It’s just a joke

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Tried the food in this restaurant during its insanely and unearthly time of the day. While I didn’t consider the meal fantastic, I would say it wasn’t bad after all. I would dine there once again, if opportunity presents itself.

It’s just a joke. Do you get it?
That’s what I think so. And of course, with that, I have an altered mindset. There’s nothing much to be too serious about. While I look serious, sound serious, I’m in fact…not so. Looks are deceiving. Do you get it?

Of course, I can choose to laugh and joke all day long, if I want. If I choose. Laughter is good, for health. But are jokes indeed good for the health? I don’t know. And I have no wish to deceive myself. I usually don’t get jokes well. But I do dark jokes very well. I guess, my sense of humor is dark. Yeah, dark theme. And now, Halloween is here, just nice for the theme, right?

I believe, most of the time, it’s the human pride that disallows one from being truthful to oneself. Note this, it’s being truthful to oneself, thyself, thy ownself. Not to others — for I believe that a large number of people are indeed not being truthful to others, but that’s not the point I am making here today. How many people will readily admit to his or her ownself, that yeah, I have failed in this area, I am weak in this area, I need help in this area, I am unable to do this and that…? I will say…most likely 90% will not readily admit these. But that doesn’t mean the 90% will not admit it thereafter. For most people, we keep trying and trying. Most of the times, we tried at least once. Thereafter we tried twice. Then thrice…Then so on and so forth. Before we realise it, we are at the bottom of the pit, going towards nowhere – unable to get out and unable to further our path.

So what’s my point? I don’t like such feeling. I don’t like to keep trying and trying, and losing my sense of self. Or perhaps I am more materialistic. When I lost my sense of self, how would I be able to contribute effectively in the realistic sense? I don’t like to lose my sense of self regardless of the environments I am in. But I believe, it’s very crucial for us to determine the point at which we stop trying, and get real.

Is it because of a human pride, or because of a human love, that causes one to keep trying and trying…till the verge of collapsing, and despite all things pointed out that there’s hardly any positive vibe you can encounter? I don’t know. I have always and most often been a bystander…I don’t like anything negative. And not just don’t like, I don’t want anything negative.

I don’t think it’s healthy to have a lifestyle like that. Dealing with lies, excuses and then be covered with false hopes and such. Maybe this is an effective way of tying a person down, but then, this certainly doesn’t work for me. Unless it’s done in my favour, dealing for my best interests. Else, a negative environment will only lead me to realise, that yes indeed, everything is just a joke. And for that, I also let the situations become a joke.

Some people understand, thus they play as according to the rules. Some push for extension of boundaries…If things are a joke, are there any rules? Will there be boundaries drawn? Wondering…For i have aplenty to discover and learn. It’s amazing how at times you happened to bump onto certain people, and this one such person needs you…at that particular moment. Most often, I walk along the streets…and well, I really bumped onto people (not strangers) and they shared with me…much of their stressful moments.

A friend told me, that I’m very suitable to be a counsellor. I heard this a number of times. But up till now, I seriously don’t think so. Or perhaps, I was being told by someone who said I was cold…and thus I didn’t think I was ever suitable to be a counsellor?

But well, I have never thought of being a counsellor. Social worker, yes. DJ, yes! … A very much forgotten ambition I used to have. And which I didn’t share with many people…

Because I have so many varied ambitions in the past, I seriously don’t think that one has to be a manager or sorts in order to be known as successful in life’s career choices. I think…being a hairstylist/artist/theatrical performer is successful as well. So long as it’s our passion, and we love what we are doing.

Always find the meaning of your true love. That’s what I tell myself. For where there’s no meaning to it, there’s no love. With no love, no hope.

Others may deem it as a joke. But they aren’t living in my life.

I think, therefore I am

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Gardens of nature.
Pretty flowers.
Gift of hope.

A swing by the side.
Lovely cushions.
Great comfort.

I can’t describe better. The fact that I feel so comfortable in my dwelling place. It’s indeed a blessing. That my friend was the one who led me to God when we were still so young. Ironically I didn’t attend his church.

