Queer people

Some people are just queer.

I don’t know how to relate to queer people. I don’t know whether they are indeed queer, or they are just in camouflage. If it’s the former, I’m fine with them, I just leave them alone. If it’s the latter, then my behaviour towards them is dependent on my mood. Haha, I have my moods too!

Sometimes, I just like to say things to irritate certain people. Sometimes, I just like to do things to irritate certain people. Haha, it’s fun because it’s only to certain people JUST to see their reactions! Basically, how angry can I be? It’s tough for me to put aside some energy to be angry for a long time. I usually erupt and then the anger dissipates after a while. But I will be angry with blatant liars.

I dislike blatant liars. They are such pains in the arse. How can one behave in one way while conceiving some other plans? How can one still laugh and smile with you while making some exit plans? How can one proclaim that he/she cares deeply while condemning people who are happy?

I am very sure these people have difficulties sleeping. And I’m not talking about people whose sleep patterns are being disrupted. It’s about average people, with supposedly normal sleep patterns.

It’s interesting when people proclaim this and that, and yet they just don’t mean anything. At the end of the day, some people get disappointed, some people continue with false hopes, some people prefer to just accept the way it is.

Learn to take some words with a pinch of salt. Nothing is confirmed till the day of action. Talk is cheap, salespeople are eloquent and persuasive enough to ask you to buy their products, with some amount of training, it’s easy to talk. And voila! the connection.

I hear what the cult says. It’s hard not to detect rubbish speeches.



Hot hot weather!

The heat was unbearable for me today. I thought I could nearly faint because of that. The stale air, the scorching sun, and I forgot about my food!

Looking at my schedule, I’m super busy this year. I wonder whether I have enough energy and sufficient time to do so many different things. I think, my brain will definitely grow much in size this year, considering the amount of active neutrons with the introduction of new items into my life. I just need to ease into the routine, and thereafter the sequence should be fine and fruitful for us. At least that’s what I think so, and I do have the confidence. God is seeing us through each day and each step. And I pray for his continuance of blessings and guidance.

I have been very focused. And so far, I’ve been pretty happy with my progress and our progress. I don’t allow myself to be lazy. For matters pertaining to myself, and THAT matters a lot to me — dreams. I know if I am lazy, I will see repercussions in my close ones. I can just close both eyes, tell myself it’s very important to enjoy life and just relax. But at the end of the day, or year, do I have that sense of satisfaction? I like to take pride in my work, and my life, my dreams. I like the sense of ownership, that I can/should put in my best. Having said that, I also like the fact that I enjoy what I am doing. Enjoyment is important. I’m happy that I enjoy the things I am doing, hence I don’t find these as chores.


A Korean drama I will never forget: Goong (宫) Princess’ Hours

I can’t describe how much I really love this drama. Yes, it’s an old K-drama, almost a decade old. I just can’t and won’t forget this drama.

This drama brought me plenty of hopes and dreams when my life seemed so bleak at a certain point in time. Contrary to how I felt in a place which was supposed to be warm. I recall myself, as a stranger in my own place. Or perhaps, that was never my place. I was just a tenant there. It didn’t help the fact that our brains are just wired differently. For some years, I always thought that I wasn’t capable of developing romantic notions for people. I thought I was just a robot, dead in my feelings and emotions. I buried myself in anything, and everything, apart from being engaged in emotions. It’s quite a terrible emotionless period for me, for I really felt sad for myself at that time, that I wasn’t capable of loving anyone, wasn’t capable of being happy about my feelings, my dreams, my hopes. Life was without dreams and hopes then. Yes, I was a zombie. And that feeling was terrible.

No doubt that period was over, and done with, I still could recall bits and pieces of them. And surprisingly, I do remember more of the happier parts…largely due to the absence of the perpetrator who manipulated me. During those moments, I found out something about myself, about dreams and hopes. I found that I wasn’t one without emotions, without connection with anyone, without being attractive and being attracted. Imagine how I felt when I discovered this part about me. It was akin to stumbling upon an old hidden memory album……

I guess, I did enjoy the attention given. But because I live by my belief and faith, I decided to harden my heart and put these away. That was the saddest point in my life…at least so far… To do away with people who matter to you, to tell yourself to stay by the side of people who do not matter to you…how did I do it? I must have been a robot. Indeed.

