My current favourite mouthwash!


Oh my! I am raving so much about this mouthwash that I am currently using. I simply adore it! My usual routine of flossing my teeth, brushing my teeth and with the latest addition of using this mouthwash, I can indeed find that my mouth is getting rid of many unwanted stuffs inhibiting my teeth and gum. So thankful that there’s this particular mouthwash that doesn’t really bite. Listerine bites, but it’s also good for my use, especially when I want to get rid of bacteria that affects my mouth. I don’t use Listerine on a daily basis…

I seriously don’t like the way how some guys try to hit on me. Am I flattered? Okay, given my age, I should feel flattered right? Maybe some people will think I am being such an ungrateful brat. Must I reciprocate people’s fairy-tale feelings towards me? I don’t see the need to…But neither do I want to offend anyone. It’s quite tough in a way. Just that I can’t be outrightly rude. Right? Come to think about it, the last time I did have romantic thoughts about someone was…hmmm…5-6 years ago? It was somewhat mutual, but then, circumstances were so different during those years. I had too much to cope, and my priorities were very clear. Was I very focused on my responsibilities back then. Yes, I was. Very. Clear.

I did tell myself that such moments like that would come and go. Having said that, of course we don’t fall for people every now and then, that would have been an addiction. Yet at the same time, I am of the view that…it’s alright to just let go of those feelings when my circumstances do not permit. I was very clear, that my years earlier on did not permit me the liberty to make multiple commitments. I would have really gone berserk and not accomplished anything well at all. Thus I chose to let go.

I wondered, did I tell myself that there would always be moments like this? And now I am wondering, how many of such moments would I be encountering? It’s not as if I am still in my teens or 20s. Would there be any regret on my part subsequently?

I don’t want my decision to end up as just an excuse for me to recover from my stifling past. I just want to develop more of myself. And my decision should not be a reflection of any escapism.

What sort of vibes do I give to people in my social circle?
What sort of vibes do I give to others who aren’t in my social circle?
I just hope that people don’t misunderstand.

For me…I think I will recognise…when I am all smiles…


Childhood dreams


A pair of shoes which delighted me in each step I walked.
Polka dots, ribbon and yellow.
Such simple designs make me happy.
There is no need for blings.

Do I have a simple life? Simple is all in the mind. Haha, wow such deep thoughts?…I guess, I have simple style. I am just so not into trendy stuffs. Neither am I a conservative by the way. So what am I? I am me.

One of my childhood dreams is to have a piano. And yes indeed, I will choose the one I like, and I’m going to put in my heart for the pieces I love. Yes, I love composing my own music. But I want to learn beyond that. I can do only the melody, but I need the entire piece. So what can I do? Play by ear? Hmmm

I always marveled at how affordable the pianos are, over in Japan. The same Kawai set will cost twice here…which is a sad thing for me. But then, piano prices seem to have dropped quite a bit over these years, so it’s highly likely that I shall get my first love after all…Music…is the key.

Quite intrigued with how I can appear to look so bloated over the years. Either I have been eating too well (too much most likely!) or I have been getting aplenty of water retention. Oh dear! 😱😱😱 Anyway, yup I still get random people asking me whether I’m a Korean…strange right? In the past, people thought I am a Japanese…and now Korean in recent years? Well, I really have to say that I am all natural. While I don’t think that I am a beauty in any way, I do think that my features do resemble some of the Koreans and Japanese. I have always love the Japanese. No doubt there are black sheep as well, I’ve encountered more kinder and generous ones…and yes, I do agree that having some good looks or nice features do help alot in getting things done…be it in local areas or overseas. And sometimes, having the features of a Korean also help too, when it comes to being “fierce” and insistent…thus i usually get things solved…

When I was younger, I thought of the world as being simpler. And thus I never ever thought of making the best of what I have or capable of…… Now, I am very much aware. Am I sad about such realisation? I have to remind myself, never to exploit or make use of people for my own benefit. Sometimes, it can be all too easy to just manipulate…but then, I don’t think I can do that for long. Coz it’s just not my nature. I don’t grow up in such an environment. Perhaps that’s why, in my earlier years, I looked more like a Japanese instead…

I’m still very manga, of which I think when I let down my guards, that’s when people see more of the real me. I try not to be manga, because I don’t want to be exploited. When I’m happy, I’m actually very manga. But the thing is, I’m more often happy than unhappy…thus it’s kind of stifling for me not to behave manga. Over the years, I have evolved. To the extent that I don’t show my manga self. Often.

