A GAP blouse I miss so much!

I miss this blouse, so I ransacked my wardrobe just to find this. Well, if I really like something, and want something, I’ll set my heart and mind to get it… Isn’t that me some light years ago???

I was so persistent to find a certain item, that I walked thru the town, all their outlets, just to find that item. I believe, up till now, only one friend remembers this incident. How I miss our days together! We’d so much fun then…though life wasn’t totally carefree then, we didn’t encounter much nastiness in the real world…and we were learning how to navigate the various web browsers, using Netscape Navigator (oh my goodness, that’s really ancient!) and using Internet Explorer…we spent a lot of time together, though in between someone came in between us…but I’m so thankful that up till now, we’re still the same friends!…

I really miss my friends…it’s just so comfortable to be with friends…no pressure…real friends.

I know I’ve to snap out of the Kdramas. LOL. The current one I’m watching really caught my eye for its storyline. Not those rom-com. In fact, the aspect of romance was quite lacking in this drama. But I totally love it. Because it exposed how real some people could be. Which of course, having encountered them, I do know that such people exist.

Sometimes I also wonder, if one can just reach home, eat, sleep and then go to work…day by day…how would you feel?

Maybe, after all, it’s good not to think. Just go with the flow, let life just brings you along. Really? In this way?… I don’t really have a definite answer for this. I’ll still trying to figure out myself. Maybe because up till now, I’ve not really wanted something so much till I can’t breathe…hahaha. Sometimes, I try to emote, and maybe that’s why I try to watch more Kdramas. I’m totally not a drama person, especially towards Rom-com. I like the detective kind, the analytical kind. Well…I need to prep myself right? And so watching such Kdramas is a preparatory course for me hahaha!

Seriously, I think this world has many unhappy people. Unhappy…regardless of anything in their life. They can be very rich, but feel empty and unhappy. They can be holding good posts, but feel empty and unfulfilled. They can be surrounded by their SO, but still feel empty and unhappy. They can be having many friends to laugh and gossip with, but still feel empty and lonely. Why? … I do not understand. Beyond my comprehension.

Most often than not, due to such states of emptiness and unhappiness, it resulted in them wallowing in some deep dark thoughts…and they start to scheme, plan, manipulate, abuse, coerce, ……

Maybe to me, things are simple. Just thinking of such people gives me headache. They keep telling people that they are happy…but you know deep down, they aren’t. They keep showing people they have this and that and they are being loved…but you know deep down, they aren’t. I’ve seen how people can just use a person when that person is living in delusion. Isn’t it easy? Just say the things that one likes to hear……

It’s true, we only want to hear what we want to hear. Hence we have selective hearing and attention span as well. Try listening to people…real people.

When we evade question, it’s done with a clear purpose. Whatever the purpose is, I actually think, the person who questioned would know. That is, provided that the person who questioned is courageous enough to face up to reality. But then, it’s human nature to cover up with plenty of excuses, not the time yet, not enough, not sure, not ready…At the end of the day, isn’t it more simple to say ‘I don’t want’?

I’ll get a knock on the head. People aren’t simple la. Why would they say ‘I don’t want’ in such a straightforward manner?! Ok, I’m a straightforward person. I don’t beat around the bush, waste time, play hide and seek, play peek-a-boo and such.

Ok, but lately, for some people and towards some people, specially, I’m considering an alternative approach.

I learn pretty fast…only when I want to.
No one can force me.

My dream: Smiling sweetly

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Military Jacket combination

Feeling quite hungry now. Maybe due to the rain. Maybe due to the lower intake of food. Maybe due to the lack of meat, namely chicken???

I really haven’t been eating very much since the surgery. Feeling faint once in a while. Chicken is the least heaty meat stuff for me. Though I love beef, I can’t be eating beef more than twice per week! And pork doesn’t increase my appetite 😦 Maybe I should drink the Essence of Chicken. But I’m so afraid that I might have a breakout!…sigh.

Are humans really so complicated in real life, akin to the ones depicted in the Kdramas? I am not a big fan of TVB serials because I utterly dislike and hate the message they spread across. I don’t like to watch such serials as they carry with them the blatant ideas of how a reality could be. And such ideas are being transformed into realities by the actions of those with a heart towards it. Just like if we watch too many romantic comedies, we will be influenced to really view all relationships as easy, spontaneous, fun and romantic. But are relationships really that simple in our world these days? … I beg to differ, though I try my best to view this world with my microscopic simplicity lens. I’ve learnt more often than not, there’s high percentage of people who definitely don’t view relationships in a simple way. Such people, I try my very best to steer clear of them. I don’t want them to pollute my mind.

Maybe this sounds as if I’m running away from the real world? Well, I still know and have many people of similar kind as me. So, I know I’m not alone. Though we don’t exist as the majority, we must try our very best not to be influenced and affected by the others. Things happened that shocked me, not that I didn’t expect, but more of ‘why was I being proven right’??!!?? I really get affected in some ways by this gift of ‘sight’. It’s scary.

Maybe due to such a gift, I always give more chance than anyone ever would. But it’s also due to such a gift, that makes me see too clearly, that in the end, I just tell myself, too tired, just cut it short and go straight to the point. The end.

