When I am deciding between two choices, or a few choices, and I can’t make a clear decision…I know that I am standing at the crossroad…and the wisest decision at the time would be: Not to make any decision. Why? Because I have yet to make up my mind, and yet to understand much…if I were to decide at the time itself, most likely, that would be a lousy decision, regardless of whether that choice works out for me in the end. For if it works out for me, I’m sure I’ll still bear much regrets…in a way. If it doesn’t work out for me, oh well, I’m pretty sure I definitely won’t make a haste decision while standing at another crossroad some years later…
We only live once. YOLO. No, no I’m not those advocating the absolute freewill of YOLO. After all, whatever decisions we make, whatever steps we take, we do affect the people around us in big or small ways…and thus, my greatest consideration is: my loved ones.
How do I determine my loved ones? Hmm….that’s a tough question to answer. For I do not want to sound as if I am giving the model answer. Be it whether the answer is my family, or whosoever, I believe that the loved ones comprised of people whom I have included in my daily prayers (not those once-in-a-blue-moon prayers). My loved ones are those whom I have been praying fervently for. My loved ones are those whom I have submitted to God for protection and blessing. Why? Because I fear God.
Since young, I’ve seen how prayers work effectively…in my life. I am scared. Because I don’t want to pray for the wrong things. I want to be careful in the matters that I’m praying for. I always tell myself, my problems aren’t too heavy for me to handle because I have God, thus I don’t want to trouble God with each and every piece of my fears/thoughts/stress…hmm…actually, this is quite redundant. For God is the God Almighty, what makes me think that He cannot be ….multi-tasking????
I remembered a pastor once said, God is interested in whatever thoughts we have. So go ahead, let Him know each and every moment…He’s happy to hear from you.
When I was young, I spent more time with God. Somehow in my 20s, I became kind of distracted, and thus I lost my way. A very grave mistake. Perhaps I was disappointed, discouraged? Having said that, it wasn’t anything important…The only thing is, I didn’t get to smell more flowers back then. For it used to be my childhood dream to be in different countries…and to settle down in the country I love.
Perhaps, in my younger days, I had no idea about my love. Thus I wasn’t able to make any concrete decision. And thus I was easily distracted. Had I been sure back then, I would have prayed fervently…Interestingly, I could also pray to God for help to make a decision…why didn’t I, in the past???
It’s me being willful back then. I knew it, during those moments, but I refused to pray. Thus…I deviated…further and further away…and I entered into a storm which I had to bear consequences of my deviation/willfulness.
Picking up bits and pieces, I have to admit, I cannot put the blame onto anyone, but myself. It was painful, but I have to be truthful to myself. I belong to no one, except God. So if I am not truthful to myself, how can I face God? It’s only when I face God with the truth of myself, I get to experience moments of liberation…and to be a better self eventually, for myself and for my loved ones.
Right now at the crossroad, I can’t imagine the kind of journey I would like to have. I can tell myself: It’s fine, let’s have Kdrama all the way; Learn from your Jdrama ~ Life is about putting in your best; YOLO so go and get everything!
Hmm…maybe my choices are silly. And thus whatever I can tell myself are just silly. Or maybe I am not of a proper mindset to make a wiser choice. But what is a wise choice? Is it just simply to think for my loved ones?
Sometimes, I get to the point of giving up. Giving up to make a decision. And to do anything about it. That’s when I submit my choices to God, and let Him plan my life for me. This time round, maybe I have been too busy praying for many other matters, I haven’t been giving this matter a deep thought. And it’s not just this matter, but also some other Plans A, B, C etc…haha…too busy…