I hope I get to establish more good and real friendships this year. I understand, that with all relationships, it’s a compromise based on willingness. Apart from chemistry. Yes, we need chemistry in friendships too, not just for romance. I shall try not to be such a hermit. Can I lessen my me-time? I’m still not keen…it’s all too comfortable for me to fall back onto my me-time. It’s hard to accommodate. In daily life. For travels, I think I have no problem with that. But I also want to do my own travels. Me-time travels. I find it very exciting to travel on my own, and getting to places, encountering new experiences… I like to socialise. But not over here. Hmm… maybe because in other countries, I need not show any commitment to maintaining friendships and such? I mean, I won’t get to see them so often as in monthly, weekly or daily right?… i prefer to maintain long distance friendships in a certain way. But people may not be of similar view as myself. Oh well.

I think in addition to my claustrophobia, I have many other phobias as well. They aren’t scary, and I have found ways to manage them…😂 If I can’t make up my mind, I freeze and not decide. If I love the items so much, I either get all or none. If I cannot commit, I just don’t…contact. 😄😄😄 These may be just my many naive ways of handling. But at least it’s better than I make a mess, right?

And for very important decisions, I can actually take a range of 4 hours till many years later…Yes, I can wait. As according to my preference. For my own decision. I would very much prefer myself to be convinced and remain committed to my decision, than to have a half-hearted mind about my decision…

So. Until. I. Decide. Clearly.
May take forever.



Freedom is such a scarce commodity. Do you know that?

I value and treasure freedom. I dislike having to go according to what the mainstream wants. Maybe I am a rebel. I usually do the opposite. But then, it could be I am the odd person. And thus no one else will follow my train of thoughts. Nevertheless, do I mind? Nope. I am perfectly fine with this. I don’t need the entire village. In fact, I can’t be bothered with this. I have never liked to let myself be tied down. To anything. To anyone. I hate that. Yes, absolutely. And thus, I think, I need to follow my own instinct. The more I try to rationalise, the more excuses I come up with. Excuses, yes indeed they are. Just that I may choose not to recognise them as excuses. I can say they are my reasons. The reasons why I am the way I am. But then, those are actually excuses. Which I may have never discovered it. Or maybe I may have never wanted to reveal it.

Freedom is extremely precious to me. Maybe it’s my recurring dream of the past, where the box just became smaller and smaller, tiny and tinier…Or voila! replace it with a room, becoming smaller and smaller…until I woke up in sweat! See? I need freedom. And thus I cannot imagine…the loss of it.

I have hardly done something just solely to please someone. Not that I don’t love them, but just that, the very thought that if I have to go and please a person, is this person really my close one? I may not know how things work in this world, but I believe in simplicity. And thus, needless to say, I tend to simplify things…Which may seem to be disastrous for some. But I have no wish to delve further in the deeper thoughts and meanings behind it. If I don’t seek to please, I know it means nothing much to me. But when I choose to please, I am decided, I have made a choice. So, I have to produce more actions based on my decision. Actually, it’s easy to make a decision. Just that I am being too greedy…I like the color Blue, but I don’t like this shade of Blue. I think that White goes well with Black, but I cannot imagine having to take care of White. I find Gunmetal Grey strong-looking, but I think it’s boring to some extent. I think Black is stylo-milo, but I can’t handle the birdshit that come as a package….oh well, hard to please right? My decision…My Freedom to make.

And yeah, I have been taking extremely long time. I am unable to commit.

I just don’t have the urge to commit…In whatever ways. So…please don’t force me.

Gotta chill and have some ice soda.

Nonsense? Yeah…maybe.

It’s just a joke


Tried the food in this restaurant during its insanely and unearthly time of the day. While I didn’t consider the meal fantastic, I would say it wasn’t bad after all. I would dine there once again, if opportunity presents itself.

