I can’t describe how much I really love this drama. Yes, it’s an old K-drama, almost a decade old. I just can’t and won’t forget this drama.
This drama brought me plenty of hopes and dreams when my life seemed so bleak at a certain point in time. Contrary to how I felt in a place which was supposed to be warm. I recall myself, as a stranger in my own place. Or perhaps, that was never my place. I was just a tenant there. It didn’t help the fact that our brains are just wired differently. For some years, I always thought that I wasn’t capable of developing romantic notions for people. I thought I was just a robot, dead in my feelings and emotions. I buried myself in anything, and everything, apart from being engaged in emotions. It’s quite a terrible emotionless period for me, for I really felt sad for myself at that time, that I wasn’t capable of loving anyone, wasn’t capable of being happy about my feelings, my dreams, my hopes. Life was without dreams and hopes then. Yes, I was a zombie. And that feeling was terrible.
No doubt that period was over, and done with, I still could recall bits and pieces of them. And surprisingly, I do remember more of the happier parts…largely due to the absence of the perpetrator who manipulated me. During those moments, I found out something about myself, about dreams and hopes. I found that I wasn’t one without emotions, without connection with anyone, without being attractive and being attracted. Imagine how I felt when I discovered this part about me. It was akin to stumbling upon an old hidden memory album……
I guess, I did enjoy the attention given. But because I live by my belief and faith, I decided to harden my heart and put these away. That was the saddest point in my life…at least so far… To do away with people who matter to you, to tell yourself to stay by the side of people who do not matter to you…how did I do it? I must have been a robot. Indeed.
Yes, that was the saddest point. But I have no regrets whatsoever. We meet up with different people at different point in our time. I want the freedom to choose whether I want to be connected with one, or the other. I don’t want to subject myself to being at the mercy of others, doing certain things just because I’m afraid that if I don’t do it, that person would lose connection with me.
I don’t want to be bound by choices. Rather, I want to be the one to see the choices and have the freedom to choose. Yes, I am so repetitive of myself, I want to remind myself, not to fall into the mundane routine of life. Just because everyone is doing it, hence I am also in it. That’s so constricting, and no freedom.
I wish to tell the one that I did not mean to leave without saying Goodbye.
I wish to tell that one I’m truly sorry for being curt. Curt is the way for me to stop you from asking me further.
For these two, I didn’t know how to deal with saying Goodbye. Saying Goodbye is tough, for people I care a lot. And I usually will tear. Aplenty. 尽在不言中.
Not surprisingly, there are people who I didn’t even want to say Goodbye. Because even a second of utterance is a complete waste of time and saliva.
Back to this drama. I appreciate people who give me the chance to grow. I’m after all, a growing person. I don’t want someone who is jealous of me, talks bad about everyone else, makes illogical reasonings and comments, highly competitive to everyone, a sore loser, blamer and genuinely, doesn’t know how to love. I believe that one needs to love oneself first before knowing how to love others, else the proclamation of love is just for agenda. But I also learn that there are people who only have the capacity to love only themselves. In so doing, I also become confused as to whether they do love themselves after all… Prince Shin was a hard ice to break, plenty of pride and not knowing much defeat in life. Prince Yul was warm to the heart because he connected with people. I think, it’s easy to connect with people, just a matter of choice. Maybe I am wrong. But at least, for myself, it’s a matter of choice. Chae-young made it her choice to cater to the icy prince. It’s so good to have the freedom of choice, without anyone breathing down your neck.
Well, so far, I have been advocating freedom of choice. But if it’s taken on its own, it does seem too much of a liberation movement, like the hippies, without restraint. With freedom of choice, responsibility accompanies it. Be responsible for the choice, because it is your choice.
I believe, when we are indeed responsible for our choice, only then do we feel that liberating sense of happiness, and peace.
I am responsible for making the choice to go away. I am responsible for making the choice to be curt because I don’t know how to say Goodbye. I am responsible for being curt to someone I find a complete waste of time and saliva and I am perfectly fine with that. Though the first two meant the saddest point in my life and that they happened at the same time, I feel happy and liberated because I am conscious of my responsibility for this part. It sounds ironic, that I felt sad and yet happy. Perhaps only a robotic person like me is capable of having such conflicting emotions and handling it ‘robotically’. Hahaha!
I wish to watch this drama for the fourth time…hahaha…but then…aren’t we usually attracted to newer things in life?