My dwelling place. And exactly as what I have prayed for. And best? The agent told me he didn’t want any commission from me. How good is this? I definitely didn’t believe my ears when he said that. And thus I asked him whether he was sure. Oh, hahaha. I gathered, that’s because it’s the house that God has prepared for me.

Sometimes, this may be what I want, for I pray about the item/matter at that moment in time. However, I do ask myself, some time down the road, would I feel the same again? Will my feelings change? Will my perspective change? I long to see myself as being one who is steadfast. But in this world where we are separated by oceans and seas, why wouldn’t we be as fluid as water? And bearing in mind, a large proportion of our body contains water too…

I don’t like to torment myself by having a flip-flop in my decisions. I am swift and decisive. And once I make up my mind, I don’t think I will waste any more time. The problem now is, reaching the stage where I am already decided. I know that, be it whatever matters, I just go head on…just to reach my goals. My objectives. Hmm…so now I ask myself: What’s my objective? What’s my goal?

I couldn’t be bothered with many things in life that takes me away from my focus. So, what’s my focus? Have I shifted?

Right now, I have the energy to think about some serious questions. But yet, I just want to spend some time, to just think about nothing. I know…it’s like…finally.

I am of this mindset: I think, therefore I am. So what do I want to be? Who is my role model? What decisions should I make? I have to think…

Oh…I better get back to my learning…

😌 … Thinking.

Crossroads once again

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When I am deciding between two choices, or a few choices, and I can’t make a clear decision…I know that I am standing at the crossroad…and the wisest decision at the time would be: Not to make any decision. Why? Because I have yet to make up my mind, and yet to understand much…if I were to decide at the time itself, most likely, that would be a lousy decision, regardless of whether that choice works out for me in the end. For if it works out for me, I’m sure I’ll still bear much regrets…in a way. If it doesn’t work out for me, oh well, I’m pretty sure I definitely won’t make a haste decision while standing at another crossroad some years later…

We only live once. YOLO. No, no I’m not those advocating the absolute freewill of YOLO. After all, whatever decisions we make, whatever steps we take, we do affect the people around us in big or small ways…and thus, my greatest consideration is: my loved ones.

How do I determine my loved ones? Hmm….that’s a tough question to answer. For I do not want to sound as if I am giving the model answer. Be it whether the answer is my family, or whosoever, I believe that the loved ones comprised of people whom I have included in my daily prayers (not those once-in-a-blue-moon prayers). My loved ones are those whom I have been praying fervently for. My loved ones are those whom I have submitted to God for protection and blessing. Why? Because I fear God.

Since young, I’ve seen how prayers work effectively…in my life. I am scared. Because I don’t want to pray for the wrong things. I want to be careful in the matters that I’m praying for. I always tell myself, my problems aren’t too heavy for me to handle because I have God, thus I don’t want to trouble God with each and every piece of my fears/thoughts/stress…hmm…actually, this is quite redundant. For God is the God Almighty, what makes me think that He cannot be ….multi-tasking????

I remembered a pastor once said, God is interested in whatever thoughts we have. So go ahead, let Him know each and every moment…He’s happy to hear from you.

Haha…

When I was young, I spent more time with God. Somehow in my 20s, I became kind of distracted, and thus I lost my way. A very grave mistake. Perhaps I was disappointed, discouraged? Having said that, it wasn’t anything important…The only thing is, I didn’t get to smell more flowers back then. For it used to be my childhood dream to be in different countries…and to settle down in the country I love.

Perhaps, in my younger days, I had no idea about my love. Thus I wasn’t able to make any concrete decision. And thus I was easily distracted. Had I been sure back then, I would have prayed fervently…Interestingly, I could also pray to God for help to make a decision…why didn’t I, in the past???

It’s me being willful back then. I knew it, during those moments, but I refused to pray. Thus…I deviated…further and further away…and I entered into a storm which I had to bear consequences of my deviation/willfulness.

Picking up bits and pieces, I have to admit, I cannot put the blame onto anyone, but myself. It was painful, but I have to be truthful to myself. I belong to no one, except God. So if I am not truthful to myself, how can I face God? It’s only when I face God with the truth of myself, I get to experience moments of liberation…and to be a better self eventually, for myself and for my loved ones.