It’s just a joke. Do you get it?
That’s what I think so. And of course, with that, I have an altered mindset. There’s nothing much to be too serious about. While I look serious, sound serious, I’m in fact…not so. Looks are deceiving. Do you get it?

Of course, I can choose to laugh and joke all day long, if I want. If I choose. Laughter is good, for health. But are jokes indeed good for the health? I don’t know. And I have no wish to deceive myself. I usually don’t get jokes well. But I do dark jokes very well. I guess, my sense of humor is dark. Yeah, dark theme. And now, Halloween is here, just nice for the theme, right?

I believe, most of the time, it’s the human pride that disallows one from being truthful to oneself. Note this, it’s being truthful to oneself, thyself, thy ownself. Not to others — for I believe that a large number of people are indeed not being truthful to others, but that’s not the point I am making here today. How many people will readily admit to his or her ownself, that yeah, I have failed in this area, I am weak in this area, I need help in this area, I am unable to do this and that…? I will say…most likely 90% will not readily admit these. But that doesn’t mean the 90% will not admit it thereafter. For most people, we keep trying and trying. Most of the times, we tried at least once. Thereafter we tried twice. Then thrice…Then so on and so forth. Before we realise it, we are at the bottom of the pit, going towards nowhere – unable to get out and unable to further our path.

So what’s my point? I don’t like such feeling. I don’t like to keep trying and trying, and losing my sense of self. Or perhaps I am more materialistic. When I lost my sense of self, how would I be able to contribute effectively in the realistic sense? I don’t like to lose my sense of self regardless of the environments I am in. But I believe, it’s very crucial for us to determine the point at which we stop trying, and get real.

Is it because of a human pride, or because of a human love, that causes one to keep trying and trying…till the verge of collapsing, and despite all things pointed out that there’s hardly any positive vibe you can encounter? I don’t know. I have always and most often been a bystander…I don’t like anything negative. And not just don’t like, I don’t want anything negative.

I don’t think it’s healthy to have a lifestyle like that. Dealing with lies, excuses and then be covered with false hopes and such. Maybe this is an effective way of tying a person down, but then, this certainly doesn’t work for me. Unless it’s done in my favour, dealing for my best interests. Else, a negative environment will only lead me to realise, that yes indeed, everything is just a joke. And for that, I also let the situations become a joke.

Some people understand, thus they play as according to the rules. Some push for extension of boundaries…If things are a joke, are there any rules? Will there be boundaries drawn? Wondering…For i have aplenty to discover and learn. It’s amazing how at times you happened to bump onto certain people, and this one such person needs you…at that particular moment. Most often, I walk along the streets…and well, I really bumped onto people (not strangers) and they shared with me…much of their stressful moments.

A friend told me, that I’m very suitable to be a counsellor. I heard this a number of times. But up till now, I seriously don’t think so. Or perhaps, I was being told by someone who said I was cold…and thus I didn’t think I was ever suitable to be a counsellor?

But well, I have never thought of being a counsellor. Social worker, yes. DJ, yes! … A very much forgotten ambition I used to have. And which I didn’t share with many people…

Because I have so many varied ambitions in the past, I seriously don’t think that one has to be a manager or sorts in order to be known as successful in life’s career choices. I think…being a hairstylist/artist/theatrical performer is successful as well. So long as it’s our passion, and we love what we are doing.

Always find the meaning of your true love. That’s what I tell myself. For where there’s no meaning to it, there’s no love. With no love, no hope.

Others may deem it as a joke. But they aren’t living in my life.

I think, therefore I am


Gardens of nature.
Pretty flowers.
Gift of hope.

A swing by the side.
Lovely cushions.
Great comfort.

I can’t describe better. The fact that I feel so comfortable in my dwelling place. It’s indeed a blessing. That my friend was the one who led me to God when we were still so young. Ironically I didn’t attend his church.

My dwelling place. And exactly as what I have prayed for. And best? The agent told me he didn’t want any commission from me. How good is this? I definitely didn’t believe my ears when he said that. And thus I asked him whether he was sure. Oh, hahaha. I gathered, that’s because it’s the house that God has prepared for me.

