OIC

I love this photo. Sun rays shining through, whilst the surrounding seems all darkened. A ray of hope?

Some people told me I have been too kind. Too kind to the extent that I didn’t tell people off, and allowed some to continue to take me for a ride.

Some people told me I have been too gullible. Too gullible to the extent that I keep helping based on the stories some people shared with me.

Some people told me I have been too patient. Too patient to the extent I keep allowing some people to procrastinate against their growth.

So I asked myself, am I indeed being too kind, gullible and patient?

Perhaps I am, perhaps I am not. It depends on the receiver’s background and the observer’s understanding of me.

Kindness is important. Without kindness, I don’t see that our society can be lessened of its ills. Imagine a whole world of unkind people, how happy would your life be? But then, if people are unkind, how would they know what are the real feelings of being happy? Perhaps that’s why, I have seen people who keep complaining about things on life, while being so called “kind” to some others. I don’t like people who lament about life, who whine about this and that etc. These are mundane and meaningless, at least to me. And I absolutely don’t believe in what I see of such type of person’s kindness quality. It’s one thing to vocalise thoughts and ideas, but another thing to critique such as well. Anyway, I have met such people, and I wrote them out of my life. It wasn’t easy. Because I kept telling myself to give people a chance or chances. People who care for me, told me this: Stop giving people that many chances!

Okay. I need to thank the caring ones I have met in my life. Keeps reminding me, as they feel baffled with me.

Gullible…do you really believe in what you see and hear? Are you able to feel and sense? Well, for me, I don’t just see and hear. Yes, I see even the minute detail, but that doesn’t mean I take that into consideration when it comes to the big picture. Yes, I can hear very clearly, even with conversations located some 15-20 feet away from me. But that doesn’t mean what I hear is definitely the absolute truth. I feel and sense the speaker. Scary? Yes and no. For most, I don’t follow up with actions to let the speaker know what I know about him/her. I will just let you know, that I hear what you have spoken and I share your view. But some just keep wanting me to sing their tune. So, I may just do a checkmate.

Patience is a variable. Time waits for no man. The more I drag, the more opportunities I may missed. But when dealing with a person, shouldn’t I be patient? Not everyone is as quick as me, to be able to link all things up. And if I can see the future of all these links, shouldn’t I allow such people to learn from time to time? It’s a waiting game for some. But that’s not my game, and thus, the time they wasted isn’t mine either. There is no involvement from me. No investment. I don’t have vested interests either. Put it straightly, I am not bothered with the outcome of such people.

Well, I am thankful that I don’t live a life with such strange people. To them, I am the strange one, coz I don’t take their bait.

Currently watching this drama, which featured a lead who has problems articulating his emotions. And due to that, people saw him as odd, and specialists misdiagnosed him due to bias. Well, I could relate to this character somewhat. I am not good in articulating my emotions. To the extent that for a long period of time, I didn’t even know what emotions I was encountering. To be seen as normal, I also tried to have a pop idol in my teens, so that I looked somewhat normal. And of course, to try to have a teenage crush, so that I was a normal teen…looking back, I really only desired to have BFF. Not BF. So largely misunderstood coz the whole world seemed to only focus on BGR and thus only BF and GF existed in a co-ed relationship. I remembered being frustrated because no one really understood me. Thus, over time, I decided to just be quiet. Again. Quiet in my heart.

I watched dramas to learn how to feel and articulate my emotions and thoughts. Just like the lead in that drama who had to listen to podcast or watch videos to learn how to portray a certain emotion with facial expressions. I didn’t know how to articulate. It has become much better over the years. But of course, I am still lacking. Because half of the time, I really don’t want to do some things just to indicate I fit the norm. I have to accept, that I am not a norm.