Yes, that was the saddest point. But I have no regrets whatsoever. We meet up with different people at different point in our time. I want the freedom to choose whether I want to be connected with one, or the other. I don’t want to subject myself to being at the mercy of others, doing certain things just because I’m afraid that if I don’t do it, that person would lose connection with me.

I don’t want to be bound by choices. Rather, I want to be the one to see the choices and have the freedom to choose. Yes, I am so repetitive of myself, I want to remind myself, not to fall into the mundane routine of life. Just because everyone is doing it, hence I am also in it. That’s so constricting, and no freedom.

I wish to tell the one that I did not mean to leave without saying Goodbye.
I wish to tell that one I’m truly sorry for being curt. Curt is the way for me to stop you from asking me further.
For these two, I didn’t know how to deal with saying Goodbye. Saying Goodbye is tough, for people I care a lot. And I usually will tear. Aplenty. 尽在不言中.

Not surprisingly, there are people who I didn’t even want to say Goodbye. Because even a second of utterance is a complete waste of time and saliva.

Back to this drama. I appreciate people who give me the chance to grow. I’m after all, a growing person. I don’t want someone who is jealous of me, talks bad about everyone else, makes illogical reasonings and comments, highly competitive to everyone, a sore loser, blamer and genuinely, doesn’t know how to love. I believe that one needs to love oneself first before knowing how to love others, else the proclamation of love is just for agenda. But I also learn that there are people who only have the capacity to love only themselves. In so doing, I also become confused as to whether they do love themselves after all… Prince Shin was a hard ice to break, plenty of pride and not knowing much defeat in life. Prince Yul was warm to the heart because he connected with people. I think, it’s easy to connect with people, just a matter of choice. Maybe I am wrong. But at least, for myself, it’s a matter of choice. Chae-young made it her choice to cater to the icy prince. It’s so good to have the freedom of choice, without anyone breathing down your neck.

Well, so far, I have been advocating freedom of choice. But if it’s taken on its own, it does seem too much of a liberation movement, like the hippies, without restraint. With freedom of choice, responsibility accompanies it. Be responsible for the choice, because it is your choice.

I believe, when we are indeed responsible for our choice, only then do we feel that liberating sense of happiness, and peace.

I am responsible for making the choice to go away. I am responsible for making the choice to be curt because I don’t know how to say Goodbye. I am responsible for being curt to someone I find a complete waste of time and saliva and I am perfectly fine with that. Though the first two meant the saddest point in my life and that they happened at the same time, I feel happy and liberated because I am conscious of my responsibility for this part. It sounds ironic, that I felt sad and yet happy. Perhaps only a robotic person like me is capable of having such conflicting emotions and handling it ‘robotically’. Hahaha!

I wish to watch this drama for the fourth time…hahaha…but then…aren’t we usually attracted to newer things in life?


Flabby arms!

Hahaha, I have flabby arms! Oh well, age has indeed caught up with me. Can I age gracefully? =) The only thing I feel sad with age is my level of energy, which is already low to start with…LOL

But surprisingly, when there’s a push factor, some form of motivation, I can actually see a natural increase in my level of energy. Isn’t this interesting??? I must really like something/someone in order to put in my best. Yup, my BEST.

I am much happier these days. Most likely, the freedom to do what I enjoy is indeed a good factor for my level of happiness. But, I am not perfect, and hence I still have my moods once in a while…well, I am more like a robot, and I have ability to place my unnecessary wants away from my heart. To focus on the truest…sigh, is it really good to be like a robot? Sometimes, I find myself being disciplined to the point of irritating. I make a conscious effort to be disciplined as well. It’s not easy, because there are so many distractions in life and it’s always so easy to just 睁一只眼闭一只眼. But I really think, at the end of the day, it’s better to nip it at the bud. It can be upsetting. But since when is life plain smooth sailing?