Sometimes, this may be what I want, for I pray about the item/matter at that moment in time. However, I do ask myself, some time down the road, would I feel the same again? Will my feelings change? Will my perspective change? I long to see myself as being one who is steadfast. But in this world where we are separated by oceans and seas, why wouldn’t we be as fluid as water? And bearing in mind, a large proportion of our body contains water too…

I don’t like to torment myself by having a flip-flop in my decisions. I am swift and decisive. And once I make up my mind, I don’t think I will waste any more time. The problem now is, reaching the stage where I am already decided. I know that, be it whatever matters, I just go head on…just to reach my goals. My objectives. Hmm…so now I ask myself: What’s my objective? What’s my goal?

I couldn’t be bothered with many things in life that takes me away from my focus. So, what’s my focus? Have I shifted?

Right now, I have the energy to think about some serious questions. But yet, I just want to spend some time, to just think about nothing. I know…it’s like…finally.

I am of this mindset: I think, therefore I am. So what do I want to be? Who is my role model? What decisions should I make? I have to think…

Oh…I better get back to my learning…

😌 … Thinking.

Crossroads once again


When I am deciding between two choices, or a few choices, and I can’t make a clear decision…I know that I am standing at the crossroad…and the wisest decision at the time would be: Not to make any decision. Why? Because I have yet to make up my mind, and yet to understand much…if I were to decide at the time itself, most likely, that would be a lousy decision, regardless of whether that choice works out for me in the end. For if it works out for me, I’m sure I’ll still bear much regrets…in a way. If it doesn’t work out for me, oh well, I’m pretty sure I definitely won’t make a haste decision while standing at another crossroad some years later…

We only live once. YOLO. No, no I’m not those advocating the absolute freewill of YOLO. After all, whatever decisions we make, whatever steps we take, we do affect the people around us in big or small ways…and thus, my greatest consideration is: my loved ones.

How do I determine my loved ones? Hmm….that’s a tough question to answer. For I do not want to sound as if I am giving the model answer. Be it whether the answer is my family, or whosoever, I believe that the loved ones comprised of people whom I have included in my daily prayers (not those once-in-a-blue-moon prayers). My loved ones are those whom I have been praying fervently for. My loved ones are those whom I have submitted to God for protection and blessing. Why? Because I fear God.

Since young, I’ve seen how prayers work effectively…in my life. I am scared. Because I don’t want to pray for the wrong things. I want to be careful in the matters that I’m praying for. I always tell myself, my problems aren’t too heavy for me to handle because I have God, thus I don’t want to trouble God with each and every piece of my fears/thoughts/stress…hmm…actually, this is quite redundant. For God is the God Almighty, what makes me think that He cannot be ….multi-tasking????

I remembered a pastor once said, God is interested in whatever thoughts we have. So go ahead, let Him know each and every moment…He’s happy to hear from you.


When I was young, I spent more time with God. Somehow in my 20s, I became kind of distracted, and thus I lost my way. A very grave mistake. Perhaps I was disappointed, discouraged? Having said that, it wasn’t anything important…The only thing is, I didn’t get to smell more flowers back then. For it used to be my childhood dream to be in different countries…and to settle down in the country I love.

Perhaps, in my younger days, I had no idea about my love. Thus I wasn’t able to make any concrete decision. And thus I was easily distracted. Had I been sure back then, I would have prayed fervently…Interestingly, I could also pray to God for help to make a decision…why didn’t I, in the past???

It’s me being willful back then. I knew it, during those moments, but I refused to pray. Thus…I deviated…further and further away…and I entered into a storm which I had to bear consequences of my deviation/willfulness.

Picking up bits and pieces, I have to admit, I cannot put the blame onto anyone, but myself. It was painful, but I have to be truthful to myself. I belong to no one, except God. So if I am not truthful to myself, how can I face God? It’s only when I face God with the truth of myself, I get to experience moments of liberation…and to be a better self eventually, for myself and for my loved ones.

Right now at the crossroad, I can’t imagine the kind of journey I would like to have. I can tell myself: It’s fine, let’s have Kdrama all the way; Learn from your Jdrama ~ Life is about putting in your best; YOLO so go and get everything!

Hmm…maybe my choices are silly. And thus whatever I can tell myself are just silly. Or maybe I am not of a proper mindset to make a wiser choice. But what is a wise choice? Is it just simply to think for my loved ones?