In this way, I become less of a romantic at heart. Because I’m still too realistic in a certain aspect. Or, maybe nicer word, practical. Some days, I would be telling myself, ok, I’ll do that…and I really feel that I’m determined to do that because I’m convinced…but on some other days, I’ll just tell myself, oh ya, just forget it, I’ve better things to do and I’m on my way. So?…

I think, my final verdict is still the same: I’ve better things to do. Change is the only constant in life. Hence why must I just stop? Does the Earth stop spinning? Does our Sun stop rising? So, being a one-track minder will lead me to nowhere. I can be as focused as I want to be…on things I can achieve and want to achieve.

I don’t know. Maybe that’s how I feel now. Maybe I won’t feel this way in some days to come. Maybe. As usual, I’m changing. Haha. Sounds so strange to say that.

Anyway, things in this current world are strange as well. Just enjoy the strangeness? (^_*)

My dream: Merging with reality!

Sloppy top: Zara and Green Layered bottom: Martina Pink

I like these 2 items on their own. The sloppy top, reminded me to just take it easy and not be irritated by people’s ramblings of life. The layered bottom, reminded me that play is fun and relaxing!…

I have to realise that some people are really just fair-weather friends. Mainly, and sincerely, they don’t wish you well. I don’t know whether I should be thankful, that up till now, if ever I can still term this as ‘friendship’, I only know of one such person. Such people only want to see good things for themselves, hear good things about themselves, and towards others, they aren’t really concerned anyway…though they most probably are scared to be seen in such a bad light, so they try to camouflage their real feelings and hidden intentions. I really don’t know what’s wrong with such people.

When I was down and out, I knew who were there.
When I was forced to a corner, a dear friend extended her hands. When I almost suffocated, my friends were here with me, and they understood me.

I…may be blur, have a short-term memory, may not express myself very well…and I have photographic memory. With photographic memory came along senses and feelings. Seriously speaking, I don’t have much bad memories. Most of the people I know are sincere and happy people. Life is not a bed of roses, but they don’t whine themselves to death. We have our ups and downs, that’s why we lend our sincerely faithful heart and willing ears to our friends and loved ones.

Aiya, this particular track from AGD keeps playing in my mind. I finally completed AGD yesterday!…what a relief…LOL I don’t want to see JDG’s face…constant reminder of my recent episode. Oh was that still considered as recent? Should be history now…!

Now?…I just want to watch the dramas without much stress and attention. My attention span is actually quite short. So if I really concentrate, the drama better be something that I really like, or the lead casts must be those whom I adore…hahaha…

