyle and shape of his face! (Not to mention his intelligence and all other important aspects as well)