Because I can see, hence I feel a burden. Because I can see, hence I try to help. Because I can see, people think I am just being meddlesome. For some, especially my close ones, I’ll give them my advice and I’ll paint the exact picture for them, because I love them so much. For those who choose to reject my advice, I am fine with it as well, because it’s a choice being made. And there is no way I can impose my advice on them if we don’t see eye to eye. I can only pray for them and be there for them. The only group I don’t understand is the group who expects you to provide advice, rejects your advices, insults your advices, and sneers at your advices. Oh well, I just don’t understand them, and I don’t think I need to understand them either. I will prefer to just let go, let them pursue the things they want, go through the process, discover about realities and ideologies. Experiential learning is important. I also have plenty of experiential learning. In fact, I find myself learning new things every day, new ways of handling things and people, new ways of tackling situations etc. Sometimes I find it annoying, sometimes I enjoy it.

The days have been cold, because of the rain. And I thank God for the water heater. Cheers!


Black and polka dots

Wearing black. Is my mood black as well?

Not really.

I am just tired. Physically tired. I want my me-time, catch up with my sleep, and such. Well, in this place here, is there anything really new?

What’s the point of fighting cats and dogs over things? Some people tend to react very emotionally towards things in life. And I wonder why. What’s the real issue? Why can’t they be more objective? I really dislike communicating with highly emotional people. They aren’t Homo sapiens with high emotional quotient. They are just basically plain EMO. Duh.

Does this help the heart to be stronger? I don’t know, because I have never been EMO before. And I’ve never been a person who operates on subjectivity. If I do, one thing for sure is: I would have manipulated people. Sigh, why don’t I? O_o

I just want to be clear to my conscience. No hidden agenda. I just want to achieve my dreams. And perhaps not all of my dreams would be achieved. I flipped one of the books I bought from Taiwan. That book suddenly reminded me of a long lost dream. I actually wanted to be an interior designer when I was in Primary Six! Oh gosh, what had happened to this dream???

Maybe that’s why I am always in the process of transforming my place. I just have to keep transforming so that I can see new dimensions. And of course, in doing so, I am unleashing my creativity. If ever I lose my creativity, I think…that’s really a loss of my brain. A big part of me. Now I understand why I cannot be stifled. Why I kept having those small box ‘enclosure’ types of dreams. Those are horrid.



Scarf: Neckerchief?

While I am typing this, I am indeed surprised that this word neckerchief is indeed recognised by the IOS. If this region has winter, then most likely I’ll be having the neckerchief with me.

Today is a super cold day. I didn’t realise that it’d been raining the whole day. I thought that for some moments I saw bright sun and had fresh air without the rain. Guess I was wrong…maybe I was too busy to notice anything.

I am busy everyday. I cannot afford to be lazy. And I don’t want to let laziness step into my world. However, I do ask myself at times what I am doing. I don’t really have a definite answer. All I know is I am doing what I like, and what I like may not be an easy route for me. Hohoho, am I torturing myself?

Well, if I am lazy, I will deem this as a torture. Since I’m one who always like to put myself to challenges, I shall deem this as an enhancement for my life. Shouldn’t it be so?

Wow, the Mediacorp 8 show at 7pm today is such a revelation of Xu Laifa and Chun Chun. Just like the sound of her name, it can be deemed as pure or foolish (depends on the tone). Some might just laugh it off, saying this episode is so drama, there is no existence of people like Xu Laifa. Well, in this world, there are many ‘Chun-Chun’s. I really don’t know whether it’s the heart that makes one pure or the mind that affects one’s mentality.

I don’t know the episode number for today 😦 It’s an episode that really amused me, seeing that it’s a reflection of reality. 夜市人生 is a nice drama……with very good values embedded in the script.


Mint green and khaki green

In shades of green. And I am not an army boy.

Neither am I jealous of anyone. I don’t have green eyes. 🙂

I believe in life, we cannot be lazy. If one is lazy, it’ll just spill over to all parts of the person’s life and the snowball effect will be seen in the later years of life. Well, some people just choose not to see it in this way. That’s their choice. I just don’t let their choice become mine.