Thus, when people ask me why I chose my current lifestyle, I don’t want to explain much. I tried to be normal, thinking that handsome and rich dude would make me normal. Well, I love to see eye candy, and that fellow being rich is a bonus. But things will go back to normal again, and I need my space and my Japan time again. Being with someone, I can’t do all these things without making the other party feel a great sense of disturbance. I don’t want to be accountable to another person. Likewise, I don’t want the other person to be accountable to me. I really need space.

It’s the feeling of space that excites me and alleviate my emotions. The feeling of freedom, that I cannot and will not want to trade for a relationship.

My creation ♥

Instead of painting, i unleashed my creativity in cooking. But well, there are times when it becomes autopilot for me, and I don’t feel that it’s my creativity time. That’s the problem with me. I learn fast, I do things fast, and then it becomes autopilot. I get bored. Seriously. And then, next.

Next what?

Being restless. 🙄

Activities, and including being with people.

I need moments of lone time. I need the mountain ⛰ I need the skies ☁️ I need the ⛩ somewhat similar. For me to paint 🖼

No wonder watching this saeguk series is just so comforting to me in a way…Lady Shin. I wish i can devote my time to painting and writing poetry too! Oh my…shall I do that? I think it’ll be good for my health too. Or for my sanity.

Recently, someone commented that I always look like an angel with my sense of style and my poise. Seriously, I don’t know whether I really feel delighted about this. Many have commented that I have been really very kind. I don’t know that. Maybe that’s the kindness that I have always thought as a norm. I may be hard-headed for some matters, but for most matters, I don’t let them get into my life. I see things very separately. And I handle all matters, including emotions, separately too. I am still as logical as ever. Yet I am also filled with emotions. Not emotional though 😌 I am never an emotional person.

Yes, I enjoy helping people. I think it’s very important to help people in life. Help need not only be in monetary form. Just being there for the person, or just letting the person knows that you understand… that matters a lot for the person in question.

I may not have the solution, though that’s seldom the case. But I recognise that not many accept my solution, despite that’s the most effective way for that situation. So i have learned not to force it upon anyone. Just give them the space to grow. Though time waits for no one as what I have seen, it’s for the person to decide whether he or she wants to grow at that moment. If one chooses to dwell, and be stagnant, what else can I say? Just not ready?…so who am I to speed up the process?

So, I have learned. We exist in different time. We grow at different rates. It’s okay.

There are times i feel sad too. Or maybe, down is the word. I am a happy person by nature, so being down is not a term I am used to, for long. But it’s important for me to feel it on and off, so that i can empathise.

It’s amazing. After all. If not for God, I don’t think i will be this strong. If not for God’s gift, I think I may be getting more stumbling blocks instead. I may have to think more seriously how I can use God’s gift to further help this world. After all, I am here with a purpose, with the calling. So, i will listen to God for further directions.

Along the way, I do recognise that there are distractions. Sometimes I allow myself to be distracted, so that i can experience a somewhat different routine. What about temptations?…There were times when I contemplated, but then, I guessed, that’s when we were just exploring the unknowns.

Was I?

Just as what I knew, back in my younger days, I mixed with some delinquents because I wanted to know the lifestyle…and i was never a delinquent. It’s just like a few years ago, I almost took a different path, not once but twice…New experiences opened up new thoughts and tolerances in my life. Though up till now, I still cannot understand how a person could have been so different from initial. But then, for me, it’s not a problem. Because I can see right from the first encounter. Don’t be alarmed. I don’t usually keep that in mind. It’s most often just a fleeting thought, i tucked it way at the back of my mind, and I am usually a forgetful person. However when things were to happen a second time, it would trigger that part of my mind, and the first sight would be retrieved, for me to know what I would do. I really wish, that I dont get to have such triggers.

I am thankful to know and be acquainted with very good people. Of course there are toxic ones around, they exist to keep a balance. And for me to appreciate my good pals more. I wish that I can have a better memory. But then, most of the times, it’s quite haphazard, and i forget who’s the next person to meet…and of course, i really need to have time for myself instead.

