Crossroads once again

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When I am deciding between two choices, or a few choices, and I can’t make a clear decision…I know that I am standing at the crossroad…and the wisest decision at the time would be: Not to make any decision. Why? Because I have yet to make up my mind, and yet to understand much…if I were to decide at the time itself, most likely, that would be a lousy decision, regardless of whether that choice works out for me in the end. For if it works out for me, I’m sure I’ll still bear much regrets…in a way. If it doesn’t work out for me, oh well, I’m pretty sure I definitely won’t make a haste decision while standing at another crossroad some years later…

We only live once. YOLO. No, no I’m not those advocating the absolute freewill of YOLO. After all, whatever decisions we make, whatever steps we take, we do affect the people around us in big or small ways…and thus, my greatest consideration is: my loved ones.

How do I determine my loved ones? Hmm….that’s a tough question to answer. For I do not want to sound as if I am giving the model answer. Be it whether the answer is my family, or whosoever, I believe that the loved ones comprised of people whom I have included in my daily prayers (not those once-in-a-blue-moon prayers). My loved ones are those whom I have been praying fervently for. My loved ones are those whom I have submitted to God for protection and blessing. Why? Because I fear God.

Since young, I’ve seen how prayers work effectively…in my life. I am scared. Because I don’t want to pray for the wrong things. I want to be careful in the matters that I’m praying for. I always tell myself, my problems aren’t too heavy for me to handle because I have God, thus I don’t want to trouble God with each and every piece of my fears/thoughts/stress…hmm…actually, this is quite redundant. For God is the God Almighty, what makes me think that He cannot be ….multi-tasking????

I remembered a pastor once said, God is interested in whatever thoughts we have. So go ahead, let Him know each and every moment…He’s happy to hear from you.

Haha…

When I was young, I spent more time with God. Somehow in my 20s, I became kind of distracted, and thus I lost my way. A very grave mistake. Perhaps I was disappointed, discouraged? Having said that, it wasn’t anything important…The only thing is, I didn’t get to smell more flowers back then. For it used to be my childhood dream to be in different countries…and to settle down in the country I love.

Perhaps, in my younger days, I had no idea about my love. Thus I wasn’t able to make any concrete decision. And thus I was easily distracted. Had I been sure back then, I would have prayed fervently…Interestingly, I could also pray to God for help to make a decision…why didn’t I, in the past???

It’s me being willful back then. I knew it, during those moments, but I refused to pray. Thus…I deviated…further and further away…and I entered into a storm which I had to bear consequences of my deviation/willfulness.

Picking up bits and pieces, I have to admit, I cannot put the blame onto anyone, but myself. It was painful, but I have to be truthful to myself. I belong to no one, except God. So if I am not truthful to myself, how can I face God? It’s only when I face God with the truth of myself, I get to experience moments of liberation…and to be a better self eventually, for myself and for my loved ones.

Right now at the crossroad, I can’t imagine the kind of journey I would like to have. I can tell myself: It’s fine, let’s have Kdrama all the way; Learn from your Jdrama ~ Life is about putting in your best; YOLO so go and get everything!

Hmm…maybe my choices are silly. And thus whatever I can tell myself are just silly. Or maybe I am not of a proper mindset to make a wiser choice. But what is a wise choice? Is it just simply to think for my loved ones?

Sometimes, I get to the point of giving up. Giving up to make a decision. And to do anything about it. That’s when I submit my choices to God, and let Him plan my life for me. This time round, maybe I have been too busy praying for many other matters, I haven’t been giving this matter a deep thought. And it’s not just this matter, but also some other Plans A, B, C etc…haha…too busy…

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Am I serious?

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Do I even need to learn Kanji when I know how to recognise and write the characters? Hmm…maybe this seems to be redundant. But perhaps I just want to really pronounce the characters in the Japanese intonation and not the Chinese form. It’s not that confusing. I can switch between Japanese and Chinese pronunciation of the Kanji — I just need to be more focused enough. Train your mind, you will see the view you want.

It’s tough work, for I don’t need this as my daily work. And to do this revision on my own…I must be mad currently. Too many things on my plate, and yet I am still looking out for things to occupy my otherwise mundane lifestyle. Well, it’s important to find time to do the things you enjoy and love. Don’t you think so? I have been quite a hermit these days, for I couldn’t overstretch myself to fit into the time I want to spend with others. It’s tough to be a hermit, for sometimes, I do question myself a lot. What if I just continue to be in my shell?

Chasing 2 different Kdramas at the same time, after the end of the Jdrama I’ve been watching in early Aug. I still love the Japanese dramas, just nice, the number of episodes are usually about ten. I don’t have to sacrifice too much of my beauty sleep just to watch them. And at the end of the day, I ponder upon the message they bring across in the drama. Yes, it’s very idealistic, most Jdramas have happy endings. Or perhaps, I choose to watch dramas with meaningful messages and happy endings. This is very true. I choose very carefully most of the time. Except for that one fatal time. Maybe 我的心地太善良了? 哈哈!

I love period dramas way too much. However, the current Kdrama that bears similar content as the Chinese BBJX, I must say, it’s just fluffy. Maybe BBJX is fluffy. I only caught BBJX on and off, I don’t follow romantic series. Fantasy it may be or seem, it’s just not for me if they don’t add in some interesting historical or scientific plot…However, I have to admit that it’s a breeze watching such dramas like BBJX and the current similar Kdrama…really doesn’t take up much of my brain cells. On the other hand, I enjoy the drama that talks about the manga and double universe. Wooed over! Haha! Absurd as it may seem, but I think it’s mentally stimulating as I try to figure out the patterns…lol…still remember the absurdity of QIHM…

As of now, current fav is still the drama which I watched last Oct and ended only this Feb. Sure enough, this is by far and large the only Kdrama I love that doesn’t place its focus on romance or science. It deals with politics mainly. Not those gossipy politics which we know in the current world, but the 爱国为国为人民 kind of politics…and because of this drama, I read up furiously on their history…okie, maybe I am kind of obsessed. For I still want to visit Korea again and be back in the palaces again. Haha…I definitely do not belong to this current society.

Maybe after all, this is a fantasy.

How many languages can I absorb???

Too many wants, too little time.

As always. I need to prioritise.