Right now at the crossroad, I can’t imagine the kind of journey I would like to have. I can tell myself: It’s fine, let’s have Kdrama all the way; Learn from your Jdrama ~ Life is about putting in your best; YOLO so go and get everything!

Hmm…maybe my choices are silly. And thus whatever I can tell myself are just silly. Or maybe I am not of a proper mindset to make a wiser choice. But what is a wise choice? Is it just simply to think for my loved ones?

Sometimes, I get to the point of giving up. Giving up to make a decision. And to do anything about it. That’s when I submit my choices to God, and let Him plan my life for me. This time round, maybe I have been too busy praying for many other matters, I haven’t been giving this matter a deep thought. And it’s not just this matter, but also some other Plans A, B, C etc…haha…too busy…

Am I serious?

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Do I even need to learn Kanji when I know how to recognise and write the characters? Hmm…maybe this seems to be redundant. But perhaps I just want to really pronounce the characters in the Japanese intonation and not the Chinese form. It’s not that confusing. I can switch between Japanese and Chinese pronunciation of the Kanji — I just need to be more focused enough. Train your mind, you will see the view you want.

It’s tough work, for I don’t need this as my daily work. And to do this revision on my own…I must be mad currently. Too many things on my plate, and yet I am still looking out for things to occupy my otherwise mundane lifestyle. Well, it’s important to find time to do the things you enjoy and love. Don’t you think so? I have been quite a hermit these days, for I couldn’t overstretch myself to fit into the time I want to spend with others. It’s tough to be a hermit, for sometimes, I do question myself a lot. What if I just continue to be in my shell?

Chasing 2 different Kdramas at the same time, after the end of the Jdrama I’ve been watching in early Aug. I still love the Japanese dramas, just nice, the number of episodes are usually about ten. I don’t have to sacrifice too much of my beauty sleep just to watch them. And at the end of the day, I ponder upon the message they bring across in the drama. Yes, it’s very idealistic, most Jdramas have happy endings. Or perhaps, I choose to watch dramas with meaningful messages and happy endings. This is very true. I choose very carefully most of the time. Except for that one fatal time. Maybe 我的心地太善良了? 哈哈!

I love period dramas way too much. However, the current Kdrama that bears similar content as the Chinese BBJX, I must say, it’s just fluffy. Maybe BBJX is fluffy. I only caught BBJX on and off, I don’t follow romantic series. Fantasy it may be or seem, it’s just not for me if they don’t add in some interesting historical or scientific plot…However, I have to admit that it’s a breeze watching such dramas like BBJX and the current similar Kdrama…really doesn’t take up much of my brain cells. On the other hand, I enjoy the drama that talks about the manga and double universe. Wooed over! Haha! Absurd as it may seem, but I think it’s mentally stimulating as I try to figure out the patterns…lol…still remember the absurdity of QIHM…

As of now, current fav is still the drama which I watched last Oct and ended only this Feb. Sure enough, this is by far and large the only Kdrama I love that doesn’t place its focus on romance or science. It deals with politics mainly. Not those gossipy politics which we know in the current world, but the 爱国为国为人民 kind of politics…and because of this drama, I read up furiously on their history…okie, maybe I am kind of obsessed. For I still want to visit Korea again and be back in the palaces again. Haha…I definitely do not belong to this current society.

Maybe after all, this is a fantasy.

How many languages can I absorb???

Too many wants, too little time.

As always. I need to prioritise.

Love for Musical

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It has been some while since I last watched a proper musical. I’ve always loved plays and musicals, having been a lover of classical literature in my younger days. But somehow I evolved over the years, developing taste for philosophical readings and such…to the fact that I prefer non-fiction to fiction. Well, I shall continue to evolve, right? I shan’t and don’t stay constant in time. I have never been a constant, despite my outer portrayal. The only constant is God in my life.

And thus this musical is a great reminder to myself. Of God’s grace and mercy. Of God’s goodness and power. Despite my happy-go-lucky nature, I do have my moments of sadness…not unhappiness…but sadness…or maybe I feel down? I tend to feel down when I am surrounded by negativity. Some may pretend to be positive, but then, their negative selves keep weighing me down. I feel drained. And for that, I want to escape. How do I escape? By leaving.

