Saying Goodbye


I think this should be my favourite hangout…Quiet. Yes, there are people. But not too crowded for my discomfort. I like it when I get to have the chance to be alone, do my lone thinking, be in my own world…I try to socialise. Haha, in fact, I have always tried. The only problem is I enjoy my lone time more than anything else. Oh, I wonder whether there’s anyone who really can understand this part. I just don’t want people to misunderstand. It’s not that I don’t enjoy their company. I do. I really do. For if I don’t, I wouldn’t have even bothered to spend any slightest of time with them at all.

Saying Goodbye is tough. Is it so?…
When I say Goodbye, I just pack and go. It seems that I have no qualms in just getting to what I want…and that’s to leave. To go to where I want to be. Wherever the place is. Whoever I want to be with. I don’t know whether this is scary. To anyone who knows me. Or perhaps those who think they know me may eventually realise they have not known me at all…

Saying Goodbye is tough. When it is forever.

Oh and I am tearing. Comforting someone is just like comforting my future self. I have been through the stages of grieving. But still, the grief I had been through was of another form. Back then, it was more of an emotional form. How do I prepare for a physical form of grief? I don’t think we could ever be prepared.

…To love a person is to be patient..
I have recently realised about this.

As from the Bible:
1 Corinthians 13:4-13 New International Version (NIV)

[4 Love is patient, love is kind….8 Love never fails….13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.]

I realised that we all have different rates of growth. Different environment settings. Different backgrounds. Different circumstances in life. All these affect our rate of growth. I guess at times it’s hard to be patient. Hard to understand. But I will.

While there are many things in life that I am looking so much forward to, I have to remind myself not to be greedy. Not to fall into the temptation of greed. Sometimes we may get carried away, when we recognise that we can get so much more of the things we want…when we keep having the feelings of being shortchanged…when we forget to be thankful…when we aren’t thankful for the blessings we received from God…

I told myself, it’s either now or never ever. Is this a good advice? I am worried that I am just acting based on my impulse. And yet I am worried that I am just procrastinating. How do I strike a balance?

I can get obsessed with music. I can listen to the same song or music over and over again…until I can even play the tune of this piece…Obsession. That’s what I would be, when I really have the passion or the love. And perhaps, this is the greatest fear I have. I am just too extreme. Does this make sense?

We are just pilgrims in this world. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. What have I not been doing?

Mundane chores are just the reality. We couldn’t be walking in the rainbows daily, could we? But rainbow is the covenant that God has made with us. Thus, I should be…walking towards this rainbow…shouldn’t I?

And yes, I have always loved the rainbow 🌈 I still believe that our world is beautiful.

Oh. And all those dramas and movies I have watched. I am not exactly a romanticist…And I don’t really like romance either…But there are some that left a deep impression in my heart. Just like some people…Goblin and The Great Gatsby. To confess, I did fell asleep at some episodes of Goblin, and I did let the episodes run while I was busy with the Internet. Not exactly a fan of Kdrama rom-com or whatever genre that drama was. But Goblin did set me thinking. Just like the appearance of some people here and there… Now and then… I am aware of myself, that my thoughts do not necessarily resulted in me pipping it with actions. I don’t know. I just couldn’t. Or maybe, I just wouldn’t. The Great Gatsby was heart-wrenching at some parts. Or perhaps, it was bizarre 😂😂😂 But I think I love the cinematography of this set. To me, this is artistic.

Tell me, what is love? I have heard differing versions. I have seen differing versions. The most consistent version of love in human form is from a mother to a child (though I do see differing versions of this as well 😨). I have been too busy to notice that the last I really fell much for someone was 5-6 years ago. And despite some distractions in between the years, I didn’t want to pursue anything concrete. Do I really want anything concrete? What’s concrete, when feelings are just easily swayed? Regardless of the number of years you have known a person. Regardless of the tough times you have been through with a person. Regardless of the faith you share with the person. Regardless of the future you have promised to pursue together. Love should be concrete, shouldn’t it? And anything that is concrete can also be demolished, isn’t it so? With human technology. And which in this day and time, social media. But, is social media the only destructive factor? I would still think, it’s the wandering and lingering hearts…

Nope. I think it’s perfectly fine to develop feelings for another person. Be it whether one is single, attached, or married. We aren’t robots, how can we programme ourselves not to have feelings? The only grip comes from how we handle our feelings.

My friend asked me, was it the Japanese guy who made me realise about this…He’s like a poem. Poem in my bookmark. That’s the description I have for him. Some people talk a lot, and there’s no content. Some people hardly talk and so I hardly know them. Some people…are just like the words in the poem. Artistic intellectual.

But then, it’s just that. I rather this remains a beautiful memory, than letting the passion fizzles…

And subsequently, I am just too busy…too busy catching up with my own self, to get my #metime, my sanity. I cherish my freedom a lot. One thing I cannot reconcile, is having to lose my freedom. I can’t, and I have to remind myself about this. Freedom is a precious commodity to me. Just like time.

And yes, I run away when I sense I am losing my freedom…I never know how to put these into words. But that’s me. I am unable to stay within a cage. I need to hop around. I need the freedom to run to the places and people I love. I need my space. I don’t want to end up grousing, and whining about not having enough of what I want. I don’t want to feel obliged to the other person, even if I love this person, I want to be a cheerful giver, I don’t want to be doing things just because I am in that position…

For the one who has tried to touch me with his mindful heart, I am thankful that things have ended. For there’s nothing I can really reciprocate from my part. I have seen it coming, just as what has happened earlier…way before this. I just cannot reciprocate.

Maybe people will say I am just being ungrateful, discontented etc. Whatever. My decision is always clear. I can’t be reciprocating whatever that comes along.

And so. I think, it’s indeed good to have my me-time.

Currently, I’m listening to this song by Lana Del Rey. Not hard to guess which particular song it is. Just that this song reminds me so much of a friend I used to have…who always pursues love. And were those loves after all?…If those were loves, there’s no need to be jealous at all. If those were loves, there’s no need to compete at all. I wish…this friend understood this. And now, oh well, I have to handle yet another one…Just because of some unresolved feelings from the past?…I am the innocent one. As usual. I did nothing. And to me, it’s nonsensical competition. If the person chose me in the past, it wasn’t me who wanted to be chosen from the start. If the person is still nice to me, it isn’t me who wants this person to still be nice to me…I don’t know how to explain.

Hard to say Goodbye?
…when we don’t ever get to see each other in this lifetime…



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