Sometimes, I get to the point of giving up. Giving up to make a decision. And to do anything about it. That’s when I submit my choices to God, and let Him plan my life for me. This time round, maybe I have been too busy praying for many other matters, I haven’t been giving this matter a deep thought. And it’s not just this matter, but also some other Plans A, B, C etc…haha…too busy…

Am I serious?


Do I even need to learn Kanji when I know how to recognise and write the characters? Hmm…maybe this seems to be redundant. But perhaps I just want to really pronounce the characters in the Japanese intonation and not the Chinese form. It’s not that confusing. I can switch between Japanese and Chinese pronunciation of the Kanji — I just need to be more focused enough. Train your mind, you will see the view you want.

It’s tough work, for I don’t need this as my daily work. And to do this revision on my own…I must be mad currently. Too many things on my plate, and yet I am still looking out for things to occupy my otherwise mundane lifestyle. Well, it’s important to find time to do the things you enjoy and love. Don’t you think so? I have been quite a hermit these days, for I couldn’t overstretch myself to fit into the time I want to spend with others. It’s tough to be a hermit, for sometimes, I do question myself a lot. What if I just continue to be in my shell?

Chasing 2 different Kdramas at the same time, after the end of the Jdrama I’ve been watching in early Aug. I still love the Japanese dramas, just nice, the number of episodes are usually about ten. I don’t have to sacrifice too much of my beauty sleep just to watch them. And at the end of the day, I ponder upon the message they bring across in the drama. Yes, it’s very idealistic, most Jdramas have happy endings. Or perhaps, I choose to watch dramas with meaningful messages and happy endings. This is very true. I choose very carefully most of the time. Except for that one fatal time. Maybe 我的心地太善良了? 哈哈!

I love period dramas way too much. However, the current Kdrama that bears similar content as the Chinese BBJX, I must say, it’s just fluffy. Maybe BBJX is fluffy. I only caught BBJX on and off, I don’t follow romantic series. Fantasy it may be or seem, it’s just not for me if they don’t add in some interesting historical or scientific plot…However, I have to admit that it’s a breeze watching such dramas like BBJX and the current similar Kdrama…really doesn’t take up much of my brain cells. On the other hand, I enjoy the drama that talks about the manga and double universe. Wooed over! Haha! Absurd as it may seem, but I think it’s mentally stimulating as I try to figure out the patterns…lol…still remember the absurdity of QIHM…

As of now, current fav is still the drama which I watched last Oct and ended only this Feb. Sure enough, this is by far and large the only Kdrama I love that doesn’t place its focus on romance or science. It deals with politics mainly. Not those gossipy politics which we know in the current world, but the 爱国为国为人民 kind of politics…and because of this drama, I read up furiously on their history…okie, maybe I am kind of obsessed. For I still want to visit Korea again and be back in the palaces again. Haha…I definitely do not belong to this current society.

Maybe after all, this is a fantasy.

How many languages can I absorb???

Too many wants, too little time.

As always. I need to prioritise.

Love for Musical


It has been some while since I last watched a proper musical. I’ve always loved plays and musicals, having been a lover of classical literature in my younger days. But somehow I evolved over the years, developing taste for philosophical readings and such…to the fact that I prefer non-fiction to fiction. Well, I shall continue to evolve, right? I shan’t and don’t stay constant in time. I have never been a constant, despite my outer portrayal. The only constant is God in my life.

And thus this musical is a great reminder to myself. Of God’s grace and mercy. Of God’s goodness and power. Despite my happy-go-lucky nature, I do have my moments of sadness…not unhappiness…but sadness…or maybe I feel down? I tend to feel down when I am surrounded by negativity. Some may pretend to be positive, but then, their negative selves keep weighing me down. I feel drained. And for that, I want to escape. How do I escape? By leaving.

Leaving things behind. Leaving memories behind. Do I have to go through such moments time and again? Is there a better resolution to face the reality? I don’t like negativity. I really don’t like. For in my life, apart from those years of dark clouds and my mum’s condition, I am mostly surrounded with positivity…thus I feel stifled when I encountered negative energy. I. Simply. Don’t. Like. It.

