A dress that’s of size L

Is that the size that suits me now? Size L?…i’m used to wearing larger sizes, prefer my clothes to be loose rather than body hugging. I don’t like the feeling of being stifled…with tight-fitting clothes. I like the feeling of freedom……

Am I ready now? I feel that I’m just giving in to my emotional self. I don’t like to react according to how I feel. How can I trust how I feel, when the word ‘feel’ is just another fleetingly fluffy term? I may say I enjoy this today, because I feel like flying kite…and the next day I don’t feel like wanting to fly kite anymore, I want to play mahjong…all these are feelings, fleeting feelings…so how can I really know?

I’m sure that I will be seeing many changes within the next 5 years. The thought of changes scares me. But without changes, wouldn’t our life be stagnant?

I really don’t want to just go with the flow. Just do that because that’s what the norm does. Just behave in this way because that’s how it works in this world. Just pretend because no one cares so much anyway. All of these…I don’t want to just go with the flow.

Yes, I have my fluffy ideas as well. I am not a very well-rooted person. I always don’t think I belong to this realm. Or era. Or place.

I have so much time to think……

My dream: Merging with reality!

Stripes and pleats

Hahaha, I tend to have withdrawal syndrome…so scary…maybe that’s why I hate devoting time to something or someone. Maybe that’s why I decide to cling onto my ME-time.

When I was so much younger, group outings were so common. It was fun having a large group of friends. Of coz, along with large group of people, there came politics…but I was just so simple-minded then, I thought that as long as I didn’t vie with her, she would just leave me alone. I thought that he’s the one who ought to make a decision, his decision, and not mine, not hers. I disliked it when the ball was being thrown back onto my court, and expected me to make the decision. On behalf of who???!!!… I didn’t know things were so complicated back then. I had always wanted…my peace. So I chose to leave. I took a break. A period of hiatus. I told myself, out of sight out of mind. I was referring to myself, that me, by leaving them, I was out of sight…and I could be out of his mind…and perhaps so, she would be happy.

Why did I think so much for her back then? She wasn’t anything to me. She wasn’t even my close or good friend. I just didn’t want her to feel upset and hurt. By giving someone away.

Fast forward years later. I have learnt not to think on behalf of whosoever position in a relationship. I want that ultimately, I make my own decision. I would never give up anyone or anything that I love. For I knew, that when I gave him up, he had known that he wasn’t important in my life. I didn’t realise about this interpretation at that time.

Most people realise this much sooner that I have had. I’m just completely dense.

My dream: Merging with reality!

The prayer to God

Top from HK
Orange pleated skirt from Uniqlo

*************************************

Maybe it’s a good thing I went through this operation. For a few years, I was hesitant in praying specifically because I know very well, that God will answer my prayer. I don’t want to say a prayer to God, only to change my mind or regret about it later. I know that God has an abundance of time, but humans don’t have. And there are many people who have urgent prayer requests as well. I just don’t want to clog the system. Okie, this sounds ridiculous!

I’ve been pondering upon it. And many times, just when I thought that it’s roughly so, I would just put it aside and not say the prayer…because I am afraid. To me, prayer is precious time and request. I want to be sure of what I want to request and pray for.

True, I still have my ‘that’ dream to fulfil. I need good health to see me through. I pray for an abundance of energy.

I will take a few more days to establish what I really want to pray for. Right now, I know what I want. But having known what I want and acting upon it are two different issues to me. Yet, they are consequential.

There were quite a number of things I did when I was younger, and to me, those were fun. Why did I evolve to someone who’s just so consumed with the mundane and systematic formats? I guess, a large part of me is due to … being indifferent. By being that, I can perform my daily routines without disruptions. By being that, I can make prompt and swift decisions without lingering much. By being that, I have missed out on what I want.

And so yes, now is about What I Want.

My dream: Not to be dictated.

Cleansing the wound

It’s disgusting. Totally gross.
I have to endure that daily. I’m pretty amazed that I haven’t fainted so far…But, seriously, I do find my fingers turning feebly…at the sight of it.

During this long period, I can only indulge myself in matters that take me away from the reality. There have been several questions on my mind. Would they ever be solved?… What if these are all far from reality?

It’s hard. In this world, isn’t everyone pursuing perfection? Looks, behaviour, career?… Can everything be so perfect?

Doctors said to keep the wound utterly clean. I understand the importance for them to disinfect…just that I never prepared myself mentally, that it is horribly deep and big! Most likely, I’m still my naive self, everything is simple, just solve it and go. But is that really how things work in life? Solve it physically…and yet the emotional part isn’t prepared for such a sight.

Whatever it is, I have to let God…I can’t handle this anymore……

My dream: Merging with reality!

In Sepia: What about my dreams?

MNG jacket and tee
M&S jeans

What about my dreams?……

Is this an appropriate time for me to ponder upon these?

Like some of my friends, I also want to pursue my dreams. I still have my dreams. All sorts. When we were younger, we had more to dream about. What about now? Does that mean I can’t and shan’t dream???….

