An episode away from home

My app didn’t manage to load many of my writings, since last year till this current moment. And while I try to understand and find my missing writings, I am at the same time trying to pen down my current thoughts. Oh well, such a confusion to me. Back to the past while trying to understand the present? 😐

An episode I had while far away from home. Went to see a doctor. Initially I wanted to check myself into the hospital…I knew I would have the drip AGAIN. And sure enough, in the clinic, I had my drip. Thankfully, thereafter I was able to have some good and proper meals… It was a real scare. But then, how many scares have I encountered all throughout? 😱 I have been through several rounds of surgery, been through admission to get drips and such… 😐 Sat on wheelchairs, rolled in to hospital operating theatres… Saw the bright light bulbs in the theatres 😐 Coldness. Yup. I went through them all.

I don’t know how to describe the feelings and thoughts. Maybe I am just numbed to all sensations. Maybe I froze?… Just like if someone were to be attentive to me, I would freeze too. Why? Because I am not accustomed to such sensations. 

I still think, it’s better for me to just enjoy my #metime. Things get too complicated and tiring and I don’t want to hear too many voices. I just want to travel and visit the places I love. I don’t think I can ever be ready. I have never been ready. So why would I just suddenly become ready? Impossible…I have never ever really wanted to have shared space shared time…and I don’t compromise or pretend. Thus it is just so hard. I can’t expect people to give in to me, right? I can really be very “bullish”, and this won’t help me in my life and in my growth.

I don’t want to keep considering and putting myself away. Maybe this is my first year of getting back to myself. And thus I feel so overwhelmed with what I could and would have done. I have put away my wants and loves far too long. To the fact that I seem to have forgotten…the existence! And thus I need strength. I can’t handle my emotions. Strong emotions. And that’s bad for my health. For in a way, this may result in undue stress. 

I am not all perfect. And thus I wish people don’t expect much from me. I have my weaknesses too. And as much as I want to do my best, to my conscience, I may choose to do otherwise too… coz after all, I am a human and not a robot. Why can’t I fail in some aspects? Why can’t I just pursue what I want?

Thousands of thoughts. Just which one is mine?