Some people, regardless of the countless times you remind them, will still conveniently put your good words away. Worse is when they view your well-meaning words as some horrible truths that resulted in them being angry with you. Worst when you eventually leave your well-meaning advice for yourself (since it’s pointless to advise the person anyway) and the person says that you are just being a robot.

What am I saying? Do these affect me?……positively, I do even better. Negatively, it just makes me sad to know that there are just some people in this world who will think the worst of people who care about them. Hey, I don’t understand this. Really. And then, my little sister recommended a piece of article to me, I realized such a sickness exists indeed!

While I cannot comprehend and relate to how such people feel, I try to remind myself that being near to such people will bring them more pain than cheers. While I used to think that happy and positive people can help to alleviate the sadness of some, I noticed that most of the time, the ‘some’ just didn’t want to get out of the cycle. And hence, they remain in pain, cycle after cycle. Is this a conscious decision being made? In one way, I think, yes, they ought to know very consciously what they have gotten themselves into. But in another way, I think, they just cannot control themselves. They just lose their control. That’s it. And so they blame it on everyone around them, except themselves. Sigh, and yes, the cycle goes on and on.

I don’t like to live in circles. I don’t like to turn in circles. They make me giddy. And lose control of myself. Until I jump and hop as quick as I end my circles. So, that’s what I did. It’s almost unbelievable, but I did that. It’s an amazing feeling, and I did that.

Maybe I’m a rabbit, hence I was able to do so, by jumping and hopping to get out of circles. I don’t care even if I get myself dirty in the end, my clothes torn in the midst, my hair wet and sorts. My objective is very clear.

And that is to get out of the circles that make me giddy.


加油,朝着我的梦想走!Sent from my iPhone

I miss winter!

I think, I miss the winter in Hokkaido. Very much. I want to see the snow again. I want to walk in the snow, take the long winter walk, back to the place where I saw beautiful sights. I want to be there, breathe in the fresh air, talk and smile with the nice people. I want to eat the seafood there, all are fresh and yummy and so well-prepared with thoughts and presentation. They do not just doll up their items. They make sure that the packaging has a good purpose, apart from looking pretty. I admire their thoughts.

Sometimes, I do think that most of the time, while I toss and turn, I just cannot get certain things out of my heart. But well, I am one with many heavy responsibilities in life, hence I just have to place certain things aside first. I believe that there is no way I should allow myself to be distracted or lazy. It’s easy to be distracted, and be tempted. It’s easy to be lazy and just care lesser. And I think, it all just boils down to discipline. One must be disciplined enough to set the priorities right and follow them through. It’s not an easy road, life is not a bed of roses. But do we give up when we encounter thorns?

I believe that with hard work and perseverance, nothing is impossible. Only the lazy says that it is impossible.

I really dislike lazy people.
I wonder, why are some people just so lazy??? Most likely, they have been lazy since young. Whose fault is that? Whose responsibility is that?


In cream and mint with my lace top!

I super love this combination of winter wear. Okie, it may not look exactly demure, but the colours made me happy. I’m one who is very affected by colours and colours denote my mood. I like both strong and light colours. I just don’t really like dARk colours. It’s akin to dark personalities. I hate people with dark personalities: calculative, scheming, manipulative, petty, melancholic, narcissistic, depressive, self-destructive, greedy, lazy…oh my!…that’s quite a list. LOL. Well, I am not perfect, but at least I don’t go around telling people crying victim and wolf and saying some people only know how to shake legs. Hahaha…

I won’t ever forget the ‘Shake-legs’ comment. And I’m simply very glad, that this comment was something that God heard from the person who uttered to me in order to make the commenter looked better than I am. Be it whichever God one believes in, that God listens to all the words being uttered, and especially so when it was being uttered in that fashion. We always say, when you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing at yourself. So what’s the lesson to be learned? Keep your mouth to yourself and tell your comments to your God. At least God wont use such words back to you. Hahaha…