**** ****
~~~***~~~

(^_*!)

My dream: Merging with reality!

A new cardigan: Zara

Loving such a rest and relax look. I love cardigans, used to wear more of them when I first started working in the past. Somehow I stopped suddenly. Now, I’m back to wearing them again, but of a lighter material and not those knitted types anymore.

I think, I’ve reached my saturation point for Kdramas. I’m shifting back to the Jdramas. While K ones looked more enticing and appealing due to the highly romantic notions and their aesthetically pleasing lead casts, J ones present more depth in their content especially the part on EQ and beliefs. Maybe my heart is sold to the J since Day One and nothing else can change my opinion of them. I’m such a staunch brat in this way. Obstinate. I really believe in what I like, what I admire, what I want. Across all things. Unless something drastic happens, else my take is: once I believe what I like/admire/want, it’s hard for me to change my mind. Yea, a tough nut to crack.

Some tests of patience. I hope to see good results.

And this set will provide some guidance to me on the subsequent direction I might take…though it sounds so ridiculous, I might just want to take the chance to be naive.

My dream: Merging with reality!

Dress –> Tunic

I like to wear dress in the form of tunic. Maybe that’s because I’m one conservative fella over here…I don’t like to wear mini-skirts/mini dresses…I don’t even like midis…so you see? I’m a freaking conservative person. One that you most prob can find in ancient times, and not in this modern period.

Of coz, being a conservative person doesn’t mean that I condemn the rest of the world who are happily wearing the styles they like. I believe, that if you look good and feel good, even if you are being wrapped from top to toe, you’ll still be a stunner. Likewise if you don’t have that x-factor or elegance, whatever styles you don will look horrendous to the eyes of the fashionista.

Talking crap?…?…

Suddenly today, this talk about FT and such brought up a strange part of my memory. I noticed how people could be so timid after all, especially men. Most of them would brag about this and that, but when reality sets in right before their eyes, they suddenly try to escape this reality by shifting the area of focus on some other things. Avoidance?

I took a break from AGD because one of the main leads looked too familiar for comfort at this moment in time. It was too sudden for me. And of coz, this could jolly well signify that I would be more focused and not distracted in the years to come. Hohoho again. As usual I say this, but some strange fellow will pop out and introduce weird times into my life. To say the truth, I’m getting tired. I sincerely want to only be happy and enjoy and have fun. But why do we worry so much???…and care so much??? At the end of the day, I am responsible for myself, for my happiness and sorrows. I have the right to make my own decision as according to my own conscience. That is, provided I have one. And which I do know very well, I have one.

For people who trust me, I am very thankful that they choose to confide in me. I do feel for them, at times, I also don’t know how to help…but I think, at the very most, I can just offer a listening ear for comfort. And yet again, there are also some who shared with me stuffs that I find it abit sensitive at that level of relations. Maybe that person trusted me VERY MUCH. I don’t know.

Whatever, it’s a brand new day for me each day for now that I’m going through this phase.

Pray for good news 🙂

My dream: Merging with reality!

In cardigan, with leggings

Kdramas brought more tears to my life. I thought that with the previous drama, my eyes would dry up for the next. Well, the next is even worse (in a way) as that somehow brought back memories and resemblance of quite a number of events/encounters in my life.

And of coz, there’s also one of the lead actors whom I can’t give up watching because of his mesmerising eyes. But during this period, I’ve been feeling very down, hence I don’t know whether it’s good to watch this set of drama. But the resemblance is there…hence I’m indulging myself just for this set of drama.

My emotions?…a horizontal line for now.

My dream: Merging with reality!

Mirror Mirror on the wall!

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who’s the gigantic of us all???
The mirror replied,
It’s me, your humble servant
Haven’t you seen that there’s a mirror that zooms in 5x clearer???

Hohoho…I just ran into one. One gigantic mirror. I couldn’t believe what I saw and I began to understand what my derm, the sales and my friends have been trying to tell me now. Suddenly, I feel so silly. Maybe I want to attain perfection. I am a perfectionist, an idealist and a hopeless romantic at heart. Amazing expectations right? Well, these are great expectations.

Since young, my mum encourages me to read classic stories, Great Expectations was a title she strongly recommended. I think my interest in Literature grew because of her. Books were easily and readily available for us. From what I remembered, we had more books than toys and clothes combined!…

I am trying to find ways and time to zone out. I am just afraid that I might fall into the cycle of numbing myself to…everything. This recent episode of a ‘Gilbert’-retake is just so damn familiar and tiring. How I wish…that I could just zone out in future…wadeva.

I really feel like kicking myself this time round. But what’s the use of doing that, right? Even if I had been more positively responsive, there’re simply too many things on my plate. I just need time and peace. Yes, I need plenty of time. Because I like to be alone and I like to think things through thoroughly. And thinking things through doesn’t mean that I can just set aside such time to do so. It’s all dependent on various factors. I know it sounds crap, and mostly sounds like an excuse…BUT it’s true. To me.

But well, what else can I say now?

For now…I’ll just indulge myself with that series. The one with his lookalike! At last I think what I’ve said in the past, much earlier on was true. I found it. And I lost it.

My dream: Merging with reality!

Plain Jane

I like to put on casual wear. Once in a while, I do like to look good and formal, BUT not everyday.

I think I’m still feeling giddy. Most likely due to the numerous weeks of fish-only diet for me. Actually, I love fish a lot, and wouldn’t mind going on just fish diet. But if I keep having giddy spells in this way, I don’t think I can cope. Or maybe, it’s more than that…due to my low mood.

I don’t know how long it will take. It’s tough for me at this point of time. And I don’t verbalise it much as I find that silly. I wish that I can just forget ASAP. But to say the truth, how to forget???…

Well, maybe it’s just nice, just timely for me to concentrate on my more important stuffs.

That time in Thailand, exactly a whole decade ago. I remembered writing something on this during that time. Where was my writing???

My dream: Merging with reality!

A sense of loss

Maybe for a moment.
Maybe for this moment.
Maybe for this lifetime?… I definitely hope not.

As what I said, if it happens twice, similar factors, right before me, then yes, that’s for me. I will miss no second about that.

But now, why do I feel such a sense of loss? It’s definitely hard…to cope…at least for a period of time. But I know myself, it’s easy for me to just block out and choose to be a zombie…

The question is, do I want to be a zombie?

Sudden sense of loss. I’ve already thought of this moment, since it seemed to be quite evident during the past few months. So, this was expected. An expected outcome. Yes I feel sad. But what else can I do? I know this is an excuse. I’ve grown timid, because we have been through situations.

Time will fly, right? Time will always fly, right??
Perhaps I can just close my eyes, and there I am, 3 years from now.

How am I going to spend the 3 years??? What do I expect thereafter???

Since I’m in this state of loss, and sadness, just let me be in this way, let me just keep to the routine, be drowned with the noise, be lost in the crowds…a state of decadence?

I don’t want to think and feel anymore. This has been tiring. Being a zombie is much better!…

(heartfelt gifts from loving people who exist in a part of the globe where I love so much!) — seeing these gifts of love helped to lift up my spirits, maybe it’s a reminder that I have forgotten about them because they are too far away…and yet where physical distance is not an obstacle, we tend to come up with many excuses until it’s too late…I, for now, am burying both, so that memories will always remain sweet…in my heart.

I want to cry. But…what do I really cry about?
Me being silly?…it’s not just me, I think. If it’s me, then what happened in March??? Didn’t you know of your plans then?……

My dream: Am I in my dream?