Leaving things behind. Leaving memories behind. Do I have to go through such moments time and again? Is there a better resolution to face the reality? I don’t like negativity. I really don’t like. For in my life, apart from those years of dark clouds and my mum’s condition, I am mostly surrounded with positivity…thus I feel stifled when I encountered negative energy. I. Simply. Don’t. Like. It.

I know, some may say, grow up please, this world isn’t going to go the way you want, thus stop thinking that this place is heaven. I cringe…why do people have to make this world so ugly???

A friend pointed out a very wise truth. I know I feel sad about the truth. But yet at the same time, I think the truth may only exist in whatever way we want to think and see. If you think I am mad, yes that’s the truth to you, for in your mind and heart, I am mad…so that’s a truth to you and for you.

I know I have stopped explaining myself to most people, as I have known many who just want to think in whichever way they want of the situation. Not many people are keen to see from your point of view. Many just like to insist on their own. And yes, their view is the perfect view. Oh well, being quiet is better. Really better. In this way, let them think whichever way they want, and at the same time, there’s no need for me to waste my energy.

I may have to really consider properly. Where are my thoughts? What do I want? What do I enjoy? What does God want of me?

As of now, I have not received any direction from God. I believe that God does not want me to be distracted. Maybe I am trying to plan too much. Remember I have Plan A, B and C? What do I really want?

It isn’t often that I feel down. Thus, perhaps in a bid to feel more like a human, I need to indulge in such moments. Else, to many others, being happy is indeed something that is mad. So I must feel down to be normal. Is this what I am supposed to feel?

Perhaps I have not been getting plenty of me-time and thus I feel so down and stifled. I really don’t know. I would think it will be tough…to adjust to a different pattern. If I were to share a time and a common space. But…it may not be tough after all, if I am the willing one…

So at the end of the day, the decision lies with me. And perhaps that’s why I feel so drained. I don’t like to make major decision, but this is my life, I have to take ownership for myself. I don’t just go with the flow. Just because everyone is having that, and thus I am and should be having that as well. That’s not me.

I strive to live in the way I want. And thus, I have to take proper time to ascertain…what I really want.

Think properly…Be as true to myself as possible…

Do I want a mundane lifestyle? But well, I can’t take it if it’s too much of an adventure.

…………

Favourite drink!

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Can’t believe it that this drink actually is my favourite, toppling Gingerale and A&W’s Rootbeer! Fell in love 2 years ago with this, and there isn’t any substitute for it. Not even Mitsuya Cider! Considering how much of a Japanese-minded person I am. To me, drinking Chilsung Cider, eating kimchi and seaweed, feasting on BBQ meat…hmm…these are lovely moments! Oops…I am such a glutton. I guess, I really cannot go on any diet. Diet will create depression for myself. I may not be someone who’s picky with food, but I love eating…

Having said that, I still love Japanese cuisine…and I sincerely think that Japanese cuisine fits my physics very well…even the rice…! Been developing allergy towards most rice, except the Japanese rice grain. I think I just have no choice, but to allocate more money in this area. Sooner or later, I will do more revamping to my food purchases. Having more time to prepare my ingredients during the weekends will be something I am looking forward to. Especially to develop my special recipe 😄😄😄😄😄 This excites me a great deal!

I told myself, I must eat the Kobe beef again! And beef with sake/beer goes real well! But of course, I may just end up going into deep sleep 😴😴😴 Thus, unless I am very comfortable with the companions, I don’t drink at all.

And in recent years…I realize that my ancestry has mixed blood…my aunties have either Japanese or Korean looks…no wonder…! Ok, looks like I need to really make a proper decision. Improve my Japanese. Start learning Korean. Ooh…but I am not a Kpop lover…most likely I will feel real odd in the class 😒

Years passed by. Can we stop the time? While hearing nice words, will they last? I want to age elegantly, and with joy to face each day. There were several times when I almost got distracted…and of course, I reminded myself of my priorities. I don’t compromise. And that’s regardless of age. Love doesn’t stop simply because one grows old.