If I’m just in a dream, do I really want to wake up?
If this is a dream, what am I doing now?

Time is the main factor. And every time, it’s all about TIME. And I’m looking forward because of time, I’m dreaming because of time, I’m moving towards my dreams because of time, BUT, I’m in a dilemma because of time.

We can’t just have both cakes and eat them all…can we???…

I’m still in the process of knowing myself. Perhaps I’m still evolving. I’m learning. I’ve been so used to being me…that I forgot about what’s me.

Have I always been like this? I feel abit confused at times, because I really wonder, what’s me. Was that me who gave up when I felt pissed? Was that me who threw up when I felt weak? Was that me who drove around when I was perplexed?

I felt stifled because I’m a playful being. I felt restricted because I have my own set of regulations. Why didn’t I think about these?…

At the end of the day, the stars still shine brightly up in the sky… And I love the stars……

My dream: mixed feelings…

In stripes…not a zebra.

This is the smallest skirt I ever have since adulthood. Size: 4. Faint!

From Forever New at sale price.

Well, unfortunately right now, I don’t have the mood to don on nice items. The daily pain I have to face up to. How long is this going to last?! Maybe I’m being impatient. I really thought that my body could handle all…just like that time when I had the fall, only problem here that for this round, it’s much worse…!

It’s just my norm to put on a smiling face. I don’t usually tell people around me my worries and cares in life. Not that I don’t trust them, more of that I don’t want people to worry about me. For the days will still pass, the sun will still shine, the flowers will still bloom…

Try to see it in this way. The hole is akin to 2 bullets lodged in my body…created a big hole and raw skin. That’s the image. Daily cleansing made me produce shrills of pain. Those are excruciating pains…!…I can only pray that as the days go by, my body automatically develops numbness towards the pain…

This week sounds bad…

My dream: On halt for some moments…

Icon of Singapore: Merlion

Merlion remains a fascination for tourists. It’s interesting that the Papa Merlion is being housed at Sentosa, while overlooking Mama Merlion and Baby Merlion at the Merlion Park. Several years ago, Mama Merlion helped to shelter Baby Merlion, took the brunt and was being struck by the lightning.

The extent of love. Unconditional love.
And I don’t mean crazy in love.

The climate is simply not suitable for anything worth growing and not conducive for glow. We have artificial ‘glow-in-the-dark’ items, but do we really have people who grow and glow???

What are the things we pursue in this world? Glamour, fame, recognition? Being attended to, being loved, being well-received?

Most often than not, we are all too blinded with these countless pursuits. Do we really stop and smell the flowers?

While I was being wheeled to the operating theatre, I felt that ultimately, we had to face things alone. Was I being brave in facing all these? I don’t think I am a brave person. I am more of being indifferent… A decade ago, I was being whisked to a similar operating theatre. That episode was much better as I was put to sleep much easier. Perhaps I didn’t have so much worries back then. What sort of worries would I have a decade ago, when I didn’t have to be responsible towards anyone? Yet a decade later, I just couldn’t leave…

My aunt passed away when her three kids were in their teens. The gals were just eleven, while the boy was taking his ‘O’ levels. I remembered she wasn’t able to leave this world without any inch of worries either. She suffered…and tolerated…till the day she had to compromise.

I guess, when you are being given responsibility, you will always try your very best, put in your very best and be the best that you can be. Cultivation of a responsible being is not being done overnight. You can’t expect one who has been given the absolute freedom to behave badly in the past to suddenly become one who is so industrious and responsible. Not that this is beyond imagination, but more so that when such a time comes, it might be too late.

This episode raises more questions in me. My life, my loved ones, my future. I keep telling myself to be appreciative and learn to take things slowly. And yet I keep forgetting that, I always think I’m a superman, a wonder-woman, that I can do plenty of things with plenty of energy and determination. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, I have to be in reality. I bleed and with pain, just like anyone…

I have to rest.
Really REST.

My dream: Merging with reality!

In my blues…in a semi-daze

Terribly tired out.
Overloaded.

I ponder upon this word ‘commitment’ again. I don’t want to be committed to something or someone I don’t believe in. But in this world, it’s kinda hard, isn’t it? Nevertheless, it’s still worth a fight here, rather than not putting up a struggle at all. At least at the end of it, I can still say, I’ve done my best…haven’t I?…

In the course of giving my all, putting my best, placing my commitment, I ignore the fact that, I am still a human after all. I am not a perfect person. I recognise that. What I didn’t recognise was, human needs rest. I ignore that. Looks like, i’m indeed close to being a computer.

Anyway this computer does have its moments of sadness and joys. Just that, these days, I think, I may not be the only robot around……sometimes, things may reach a certain stage where you just find it totally meaningless to put up any fight. Sometimes, to make things easier and life bearable, we just say, let it go and let it be. Sometimes, putting up a struggle only results in exhaustion of energy which can and ought to be used for more important stuffs…what is there eventually?

Have this been tough? At the end of the day, we just want to see the lovely smile.

I am just tired.

I should start my prayers.

……too weak now……

My dream: Merging with reality!