No one can understand this part of me. For most people, they really need people by their side. For me, i am happy to have people by my side. Just that i prefer to be by myself most often. But there are people who always misunderstood this part of me. They think that I really need someone to be with me. I have given up explaining this part of myself. While I am not a loner, I crave for personal time very much. Unbelievable to many. But that’s me truly.

And well, when i am ready again, I will get to meet you then. First of all, let me be back to the Land of my love…which I dont know when…

Having a skill

Have been cooking almost all my meals since the start of this year in Jan. Wasn’t feeling well in Jan, thus I had home cooked meals even for work. Then with late Jan/Feb, we saw an increase in the numbers of cases, i became even more wary – cooked all my meals. And with April onwards, we have been having full home-based meals hahaha 😆 not just home-based learning!

Fast forward, it has been 4 months since April. And kitchen has been my BFF 😄 likewise for the supermarkets I frequent! I enjoy cooking. Always enjoy it. Only if that’s my kitchen. Yes, it’s a holy place to me. I don’t like to have a shared kitchen. Or in fact, anything shared within my compound. To me, it’s important that I put the things I want and love to see in my house. Oh, does that include people? YES, definitely!

I have observed so much since my early years in life. All these keen observations have helped me in my life, along with the gift from God. But I know I couldn’t be selfish, and thus I use it regularly to help the people around me. Thank God that I am able to do so with His help!

I dabble in many different things.

Ask me to sew, no problem, I can do embroidery even.

Ask me to paint, yes of course, I can fill my place with colors if I want. And I can do copies of some of Da Vinci’s pieces, most of Monet/Rembrant’s pieces, Van Gogh’s pieces etc…but I can’t do Michaeangelo’s pieces! Totally can’t. I fail for that!

Ask me to fix, haha, yes I love fixing things up. DIY shops have always been my lovely shopping interest. And of course, I do enjoy fixing electronics even!

Ask me to cut hair, I still have much to improve on if I want to be sought after. Just basic haircut is fine for me, not anything fanciful though.

Ask me to cook, well, I can cook whatever delights I have, as long as I have the right ingredients. Thus, there have been so many times i refuse to step into a restaurant because I think they are overpriced! Since I can cook that dish, why on earth am I spending so much money to eat out for that same or similar dish? 😒 Only hurdle I have is, I don’t dare to cook crabs and slice squids…okay, I usually order such items coz i am not equipped with that courage… 😢

Ask me to write, yes I have tons of ideas and stories and philosophies etc. For adults, and children. Why not? I can also be the illustrator for my books.

Ask me to be a counsellor…i am hesitant. Someone commented that my voice brought smoothness and comfort to the heart of people who are in need of kindness. Have I evolved over the years? Maybe…but still, I don’t think I will excel in this. After all, I am an INTJ, I won’t be able to keep up with it in the long run.

Ask me to act. 😄 😄 😄 The world’s a stage!!!! I can do it seamlessly that at times, one may wonder whether i have schizophrenia! However, this is a double-edged sword. I have to remind myself, that by being in a certain role for too long may make me a hypocritical person. Thus i need to know, when to snap out of it. Anyway, yes, give me the script, I can do it.

So far, most of my skills are related to the Art or the Arts.

I did dabble in Computer Science. Basic programming I understand and able to do. Likewise for coding etc. But I am not brilliant in it, my brain hurts whenever I do programming.

I did try out Mathematics. All sorts of Mathematics. Built with logic, algorithms, formula etc. But same, my brain hurts after doing such things.

When I say my brain hurts, it really hurts, like a sudden but constant pull on the left side of my brain. And with that, I need a good sleep 😴 and I end up sleeping well due to my brain hurting… 😕 so is this good or bad?

Anyway, yup, it’s important to have a skill. Just one will be good enough. Who knows, you may end up having more? 😃

Last but not least, the most important skill I have, is: I see people. Is it something to be sad about? 🥴