However, I am just so comfortable with my lifestyle that it’s difficult for me to make new adjustment. I just need aplenty of me-time. Me-time. And me-time…😐😨😵😜 Am I being greedy? 😂😂😂

I still think I am more suitable to be a nomad. But of course, in reality, it’s hard to be one. So what can I do? Travel around…there are so many different encounters…it’s uplifting and each time I learn something about myself 😨😶😎

How I wish I own a 町屋! That’s the type of house I thought I lived in when I was very much much younger…🎆🎇🌘❓

Being too kind

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I don’t think I am a kind person. So when I heard that I’m being kind, I would ask myself, is that really me?

Perhaps in most aspects, I come across as one who is very rigid and go by the book. And because of these, I don’t think I am a kind person. I have my own set of expectations and my beliefs in life. Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe my beliefs are too proper…and I am not willing to conform. Because of these, I don’t think I am a kind person. I tend to shut people out when I find them not sharing similar values or unable to match my expectations. I don’t know whether I do this consciously or subconsciously. Or perhaps, in the process of concealing my obvious expressions, I roll my eyes in bewilderment…how could people not give some matters a serious thought? And oh gosh, how many mistakes must they commit in order to get it right???…

So, how kind can I be? I rather think of myself as unkind. The fact that I do roll my eyes…

Some people take your kindness for granted. I am fine if they are my loved ones. Because they are my loved ones, I love them, I don’t expect anything in return. So being kind to them is my way of loving them. However, as what I always know for myself, I do differentiate who I can be kind to. And I am sure that’s pretty obvious, people who aren’t my loved ones will get the other spectrum of kindness, if ever they tread on my toes. So, in the end, I think I need a man-made island. 😄😄😄

When I am happy, people are jealous. They want me to be sad, cry, envy etc…Oh please. I have better things to do and important people to care about. I believe in living my life to the fullest. Do the things I want not because that’s what people expect that of me. But because I sincerely love and want to do those things. I cannot imagine myself being a slave to doing daily things and chores if I don’t enjoy doing them. Thankfully, I have the time to happily do the things I like, and for those things I procrastinate, I settle my heart first before doing them…so that when I handle them, I do them with a happy self.

We are a product of our decisions. And decisions are derived from the choices we surround ourselves with. Most of the time, I make sure that my choices are positive. So that my decisions will be positive too. And with positive decisions, I am pretty sure that my mood is happy too. Of course there are times when it seemed that I can only have negative choices…and yes, those times were very tough for me. So, I usually take a step back, and spend some time to think, rethink, plan, analyse, critic, think, rethink, plan, analyse, critic, think…and it goes on and on, numerous cycles…until I have really thought about the choices and final decision till perhaps….and thousand times??? 😅😅😅 Those moments were frustrating, for I kept flipping forth and back. And I hate myself being such. But I guess, this is indeed the best for myself, for if I don’t go through this process, I can see it very evidently that my decision would be a poor decision based on lousy choices. For that, I rather not make any decision and that itself, is a decision.

It’s important to plan. When you fail to plan, you plan to fail. This is a definite. Forget about those people who encourage you with “Hey why do you need to think so deeply” or “Hey why do you need to plan so much”…if we are handling important things in life, why aren’t we using our brain cells to our fullest??? Come on, how many times in our life do we really need to make very important decisions? I am sure it wouldn’t be 1000 times. Thus there is no harm for us to use our brain cells to the fullest for the numerous major or important decisions.

I don’t know. But perhaps some people just prefer to be sadistic towards themselves. For me, I prefer to be happy…and free! Ok, I recognise that what I preferred are not what the entire world preferred. My sample size is small, and I am the only person being surveyed upon. Only I myself prefer to be happy and free. Everyone else prefer to be unhappy and be restricted in what they get to do…hmm…is that the reality?

Whatever, it’s not my problem. My happiness is just being happy. Ms Ah-Q. Doesn’t matter.