I know, some may say, grow up please, this world isn’t going to go the way you want, thus stop thinking that this place is heaven. I cringe…why do people have to make this world so ugly???

A friend pointed out a very wise truth. I know I feel sad about the truth. But yet at the same time, I think the truth may only exist in whatever way we want to think and see. If you think I am mad, yes that’s the truth to you, for in your mind and heart, I am mad…so that’s a truth to you and for you.

I know I have stopped explaining myself to most people, as I have known many who just want to think in whichever way they want of the situation. Not many people are keen to see from your point of view. Many just like to insist on their own. And yes, their view is the perfect view. Oh well, being quiet is better. Really better. In this way, let them think whichever way they want, and at the same time, there’s no need for me to waste my energy.

I may have to really consider properly. Where are my thoughts? What do I want? What do I enjoy? What does God want of me?

As of now, I have not received any direction from God. I believe that God does not want me to be distracted. Maybe I am trying to plan too much. Remember I have Plan A, B and C? What do I really want?

It isn’t often that I feel down. Thus, perhaps in a bid to feel more like a human, I need to indulge in such moments. Else, to many others, being happy is indeed something that is mad. So I must feel down to be normal. Is this what I am supposed to feel?

Perhaps I have not been getting plenty of me-time and thus I feel so down and stifled. I really don’t know. I would think it will be tough…to adjust to a different pattern. If I were to share a time and a common space. But…it may not be tough after all, if I am the willing one…

So at the end of the day, the decision lies with me. And perhaps that’s why I feel so drained. I don’t like to make major decision, but this is my life, I have to take ownership for myself. I don’t just go with the flow. Just because everyone is having that, and thus I am and should be having that as well. That’s not me.

I strive to live in the way I want. And thus, I have to take proper time to ascertain…what I really want.

Think properly…Be as true to myself as possible…

Do I want a mundane lifestyle? But well, I can’t take it if it’s too much of an adventure.


Favourite drink!


Can’t believe it that this drink actually is my favourite, toppling Gingerale and A&W’s Rootbeer! Fell in love 2 years ago with this, and there isn’t any substitute for it. Not even Mitsuya Cider! Considering how much of a Japanese-minded person I am. To me, drinking Chilsung Cider, eating kimchi and seaweed, feasting on BBQ meat…hmm…these are lovely moments! Oops…I am such a glutton. I guess, I really cannot go on any diet. Diet will create depression for myself. I may not be someone who’s picky with food, but I love eating…

Having said that, I still love Japanese cuisine…and I sincerely think that Japanese cuisine fits my physics very well…even the rice…! Been developing allergy towards most rice, except the Japanese rice grain. I think I just have no choice, but to allocate more money in this area. Sooner or later, I will do more revamping to my food purchases. Having more time to prepare my ingredients during the weekends will be something I am looking forward to. Especially to develop my special recipe 😄😄😄😄😄 This excites me a great deal!

I told myself, I must eat the Kobe beef again! And beef with sake/beer goes real well! But of course, I may just end up going into deep sleep 😴😴😴 Thus, unless I am very comfortable with the companions, I don’t drink at all.

And in recent years…I realize that my ancestry has mixed blood…my aunties have either Japanese or Korean looks…no wonder…! Ok, looks like I need to really make a proper decision. Improve my Japanese. Start learning Korean. Ooh…but I am not a Kpop lover…most likely I will feel real odd in the class 😒

Years passed by. Can we stop the time? While hearing nice words, will they last? I want to age elegantly, and with joy to face each day. There were several times when I almost got distracted…and of course, I reminded myself of my priorities. I don’t compromise. And that’s regardless of age. Love doesn’t stop simply because one grows old.

However, I am just so comfortable with my lifestyle that it’s difficult for me to make new adjustment. I just need aplenty of me-time. Me-time. And me-time…😐😨😵😜 Am I being greedy? 😂😂😂

I still think I am more suitable to be a nomad. But of course, in reality, it’s hard to be one. So what can I do? Travel around…there are so many different encounters…it’s uplifting and each time I learn something about myself 😨😶😎

How I wish I own a 町屋! That’s the type of house I thought I lived in when I was very much much younger…🎆🎇🌘❓