I love this photo. Sun rays shining through, whilst the surrounding seems all darkened. A ray of hope?
Some people told me I have been too kind. Too kind to the extent that I didn’t tell people off, and allowed some to continue to take me for a ride.
Some people told me I have been too gullible. Too gullible to the extent that I keep helping based on the stories some people shared with me.
Some people told me I have been too patient. Too patient to the extent I keep allowing some people to procrastinate against their growth.
So I asked myself, am I indeed being too kind, gullible and patient?
Perhaps I am, perhaps I am not. It depends on the receiver’s background and the observer’s understanding of me.
Kindness is important. Without kindness, I don’t see that our society can be lessened of its ills. Imagine a whole world of unkind people, how happy would your life be? But then, if people are unkind, how would they know what are the real feelings of being happy? Perhaps that’s why, I have seen people who keep complaining about things on life, while being so called “kind” to some others. I don’t like people who lament about life, who whine about this and that etc. These are mundane and meaningless, at least to me. And I absolutely don’t believe in what I see of such type of person’s kindness quality. It’s one thing to vocalise thoughts and ideas, but another thing to critique such as well. Anyway, I have met such people, and I wrote them out of my life. It wasn’t easy. Because I kept telling myself to give people a chance or chances. People who care for me, told me this: Stop giving people that many chances!
Okay. I need to thank the caring ones I have met in my life. Keeps reminding me, as they feel baffled with me.
Gullible…do you really believe in what you see and hear? Are you able to feel and sense? Well, for me, I don’t just see and hear. Yes, I see even the minute detail, but that doesn’t mean I take that into consideration when it comes to the big picture. Yes, I can hear very clearly, even with conversations located some 15-20 feet away from me. But that doesn’t mean what I hear is definitely the absolute truth. I feel and sense the speaker. Scary? Yes and no. For most, I don’t follow up with actions to let the speaker know what I know about him/her. I will just let you know, that I hear what you have spoken and I share your view. But some just keep wanting me to sing their tune. So, I may just do a checkmate.
Patience is a variable. Time waits for no man. The more I drag, the more opportunities I may missed. But when dealing with a person, shouldn’t I be patient? Not everyone is as quick as me, to be able to link all things up. And if I can see the future of all these links, shouldn’t I allow such people to learn from time to time? It’s a waiting game for some. But that’s not my game, and thus, the time they wasted isn’t mine either. There is no involvement from me. No investment. I don’t have vested interests either. Put it straightly, I am not bothered with the outcome of such people.
Well, I am thankful that I don’t live a life with such strange people. To them, I am the strange one, coz I don’t take their bait.
Currently watching this drama, which featured a lead who has problems articulating his emotions. And due to that, people saw him as odd, and specialists misdiagnosed him due to bias. Well, I could relate to this character somewhat. I am not good in articulating my emotions. To the extent that for a long period of time, I didn’t even know what emotions I was encountering. To be seen as normal, I also tried to have a pop idol in my teens, so that I looked somewhat normal. And of course, to try to have a teenage crush, so that I was a normal teen…looking back, I really only desired to have BFF. Not BF. So largely misunderstood coz the whole world seemed to only focus on BGR and thus only BF and GF existed in a co-ed relationship. I remembered being frustrated because no one really understood me. Thus, over time, I decided to just be quiet. Again. Quiet in my heart.
I watched dramas to learn how to feel and articulate my emotions and thoughts. Just like the lead in that drama who had to listen to podcast or watch videos to learn how to portray a certain emotion with facial expressions. I didn’t know how to articulate. It has become much better over the years. But of course, I am still lacking. Because half of the time, I really don’t want to do some things just to indicate I fit the norm. I have to accept, that I am not a norm.
Thus, when people ask me why I chose my current lifestyle, I don’t want to explain much. I tried to be normal, thinking that handsome and rich dude would make me normal. Well, I love to see eye candy, and that fellow being rich is a bonus. But things will go back to normal again, and I need my space and my Japan time again. Being with someone, I can’t do all these things without making the other party feel a great sense of disturbance. I don’t want to be accountable to another person. Likewise, I don’t want the other person to be accountable to me. I really need space.
It’s the feeling of space that excites me and alleviate my emotions. The feeling of freedom, that I cannot and will not want to trade for a relationship.