Just ranting

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I really don’t understand how and why people can be so negative. These are the “Complain King/Queen”. If all else are fine, they will pick on something insignificant to say. Say for eg. The placement of the toilet pedestal. Okay, this is just an example. But oh really, must you insist on finding something negative??? I don’t understand such people. Do they feel happier in being able to find a negative thing to say and harp on? *fume* For that, I really have nothing to say to such people. *yawn*

And then, we also have another group of people who belong to “Liar, Liar, pants on fire”. Seriously, what’s wrong with saying the truth? Why should one hide the truth? And for me, if one wants to hide the truth, he/she has to be clever enough to bury the truth…don’t let anyone find out. Else, there is no point in hiding *huff* Admitting that you aren’t perfect isn’t something devastating. Or is that? Maybe I view the world with my own pair of glasses. Thus I don’t understand why people behave in such a way apart from mine. I only know that being truthful, or rather being frank, can allow myself to have a peaceful sleep. Thus I always find it silly when people say that they are afraid of spiritual things and such. Heylo, God is here. And if I am truthful to God, I don’t think I dare to/want to do things that will result in the wrath from God. So since I am truthful, of course I enjoy my sleep.

And last but not least, we have “The grass is always greener on the other side”. How many times have we encountered people who wish they were you??? I don’t understand. I am very happy being myself. And thanks but no thanks, please don’t try to be like me. And please don’t envy me. Why? Because I am not perfect. My life is not perfect. I fall short of the glory of God, and I need Jesus to help me in my life. I face struggles every now and then. But I am strong because of God. So don’t envy me. I can achieve things not by my strength alone. It’s all with the guidance of God. But well, who really understands? People just like to look at the surface, how many times do they really know constantly what’s going on in your life? Okay, my life is not pathetic. I am fine and I am enjoying myself. But that doesn’t mean that you should throw your life away, and envy my position. I am in no way the best position. But neither am I in an utterly lousy situation. I just try my best to live the life I like to have. It’s that 頑張って attitude I have. Not the competitive attitude. I just like to enjoy life, have fun, laugh, enjoy food, learn things. I don’t like to whine, and I don’t like to ask myself, why must the sun rise from the east?…Real silly. I don’t like to 庸人自扰. What’s the point of thinking about redundant things or taking on irrelevant items in life?

Maybe that’s why I think it’s good to climb the mountain and be far far away from all the 庸人. I don’t like to spend time encountering negative people. Some people may think that I have never given others a chance. Really…a chance for what? For people to try to influence me with their negative vibes? I don’t want. I have always liked positivity. Why should I allow negative ones to creep in once again?

Whatever, I just like to be my happy self. It doesn’t matter to me that I am not in the norm. Because I thoroughly enjoy being myself. Why should I conform to this world of negativity?

I still want to 頑張って for people and stuffs I am passionate about!

Enjoy…my A&W treat 🙂

💃💆💁🙆🏂

A drama and a movie: Past and a Present

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I am happy to get the Ost for my favourite Kdrama…the sound track I love…the fantastic cast and acting skills.

Perhaps that was a year ago or more. I tried to watch a movie, about building the house…architecture…and before I got to the part about confessions, I stopped watching it. Somehow, at that point of time, I didn’t fancy this movie. Maybe at that point of time, I only encountered the present and couldn’t relate other moments. It seems that those times were not far from my memory, and with the recent revelation, I try not to make the person feel awkward. For at the back of my mind, it’s good enough for me to know. Apart from this, I am too used to having things as according to my time. I have made it clear enough. Is there any hurry? At least not for me. I have no hurry. I am not in the rush for time.

I crave for just spending my lone time. And perhaps the more I have, the hungrier I am? I have to take heed that this does not become more of a greed. And at the same time, I have to remind myself to be sensitive to a person’s needs and wants. Not everyone is as emotion-less as me…Am I right to say that of myself?

Or perhaps, the step to take is much too big for me to handle? And I chose doing my chores over meeting up…I can only imagine how some would have said I’m being…silly…or anti-social. But well, I really cannot. When I am not prepared at all. How long must I take? Months or years? As I can’t give any promise, I rather I remain where I am.

If we have the same understanding of time, I believe…I am willing.

As always.